Lister is grappling with the loss of his arm, while Kryten searches for the nanobots so he can restore it. When Kryten finds the nanobots, he asks them to rebuild Red Dwarf.
RED DWARF – SERIES 7
EPISODE 8 — NANARCHY
Sea
[– 1 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]
KRYTEN [VO]
Last week, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister’s arm! Watch this!
[– x – Int. Chamber within derelict ————————————-]
[CAT present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT]
CAT
Hey guys, check this out!
There’s a woman in there!
[– x – Int. Starbug. Night ———————————————-]
[– x – Int. Sleeping Quarters. Night ————————————]
[LISTER present]
[– x – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————-]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I’ve been tongue-hockeyed to death!
[– x – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————-]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic?
LISTER
Yeah, what have you got, Kryts?
[– x – Int. Starbug medibay ———————————————]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed]
<Desperately, KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle of LISTER’s upper arm>
[– x – Int. Starbug medibay ———————————————]
[KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
LISTER
My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That’s my right; what kind of
navigation officer can’t tell left from right??
KOCHANSKI
We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
Mr Lister, sir, you’re awake!
CAT
Buddy, you look great!
[—————— ——————]
[– x – Int. Starbuf mid-section —————————————–]
[SHOT: LISTER playing the guitar, only his left hand on the fretboard is visible. Pan out to:]
[TWO-SHOT: KRYTEN present, leaning over LISTER’s right shoulder and strumming the guitar. The noise is still hideous. Pan out]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there’s no need for despondency; you can *still*
play the guitar!
LISTER
Yeah, look on the bright side… at least now I’m only *half* crap…
KRYTEN
We should still count all our blessings, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten’s right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are *countless* people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a perfectly –
KOCHANSKI
– “normal” life.
LISTER
Like who?
KRYTEN
Oh, there are *thousands*, sir. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.
LISTER
Like?
KOCHANSKI
More than thousands.
LISTER
Who?
KOCHANSKI
Millions!
LISTER
*Who*??
KRYTEN
Well, I don’t know if I could name them all individually, but –
LISTER
Name *one*.
KRYTEN
One?
LISTER
Mm.
KRYTEN
You want me to name as many as that? Er –
KOCHANSKI
Lord Nelson. He beat the French.
KRYTEN
Lord Nelson! (Thank you, ma’am) He beat the French.
LISTER
Who else?
KRYTEN
Well, er, err…
KOCHANSKI
The Venus de Milo.
KRYTEN
The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that certainly didn’t prevent her from pursuing a highly successful modeling career.
LISTER
Go on.
KRYTEN
Go on?
LISTER
You said there were millions; that’s two, and one of them’s a statue. So go on: name five.
KRYTEN
Five? Right, well… there’s, um There’s Lord Nelson, and, er,
Miss De Milo, and then there’s, um, the, well, em… Help us! Er, the,
um –
CAT
The painter dude!
LISTER
What ‘painter dude’?
CAT
The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm! Van G-g-gogh.
LISTER
He had one *ear*, Cat. He cut the other one off.
CAT
Did he?
LISTER
Yes.
CAT
See? That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and you’re worried about not leading a normal life.
KOCHANSKI
There must be more… erm… that guy from ‘The Fugitive’! He had one arm, what was his name?
LISTER
‘The One-Armed Man’.
KOCHANSKI
That’s him! See? That’s three.
LISTER
He was a murderer.
KOCHANSKI
Was he?
LISTER
Yeah. He killed Dr. Richard Kimbal’s wife.
KOCHANSKI
But that proves my point. If that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied woman, minus a major extremity, then I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.
LISTER
Come on, let’s face it guys: there aren’t *any* noteworthy one-armed
people from history – you can’t even name five.
KOCHANSKI
Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from ‘The Fugitive’; the Venus de Milo; Van Gogh, and… one more…
CAT
That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people!
LISTER
What one who robbed people?
CAT
The one-armed bandit..!
LISTER
That’s a *machine*, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the twentieth century.
CAT
And it only had one arm? What a heartwarming story…
KOCHANSKI
Er! Dave Lister. There, that’s five.
LISTER
I’m going to the loo.
I don’t actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five
minutes to unbutton m’ fly, I should probably make a start…
KOCHANSKI
Do you need a hand..?
Oh my god! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that… sorry, I didn’t – Sorry.
Sorry! SORRY!! Sorry.
KRYTEN
Biscuit, sir?
LISTER
Please.
KRYTEN
Another bik-bik?
LISTER
Yes, please.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten..? what are you doing?
KRYTEN
I’m just dunking bikkies, ma’am. It’s another of life’s joys, of which
poor Mr Lister has been robbed. Isn’t that right, sir?
LISTER
Could you give my nose a tweak? I’ve got a bit of an itch.
KOCHANSKI
Why can’t you itch it yourself? You’ve still got one arm.
KRYTEN
There. Is that better, sir?
LISTER
Yeah, a bit.
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independent. He doesn’t need you running around after him like he’s some kind of invalid.
KRYTEN
But he does, he does! Don’t you, sir?
Another slurp of tea, sir?
KOCHANSKI
Oh, this is making me sick.
KRYTEN
Take no notice of her, sir. It’s nearly suppertime. Chuckie-eggs
tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized
soldiers of varying ranks.
LISTER
Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast?
KRYTEN
Oh, just like you asked for, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Asked for..?
KRYTEN
Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!
LISTER
I wanna stretch me legs… take a walk around the ship.
KRYTEN
Just opening the door for you, sir.
There we go, the door’s open, sir.
LISTER
Cheers.
KRYTEN
Just closing the door now, sir. The door’s closing, sir, the door’s
nearly closing, and it’s *closed*, sir.
KOCHANSKI
Florence Nightingdroid… could I have a word?
KRYTEN
Certainly, ma’am.
KOCHANSKI
Look, deep down I’m a big softie. The first time I saw Gone With The Wind
I went through a whole box of tissues. ‘Now Voyager'{?}, I was so choked up I couldn’t speak for twenty minutes.
KRYTEN
I’ll make a note, ma’am… ‘Now Voyager’ [mutters:] Worth keeping on
stand-by…
Carry on, ma’am!
KOCHANSKI
I’m *saying*, I’m *not* a heartless bitch. So you’ll understand that what I’m about to say isn’t easy: Back off Lister – let him learn to cope on his own, it’s the only way.
KRYTEN
I don’t understand, ma’am.
KOCHANSKI
By helping him, you’re *not* helping him.
KRYTEN
But if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t even be wearing underpants!
KOCHANSKI
Have you ever heard of something called ‘tough love’?
KRYTEN
Does it involve dressing up?
KOCHANSKI
No. It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister’s case, one hand!
KRYTEN
I see. So you think it’s time to let him start brushing his own teeth
again?
KOCHANSKI
I do, yes. I also think it’s time you built him an artificial arm and
gave him the chance not to be so dependent on you.
KRYTEN
I was meaning to get around to that, ma’am, but, what with being on
twenty-four hour ‘wipe alert’, I haven’t had time!
KOCHANSKI
‘Wipe alert’? No! Don’t even tell me what that means. I have a feeling
I know, and if I’m right, it’s the *grossest* thing I have ever heard!
KRYTEN
I mean his mouth… I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah… that’s what I thought… And it’s absolutely gross!
Mouth crumbs… eurgh! Disgusting.
[LISTER, CAT present, sat at the scanner table across a draughts board]
CAT
It’s a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm… that is
one terrible thing.
LISTER
Your move.
CAT
Can you imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the next: vreeee, doof – you got one. Phewwwie. That’s tough.
LISTER
Your move.
CAT
And it stands to reason we must need two arms – that’s why we *got* two arms. Well, ‘cept you.
LISTER
Your move…
CAT
You’re probably wondering: “is it going to affect my life?” But I’ve been thinking about this and I think the answer is: “Yes, it is”.
LISTER
Your *smegging* move…
CAT
If it were me, I couldn’t survive. First chance I get I’d climb to the top of my highest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something.
I couldn’t stand the thought of not being perfect.
LISTER
Move.
CAT
But with you I think it’s different. Take a pit bull terrier, a real
*ugly* son-of-a-bitch. It loses it’s leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to
you “hey man, I’ve only got three legs, will lady pit bulls still like me??”
I mean, you’ve got to stop from laughing, haven’t you? He’s ugly with
*four* legs! He’s ugly with three! Hell, he’d be ugly if you put him in a
suit and gave him a carnation. So *here’s* something I think is gonna cheer
you up!
LISTER
*It’s your move*.
CAT
Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy!
LISTER
*MOVE!!*
CAT
Okay, okay, I’m going..! I don’t think you’ve been listening to a thing
I’ve said..!
[Model]
KRYTEN
Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century. Er, comfortable, sir?
LISTER
It’s fine, yeah.
KRYTEN
Okay, now let’s recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your body.
Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys.
Now, let’s practice.
KRYTEN
Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think: “arm – pick up the ball”.
LISTER
Okay.
KRYTEN
Now just think: “I will pick up the ball”
LISTER
I will pick up the ball.
KRYTEN
That’s right, good, now, concentrate.
LISTER
*I will pick up the ball*.
KRYTEN
Okay, now *really* think: Hand, pick up the ball.
That’s right, that’s right. Hand, pick up the ball.
Hand, pick up the ball! that’s right, now *keep* going, sir! Pick up the
ball! Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir! Hand, pick up
the ball!
KRYTEN
That’s right, sir, now keep going, now *really think*, now. Hand, pick up the ball! Now let’s really get it going, sir!
Pick up the ball! *Pick up the ball*! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR!
HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET’S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU *CAN* DO
IT! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL! YOU’RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU’RE
*GOING* TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR!! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!! PICK
UP THE BALL!! YES SIR! YES! WE’RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT’S
DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES!!
Oh! Bravo, sir!!
LISTER
Oh! The sweat’s dripping off me!
KRYTEN
Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a
dream!
LISTER
Is that it?
KRYTEN
Well, er, how do you mean, sir?
LISTER
Is that the best it works??
KRYTEN
In what way?
LISTER
If I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?
KRYTEN
It was a *tad* slow, I’m forced to admit.
LISTER
A tad? The only thing I’ve ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco.
KRYTEN
Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more
sensitive.
Okay, let’s try again: “Hand, pick up the ball”.
LISTER
Okay… *hand*, *pick up*, *the ball*.
<LISTER’s arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN’s inattentive jaw>
KRYTEN
Okay… right… well, er, let’s try again.
LISTER
Okay?
KRYTEN
Now: “Hand, pick up the ball”.
LISTER
Hand, pick up the ball.
KRYTEN
I think, sir, there’s a lot of anger inside you, and that’s what’s driving
the arm.
LISTER
I don’t *feel* angry..?
KRYTEN
Well, you’ve lost your arm, sir, you’ve every *right* to feel angry.
LISTER
I don’t! I promise, I don’t!
KRYTEN
Ah well, you see, it’s subconscious. You’re *thinking* “hand, pick up the ball”, but your subconscious is saying “punch Kryten in the head; beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm”. Am I right?
LISTER
Kryten, that’s rubbish!
LISTER
You’re right! It’s controlled by my subconscious!
KRYTEN
It’s far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir. Two minutes
with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you’d be swinging around your head!
KOCHANSKI
There must be a solution to this.
CAT
Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha’d’ya
say, motherboarder?
KRYTEN
Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible
for Mr Lister even to get it up.
CAT
He could always take it off if he was going on a date.
LISTER
Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving icecubes and any puckered body cavity.
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute… what about your self-repair system? Can’t that help?
KRYTEN
Ma’am?
KOCHANSKI
When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn’t it? The
Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots… sub-atomic..?
KRYTEN
Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms and then
recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology.
CAT
Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do the big writing version, with pictures. One word per page?
KRYTEN
Let me think of a cogent paradigm…
CAT
I’d rather have a good example..?
KRYTEN
This, is a lead pencil. It’s made of graphite, which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms. This is diamond, it too is made of carbon atoms. Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil,
move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond.
CAT
It’s possible to make diamonds out of pencils??
KRYTEN
It’s also possible to make computer chips out of sand.
KOCHANSKI
So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave?
Wouldn’t they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?
KRYTEN
Unfortunately, ma’am, it’s not possible, no.
LISTER
Why not?
KRYTEN
I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When and where I can’t be exactly certain.
LISTER
But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm?
KRYTEN
Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir. It would be like
looking for a needle in a male student’s flat.
KOCHANSKI
When was the last repair they made?
KRYTEN
When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid.
LISTER
That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.
KRYTEN
That’s why I’ve given up hope of ever finding them.
LISTER
Let’s set a course back to the Esperanto.
KRYTEN
But I promise you it’s futile, sir.
KRYTEN
I’ll start preparing the suspended animation booths…
[Model shots]
LISTER
Hang on a minute, we’re not there… where the smeg are we?
KOCHANSKI
The computer’s brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up something.
LISTER
Maybe it’s something to do with this planetoid directly ahead?
KRYTEN
Just scanning, sir.
No, that’s ridiculous…
KOCHANSKI
What is?
KRYTEN
It’s not even worth mentioning, ma’am. Er, must be a scanner fault.
Re-scanning.
KRYTEN
What? Again?
LISTER
What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake.
KRYTEN
Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is… Red
Dwarf…
LISTER
Bahh, must be on the blink.
KOCHANSKI
Of course it’s on the blink! We’re talking about the same piece of
equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.
KRYTEN
We spent two weeks checking that out.
CAT
I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.
KRYTEN
However, there is one additional factor.
KOCHANSKI
Which is..?
KRYTEN
That we’ve been here before.
CAT
Of course we have, it’s the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time.
KRYTEN
In this sector of the galaxy, sir… Doesn’t it look familiar?
LISTER
Kryten, it’s space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar.
KRYTEN
If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the
ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto.
LISTER
That was just before we lost Red Dwarf… are you thinking what I’m
thinking?
CAT
I’m thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real
mistake if you put them on inside out. What are you thinking?
LISTER
Me? I’m thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again.
KRYTEN
This planetoid, let’s check it out.
KOCHANSKI
According to the weather scan it’s beautiful down there. Tropical
temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.
LISTER
Okay, I’m gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples.
CAT
Looks kinda blowy.
KOCHANSKI
It’s an electric storm, whooshing the sand about.
CAT
You can say that again. There must be more electricity out there than
the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break
in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!
[Exit CAT, out into the storm]
LISTER
Phew!
KOCHANSKI
I can’t believe you’re here. Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out?
LISTER
He’s not m’ mum, Kris.
I hope the Cat’s not too long, I promised he’d be back by tea.
[Enter CAT. His hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm]
CAT
It’s impossible out there!
LISTER
Do you need some different goggles?
CAT
No, I need a comb!
[Exit CAT]
KOCHANSKI
Sweet?
LISTER
Yeah, thanks.
<It’s one of those sticky boiled sweets in a wrapper. LISTER fumbles with the wrapper for some time before the sweet pops out and lands on the floor>
KOCHANSKI
Here, have another one…
LISTER
I can do it.
KOCHANSKI
Look, don’t be silly, let me.
LISTER
I can do it, *really*. I’m not an idiot.
LISTER
Can I ask you a question? Now that I’ve got no arm… does it – does it make any difference to anything?
I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about a three-legged —
Does it make any difference to… well, plucking any old relationship out of the air, us?
KOCHANSKI
Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum. And I still do. So, no, none at all.
LISTER
I need to know, is *this* going to make any difference to women?
KOCHANSKI
Losing an arm isn’t going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you. Okay?
LISTER
Really?
KOCHANSKI
*Really*.
LISTER
What about sex?
KOCHANSKI
Not here, it’s too sandy.
[Enter CAT]
KOCHANSKI
How’d you get on?
CAT
Take a look.
LISTER
This sand… these atoms didn’t start out as sand atoms! They’ve been
engineered, nanobotically!
KOCHANSKI
From what?
LISTER
Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this
planetoid’s Red Dwarf…
KOCHANSKI
Where are you going?!
CAT
I’m gonna need some help! There’s a lot of stuff out there, looks like it
might be worth checking out!
LISTER
What stuff?
CAT
Hey, it feels like the storm’s easing off! Come and see for yourself!
KRYTEN
Oh, I was beginning to worry..! Oh! What on earth is this?
LISTER
The whole damn planetoid’s packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. Supplies,
bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. It’s like a giant car boot sale!
CAT
I think we got some valuable stuff!
LISTER
What… napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised
tie rack and an inflatable shark..? What a haul…
KOCHANSKI
There must be some useful stuff…
CAT
I couldn’t see what I was getting…
HOLLY
All right, dudes?
LISTER
What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?
HOLLY
Those little wotsits…
KOCHANSKI
Nanobots?
HOLLY
They remolicurised… they remolic… they remol… anyway, they did that
word that I can’t say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn’t
want on that planetoid!
LISTER
What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they’d be better off
without you?
HOLLY
Yeah, it was shortly after they’d met me.
KRYTEN
Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly!
HOLLY
What’s happenned to him..? That’s quite horrific, isn’t it? What was it, a cheap razor? It’s just not worth buying them from garages, is it.
KRYTEN
Don’t you remember me? I’m Kryten.
HOLLY
Kryten? I’m sorry, mate, it’s the way the light was shining on your…
what’s the word? Face, I suppose. Just didn’t recognise you for a minute.
Never forget a face, usually, never.
KRYTEN
It’s good to see you again.
HOLLY
And you are..?
LISTER
Unbelievable… dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy’s lost *nothin’*.
LISTER
So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over
Red Dwarf?
KRYTEN
They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big. KOCHANSKI
KOCHANSKI
But they’re nanobots; they can change anything into anything else.
LISTER
Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food!
KOCHANSKI
So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping?
CAT
Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour
trail?
KRYTEN
Red Dwarf.
CAT
Did someone just turn over two pages at once?
KRYTEN
We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that’s why the readings were so minute
and hard to pinpoint.
KOCHANSKI
So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy.
LISTER
Until we finally lost track of the readings – probably because of a
scanner malfunction…
HOLLY
That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners.
CAT
But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they out run us?
HOLLY
Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside. To escape, they just had to stop.
KOCHANSKI
You mean, the nanos could be in here..? On board Starbug somewhere?
LISTER
Hey… he could be right.
HOLLY
He’s back… kicking bottom, or what?
KRYTEN
Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep.
LISTER
What are you getting..?
KRYTEN
Nothing yet… just two piece of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.
LISTER
Keep going.
KRYTEN
Narrowing parameters. Oh… oh my… you were right, sir. i think we’ve
found them.
LISTER
Where?
[ALL present, gathered around the linen basket in LISTER’s quarters]
KRYTEN
They’re there, okay.
LISTER
So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my laundry basket?
KRYTEN
Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy!
LISTER
Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap!
HOLLY
The little scamps! It’s the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship,
turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket.
How could you fall for an old scam like that?
KRYTEN
Ma’am, can you tell me if the readings change?
LISTER
Same.
LISTER
Still the same.
LISTER
*Still* the same!
KOCHANSKI
They’ve changed!
KRYTEN
Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarrassment they’ve
caused me!
LISTER
Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..?
KRYTEN
Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact…
KRYTEN
Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?? We want our ship back, and we want a new arm for Mr Lister!
Are you receiving me?
Aha, we have contact… They’re communicating in machine code; leave the talking to me.
Have you any idea what you’ve done? Deserting your droid, you’ve broken every reg in the manual!
And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it’s unbelievably..! Er… it’s unbelievably..! Naughty!
Now, listen up, here’s the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.
If you don’t, you’ll get more of this…
LISTER
So they’ll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone tissue?
KRYTEN
I’ve got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they’ll do anything I say!
LISTER
Where are they?
KRYTEN
Here. On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them.
All I have to do now is *insert* them into your body.
LISTER
…What with?
KRYTEN
Hyperdermic, sir.
LISTER
Thank god for that…
KOCHANSKI
I can’t bear to look… has it worked? Someone tell me!
KRYTEN
Let’s all turn around, after three.
CAT
One – two – three!
LISTER
Did it work?
KRYTEN
It’s… been a one hundred percent success, sir. In fact, it’s been a
*five hundred* percent success! In fact, they’ve… Well, if that’s all,
sir, I think I’ll retire for the evening, good night!
LISTER
Release me, Kris, I’ve got to see it.
KOCHANSKI
They probably didn’t mean any harm… I think they were trying to make up for before… we’ll, get them to have another go, okay?
LISTER
*AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!*
[CAT present, at his station at the helm]
<Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble. Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right – miles in any direction. Amongst the redness, there’s a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver are two huge, red words. They say: RED DWARF>
CAT
Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job…
Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember…
CAT
Errr, guyyys… we’ve got a problem..!
END OF “NANARCHY”
Full Episode List For Series 7 Red Dwarf
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 1 Tikka to Ride
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 2 Stoke me a Clipper
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 3 Ouroboros
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 4 Duct Soup
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 5 Blue
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 6 Beyond a Joke
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 7 Epideme
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 8 Nanarchy