The first series of the science fiction comedy Red Dwarf was first broadcast in 1988. There were 6 episode in Red Dwarf season 1.

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Rimmer loses Lister’s arm and his watch in episode 4 of Red Dwarf Series 3 – Body Swap. Check out the full script here!

RED DWARF Series III Episode 4, “Body Swap”

1 Int. Somewhere in Red Dwarf.

Shot of Scutter with wires in its “mouth” behaving erratically.

2 Int. Lab.

KRYTEN and RIMMER are hunched over a computer terminal displaying a horrendously complex circuit diagram. RIMMER is giving instructions to KRYTEN.

RIMMER: Turn. There’s another. Circuit board epsilon 14598, red
corridor 357.
KRYTEN: Re-routed.
RIMMER: Turn. And another. Circuit board theta 29555, rlue corridor 212.

LISTER enters shuffling a deck of cards.

LISTER: What’s happening guys? It’s half ten. I thought we were playing poker?
RIMMER: Where have you been? Didn’t you get the message?
LISTER: What message?
RIMMER: One of the skutters has gone bananas. He’s completely rewired the maintenance decks back to front and upside down. We’ve got over two thousand wiring faults. Don’t breath. Don’t touch anything.
(Looking at LISTER) The whole ship is a gigantic booby trap.
LISTER: No poker then? (Looks very crestfallen.)

RIMMER looks at LISTER as if to say, “You don’t understand the gravity of this situation.”

RIMMER: We can’t find the auto destruct system. It’s wired up to
something but we don’t know what. Tell the CAT.
LISTER: (Walking away) It’s taken me ages to mark these cards.

3 Int. Corridor.

LISTER is leading CAT along a red-lit corridor.

CAT: So we can’t touch anything?
LISTER: Nothing electrical. Not until we get the all clear.
CAT: How longs that going to take?
LISTER: God knows.

LISTER approaches the vending machine, lowers to so he can depress an order.

LISTER: Milk shake and a crispy bar. (Turning back to CAT) We were just playing poker tonight. That’s gone for a burn.

AUTO DESTRUCT: Auto destruct sequence initiated. Initiated destruction in 15 minutes. 14 minutes, 55 seconds and counting.

CAT and LISTER look at each other stunned as warning noises sound.

CAT: (Keeping his cool) That’s a very dumb thing you just did then.
LISTER: I Know. I wasn’t thinking.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Red Dwarf will self destruct in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.

CAT puts on his scared face and leaves. LISTER turns back to the vending machine.

LISTER: Cancel. Clear.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Abandon ship. You have 13 minutes and 45 seconds to detonation.
LISTER: (Hitting buttons with his fist) Cancel!
AUTO DESTRUCT: You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds to–
LISTER: (Kicking machine) Cancel!
AUTO DESTRUCT: You have 10 minutes and 45 seconds–
LISTER: (Shaking the machine violently) Cancel!
AUTO DESTRUCT: You have 9 minutes and 45 seconds–

4 Int. Control Room.

First a shot of CAT and then RIMMER strides into the shot, looking _very_cross.

RIMMER: I said, “Touch nothing.” Didn’t I say, “Touch nothing?”
LISTER: Look, I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar. (Very pleading
quality here as one would when one has just initiated the end of an
entire space ship.)
CAT: You’re lucky you didn’t order a double cheese burger!
AUTO DESTRUCT: Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
LISTER: How do we switch it off?
HOLLY: The only person who can override the autodestruct is the captain.
RIMMER: Dead.
HOLLY: Or one of the senior officers.
RIMMER: Dead.
HOLLY: In many ways I should have updated the system really.
LISTER: Is there any that we can trick the machine into thinking one of us is the captain?
HOLLY: No. It checks his voice and brain scan against its databanks.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Auto destruct in 8 minutes, 10 seconds and counting.
RIMMER: Think of something please. You are supposed to have an IQ of 6000. Think of something.
HOLLY: I’m thinking.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Self destruct in 8 minutes and counting.
RIMMER: Well??
HOLLY: I bin’ through the whole of my database, collated every single option, and there are three realistic alternatives. One: sit ‘ere and get blown up. Two: Stand ‘ere and get blown up. Three: Jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.
LISTER: There must be something?
KRYTEN: Perhaps we could try a mind swap?

5 Int. Lab.

Shot an arm strapped to a chair, pan out to LISTER tied down to a chair looking anything but happy to be there.

KRYTEN: It’s something we tried once on the Nova 5. It uses exactly the same science as generating a hologram. We wipe all your brain patterns and put them on a storage disk. Then we transfer the captains mind from his hologram personality disk into your empty brain.
LISTER: And you tried this on the Nova 5?
KRYTEN: Oh Yes.
LISTER: Did it work?
KRYTEN: No. But I’m pretty sure I know what went wrong.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 4 minutes to self destruct and counting.
LISTER: So the captain’s mind will be in my body?
KRYTEN: Yes. Then, hopefully, the self destruct will think you’re are
the captain, and you can activate the override.
LISTER: But where will my mind be?
KRYTEN: (Holding up a very small cassette tape) On this.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 3 minutes, 50 seconds and counting.

RIMMER and CAT enter the room.

RIMMER: We couldn’t find the captains disk, but what about Brown? Brown was executive officer.
HOLLY: Yeah. Brown’s got clearance.
LISTER: (upon seeing a large needle that KRYTEN just removed the air from) Kryten, what’s that for?
KRYTEN: It’s a mental emetic.
LISTER: A what?
KRYTEN: A mind enema — so we can flush out your brain.
LISTER: Nobody’s flush’n out my brain.
KRYTEN: We’ll transfer it back afterwards.
LISTER: You are not sticking that think in my head.

The CAT is drinking a cup of coffee in the background.

AUTO DESTRUCT: one minute and 40 seconds and counting.
RIMMER: We’ve got to. It’s our only chance.
LISTER: Smeg Off!
CAT: Look man, I’m not asking you to do this just for me. I’m askin’,
well pleading with you I’m beggin’ ya — do it for the sake of my
suits. Are you just gonna stand by and let my scarlet PVC morning suit with the imitation king penguin fur collars get blown to smithereens.
(LISTER nods.) Could you live with yourself? (LISTER nods again.)
AUTO DESTRUCT: I minute, 30 seconds and counting.
RIMMER: Look, Lister. I agree, it’s a stupid idea. It almost certainly
wont work. But the very worst that can happen — the absolute bottom line — is that you’ll have to spend the rest of your life as a
mindless gibbering vegetable. But if the rest of your life is going to
be thirty seconds, what the hell!
LISTER: Do it.

KRYTEN swaps his right temple with a cotton ball and then inserts the needle. As it sucks out LISTER’s mind his face takes on a more vacant expression until he is completely cross eyed and his tongue sits rather stupidly almost out of his mouth. KRYTEN presses some keys on a keyboard, storing LISTER’s mind onto a storage medium.

KRYTEN: Keep that safe — it’s Lister’s mind.

He hands the small cassette to CAT. As they are all looking at it CAT
drops it into a mug of coffee. RIMMER recoils very quickly. CAT,
looking most apologetic, but not quite managing to hide an evil smirk, removes the cassette from his coffee and slinks off. KRYTEN begins to place BROWN’s mind into LISTER. Once complete “LISTER” looks very surprised.

AUTO DESTRUCT: 55 seconds to detonation
BROWN: What’s happening? What the hell is going on?
RIMMER: (standing to attention) Ah, sir. There is no time to explain,
but, by a bizarre series of accidents the ship auto destruct system has got switched on and we need you to deactivate it.
BROWN: Something’s wrong. Something feels different. Wait a minute, I never use to be a man!
RIMMER: Look, you stupid women, we’ll explain later.
BROWN: Why have I got male sexual organs!
RIMMER: If we don’t override the autodestruct system within the next 20 seconds those male sexual organs will be in orbit around the nearest planet. Along with every one else’s organs sexual or otherwise.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 15 seconds to detonation.
BROWN: Abort sequence X1X.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Identify.
BROWN: Carol Brown, executive officer, security clearance 010101.
AUTO DESTRUCT: Pause for verification. (Pause) Verification rejected.
Abort denied. Auto destruct sequence continued. Detonation in 5
seconds.

Shot of KRYTEN looking pretty upset. RIMMER and CAT are speaking to KRYTEN.

RIMMER: Sen-smegging-sational
AUTO DESTRUCT: 4.
CAT: Well done, sphinx face.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 3.
RIMMER: What a brilliant, brilliant plan.
AUTO DESTRUCT: 2.
CAT: Just great.

BROWN is struggling in the seat.

AUTO DESTRUCT: 1. Initiate self destruct.

A dramatic pause as they brace for death.

Shot of dispensing machine as it shoots out a milk shake and a crispy
bar.

AUTO DESTRUCT: Thank you for using the auto serve dispensing machines.
Number one in quality. Number one in taste.
CAT: What happened?
KRYTEN: It must have been wired up to the warning system but not the bomb.
RIMMER: So where’s the bomb?
HOLLY: We haven’t got a bomb.
RIMMER: What!
HOLLY: I got rid of it ages ago.
CAT: Why didn’t you say?
HOLLY: You never asked.
CAT: Fine, terrific. (To KRYTEN) But remember this: you’re getting my underwear bill, buddy.

6 Ext. Red Dwarf. Establishing.

7 Int. Sleeping quarters.

RIMMER and LISTER are lying on their beds.

RIMMER: You awake?
LISTER: Yeah — can’t sleep.
RIMMER: Probably those kippers you had for supper.

LISTER: Nothin’ wrong with kippers for supper.
RIMMER: But kippers vindaloo? Can’t be good for you. I mean, a curry every night? That cannot be good for you. Certainly no good for me.
I’m thinking of getting a canary in a cage.
LISTER: Why?
RIMMER: To check out the room, see if it is safe to use.
LISTER: C’mon, it’s not that bad!
RIMMER: Not that bad? You don’t sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
LISTER: Why all the sudden interest in my diet?
RIMMER: It’s not just your diet, Lister. It’s your health in general.
Face facts: you eat crap, you don’t exercise, you smoke, you drink,
and frankly, it’s beginning to show.
LISTER: I’m OK.
RIMMER: You’re getting porky.
LISTER: Porky!
RIMMER: Last week when there was that lights failure in the engine room, your silhouette was caste onto the wall. I got the fright of my life.
I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
LISTER: Are you sayin’ I’ve got a gut?
RIMMER: You have got more gut that a Turkish butchers shop window.
LISTER: (sounding worried) Hang on, no really. Do you think I’ve put on weight?
RIMMER: You’ve reached that age, Listy. When you’re younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like and still climb into your 26 inch waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age — 24, 25 — your muscles give up they wave a little white flag and then without any warning at all, you’re suddenly a fat bastard.
LISTER: I’m not fat — I’m porky!
RIMMER: Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head?
(Demonstrating to Lister with hand movements.) You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that’s
the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
(Lies back down.)
LISTER: Yeah, maybe you’re right. (Examining his belly from his reclined position) Yeah, I’m gonna start working out in the gym.

Thinking the conversation is over, he returns to his comic.

RIMMER: Of course, you could always … no you’d never a agree to it.
LISTER: (Leaning down to RIMMER’s bunk) What?
RIMMER: We could do a swap: my mind in your body, yours in mine.
(LISTER lies back down shaking his head and smiling thinking what a
ludicrous idea this is.) You saw how easy it was with Brown. Lend me
your body for a few weeks and I’ll get it fit for you. Plenty of
exercise, sensible diet, no more booze, no more ciggies. It’ll be like
a 12 thousand mile service for your body.
LISTER: What, and in the meantime I’m a hologram?
RIMMER: It won’t be too bad if it’s only for a couple of weeks.
LISTER: You’re talking as if it were a pare of hedge trimmers or a lawn mower or somethin’.
RIMMER: I’d give it you back, I’d return it intact. More than intact,
it’d be fitter.
LISTER: Look, Rimmer, you are not having possession of _my_ body.
RIMMER: What are you worried about? How can a treat it any worse than you do? You admit you don’t look after it, don’t exercise it, don’t feed it properly. I would. What do you say?

8 Ext. Red Dwarf.

We hear sounds of mind-swapping type activity.

9 Int. Lab corridor.

LISTER and RIMMER emerging from the Lab.

LISTER: (Lister’s voice, but sounding very odd as it emerges from
RIMMER’s larynx) No welchin’.
RIMMER: Of course not.
LISTER: A fortnight.
RIMMER: 14 days.
LISTER: (Holding up two of RIMMER’s fingers) Two weeks.
RIMMER: Absolutely doodley. (He opens LISTER’s jacket and indicates with hand gestures that it doesn’t smell very nice.)

10 Int. Shower room.

RIMMER, in LISTER’s body, is standing at what turns out to be a urinal, and is putting some very thick red plastic gloves on, he removes the hat with distain, and dons a pare of eye covers. He is humming The Grand Old Duke of York to himself. Removing a pare of tongs from his back pocket he then unzips his fly and using the tongs proceeds in alleviating himself. Suddenly he stops, removes his eye covers and looks down. He looks up with a face that looks very shocked at what it has just seen.

11 Int. Corridor.

LISTER in RIMMER’s body passes a mirror and catches a glimse of himself.

LISTER: This hat is smeggin’ stupid. I look like Captain Emerald.
Holly, do somethin’ about it, mate.
HOLLY: OK, Dave.

Now RIMMER’s body is decked in the black leather gear we normally associate with LISTER.

LISTER: Brutal!

12 Int. Shower room.

Cut back to a silhouette of RIMMER showering LISTER’s body.

RIMMER: What’s this under his nails? Oh my god!

He places a bottle of AJAX scouring detergent on a recess in the wall and grabs a bottle of what appears to be Domestos.

RIMMER: I’m going to have this dirt carbon-dated.

13 Int. Sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN is pouring some red wine into a glass that is sitting in what
appears to be a very large and sumptuous feast. Dressed in a bath robe,
RIMMER enters the room “hmmmming” to himself.

KRYTEN: Luncheon, sir.

Grabbing LISTER’s locks RIMMER removes most of them with an electric
carving knife.

RIMMER: Ahhh! Food. Real food. To eat, perchance to taste.
KRYTEN: It’s exactly as you ordered, sir: the lightly poached mimmion bladder fish, the 4 dozen oysters, the ducks feet in abalone sauce…
RIMMER: I can touch; I can taste; I can smell! (Getting very excited and grabbing some food.)
KRYTEN: Roast suckling pig stuffed with chestnuts and truffles.
RIMMER: mmmmmmm.
KRYTEN: (Placing a _very_ large silver platter of mashed potato in front of RIMMER) Mashed potato.
RIMMER: With cream and butter?
KRYTEN: A pint of cream and a full pound of butter, sir.
RIMMER: Let the orgy commence.

He starts stuffing food and drink into ha mouth and then slumps his head forward into the potato. He then pours gravy over his head. LISTER enters and looks stunned with this turn of events.

LISTER: Hows the diet goin’?

RIMMER does a thumbs up sign with his head still buried in the potato.

14 Int. Sleeping quarters. Night.

RIMMER is still in a bath robe and is smoking a cigar.

RIMMER: Do you know something I think I went temporarily insane. It was
just too much. I haven’t tasted food in 3 million and 2 years. All
that food. I was like an animal.
LISTER: I want my body back. Now!

LISTER is lying in his right side supporting his head with his bent arm
and in contrast to RIMMER, does not look relaxed.

RIMMER: Oh Look it won’t happen again. It was just something I had to get out of my system.
LISTER: _My_ system. Why ya smokin’?
RIMMER: One cigar!
LISTER: You are supposed to be getting me fit.
RIMMER: I’ll start tomorrow.
LISTER: You better bleedin’ had do.

15 Int. Corridor. Day.

We see LISTER dressed in RIMMER’s green suit and hat carrying a brief
case. CAT walks past him and then does a double take.

CAT: Hey! what are you doin’ dressed like that? Why do you want to look like Goalpost Head? Have you flipped? You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large that they can pick up satellite TV? Why do you want to look like the smeg-head Rimmer for?!
RIMMER: Because… (poking CAT in the eye) …I am that smeg head Rimmer.

With a smug look on his face RIMMER departs.

16 Int. Large spa bath.

RIMMER sits reading a MUSCLE magazine.

RIMMER: Please. These are meant to be women? (Turning over magazine and
we get to see the picture that has just engrossed RIMMER) Ahhh. This is what I call training.

17 Int. Sleeping quarters.

CAT has his back to us and his hair is untied. They are playing
scrabble.

LISTER: (Pointing to letters in his rack) That letter, that letter, and
that letter. (Pointing to the middle of the board) There.

We see that he is having the first go and we see his rack which has the letters D-A-T-E left on it.

CAT: Hey! I’ve got you now! (Holding out his letters up for LISTER to
see.) Jozxyqk.
LISTER: That’s not a word.
CAT: It’s a cat word.

LISTER attempts to pronounces the cat “word.”

CAT: That’s not how you pronounce it!
LISTER: What’s it mean?
CAT: It’s the sound you get when you get your sexual organs trapped in something

CAT demonstrates with his hands a book shutting and pronounces the word again.

LISTER: Is it in the dictionary?
CAT: Well, it could be. If you were reading in the nude and you closed
the book too quickly.

CAT mines this action and says the word again.

RIMMER: (Striding into the room looking like he has been working out and
feels great) Ahhhh! What a session! What a work out! No pain, no
gain, Listy.
LISTER: (Jumping up) On the scales! I want to weigh you.
RIMMER: There’s no need. Look at that stomach. (Rubbing LISTER’s
stomach.) Flat as a pancake. Hasn’t been like that in years!
LISTER: Scales, please.
RIMMER: There’s really no need.
LISTER: (Firmly) On the scales.

RIMMER steps on the scales

LISTER: You’ve put on two stone!
RIMMER: Of course I’ve put on two stone. I’ve been taking yeast extract, building up your body.
LISTER: Take the robe off.
RIMMER: What for?
LISTER: Take it off.
RIMMER: I don’t want you looking at my naked body.
LISTER: It’s not _your_ naked body, it’s mine!
CAT: What’s he hidin’?
LISTER: Off with the robe.
RIMMER: Let me just say this–
LISTER: Off!
RIMMER: (Removes the bathrobe to reveal a pretty pink girdle) Ohhhh this.
This is a hernia prevention belt. I must have forgotten to take it
off.
LISTER: It’s a girdle.
RIMMER: Course it isn’t.
LISTER: Then why has it got little dangly things for holding up
stockings?
RIMMER: There for attaching extra weights to you so you can get fit just
as you walk around. (He fumbles, demonstrating the attachment of
weights and walking with them attached.) Oh! Errrr ow!
LISTER: I want me body back now.
RIMMER: Look, OK. I went a bit bananas the first few days, but I promise you that’s all over now. Don’t you see? It’s in my interest to get you into shape. This could become a regular thing: fourteen days a year I could have your body. In fact next year, if it’s convenient, I
would like to book the last two weeks of July.
LISTER: I want it back.
RIMMER: One last chance?
LISTER: No more troffin’.
RIMMER: I promise.
LISTER: And take that girdle off. It doesn’t suit me. (He saunters off
happily.)

18 Int. Sleeping quarters. Night.

We hear pigging-out noises.

LISTER: Holly, lights.

LISTER jumps off bed and finds RIMMER sitting up in bed with a blanket over his head.

LISTER: Right, that’s it! I’m completely sick of it.
RIMMER: MM-mph? Mph mmph mph?
LISTER: That is it!
RIMMER: (Removing the blanket and wiping his hands) What is it? (He has food all over his chin and mouth.)
LISTER: You’ve been porkin’ again, haven’t ya?
RIMMER: I have not!
LISTER: I want my body back, now.
RIMMER: But I’ve only had it a week!
LISTER: This was not the deal. You’ve welched on it. (He walks away and glances into the rubbish bin.) And what’s this in the bin? Me locks!
My locks are in the bin. I thought you said you pinned ’em up?
RIMMER: I did but they … fell off.
LISTER: Fell off? Science lab, now!
RIMMER: But it’s the middle of the night. Kryten is on down time.
LISTER: Now!

19 Int. Sleeping Quarters. Later.

The guys enter their room as themselves again.

LISTER: (Rubbing his chest) How many cigars did you get through, Rimmer?
Me lungs feel as if they have been through a cheese grater.
RIMMER: You’ve got your body back. Leave me alone.
LISTER: (Coughing) I only have a couple of rolly’s a day. It feels as if
you’ve smoked an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
RIMMER: I had the odd one.
LISTER: You’ve no respect, that’s what. You’ve shown my body no respect whatsoever. You’ve treated it like smeg. Look you’ve given me breasts. There’s a distinct cleavage there. I give you my body and
you’ve given me a bosom.

LISTER he walks over to the scales and RIMMER looks to be the unhappy one now.

LISTER: These scales are wrong. These scales have to be wrong.
RIMMER: It’s average for your height.
LISTER: Rimmer, it would be average for my height if I happened to be a
pregnant hippo.
RIMMER: Well you weren’t exactly Charles Atlas to start with, were you?
LISTER: And you haven’t been treating my athletes foot, have you?
RIMMER: Well, quite frankly I was afraid of touching it.
LISTER: I told you, you have to wash and powder my feet three times a day. Plus a good buffing with a pumice stone.
RIMMER: I wasn’t prepared to touch those _things_ three time a day. To tell you the truth I was only brave enough to take your socks off once.
LISTER: Look at my stomach. Look at it! Pink gudgeon’ stripes down me sides and you could float me over the super bowl.
RIMMER: Look I refuse to take the rap for that body. All right I added a few pounds to its already ample frame but it was, lets face it, a wreck before I got any where near it.
LISTER: A wreck?
RIMMER: If it was a car you would be an insurance write off. Nothing
works. Your taste buds are totally clapped out you’ve killed them
stone dead with 25 years of non stop curries. and what about all the
aches and pains you never mention twinges in your back crimps in your  neck mention? Oh, and I’ll give you a little tip: urine should only
be green if you’re mister spock.
LISTER: That’s the last time you borrow it that’s for goddam sure.
(Getting up and leaving the table.)
RIMMER: What about next year? We had and agreement — the last two weeks in July and the weekend before Christmas.
LISTER: What for, Rimmer? It’s a wreck.
RIMMER: Unfortunately it’s the best that’s available. You can’t get two weeks in the carribean then grimsby is better than nothing. You can’t back out now, you said I could have it.
LISTER: I only said that to get it back. Do you think I am raving mad?
You are never, ever, _ever_ borrowing my body again. Never.
RIMMER: Get some sleep. You’ll feel different in the morning.

20 Int. Corridor.

KRYTEN is pushing a trolley with an unconsious LISTER on it.

KRYTEN: I am really not sure about this.
RIMMER: Look, you’re programmed to obey — get on with it.
KRYTEN: But surely we should ask him first?
RIMMER: I told you, he’s agreed. He’s perfectly happy about the
situation.
KRYTEN: Well then, why did you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?
RIMMER: Look, I’m in charge Kryten. I’ll take full responsibility.
KRYTEN: Oh! But sir–
RIMMER: Science lab, pronto!
KRYTEN: Oh!
RIMMER: If he comes around give him another whack.

21 Int. Sleeping quarters. Morning.

It looks like RIMMER is waking up in bed, but we soon see that he is
again dressed in LISTER’s clothes.

LISTER: Are you awake man? Rimmer? (Jumps off bed and notices his arms.) No please. No! (Noticing the message that has been left) Play message.

It is RIMMER, dressed in LISTER’s body once again.

RIMMER: Hi! It’s me. I told you you’d feel different in the morning.
Thing is, this week has been absolute heaven for me and I couldn’t just stand by and let you take your body back. That’s why I’ve taken
Starbug and done a runner. Don’t worry, in a month or so I’ll come
back and return it. Just a month, maybe six weeks but don’t try and
follow me, otherwise… (Placing a gun against his right temple) the
body gets it.
LISTER: Cat. Cat! (He runs out of the room.)

22 Int. Some other part of the ship.

CAT: You want my _what_?
LISTER: It’ll only take a couple of hours.
CAT: You want to take _my_ body?
LISTER: I need your body to get _my_ body back.
CAT: You’ve already lost one body. Come on, in all seriousness, you
really expect me to lend you mine?
LISTER: I’m a hologram. How else am I suppose to chase him? I need your body.
CAT: Let me ask you one question. Would you let a garbage truck driver use your Rolls Royce?
LISTER: How else can I pilot White Midget?
CAT: I’ll do it!

23 Ext. Model Shot.

We see White Midget leave Red dwarf.

24 Ext. Model Shot.

Cut to Starbug as it “wheels” through space to the sound of the ???
symphony.

25 Int. Starbug cockpit.

RIMMER is trumpeting along with hand movements, the gun is in the right hand. He opens a trunk load filled donuts. As the music ends he places one in his mouth. LISTER appears on the monitor behind him.

LISTER: Rimmer. Rimmer! It’s no use runnin’, man, we’ve got you in
visual range. Turn around and head back to the ship.
RIMMER: I told you not to follow me. (Pointing the gun at LISTER’s
image. He goes over to his console and allows them to see him.) Leave me alone or you-know-what happens. (Placing gun at his right temple again.)
CAT: He’s bluffin’.
RIMMER: I’m not bluffing.
LISTER: I think he means it man. He’s flipped — it must be cream cake
poisonin’.
CAT: He’s bluffin. I’m goin’ in after him.
KRYTEN: He must be bluffing.
LISTER: Say he isn’t, man?
CAT: It’s gastronomic terrorism! We can’t stand by and let it happen.
RIMMER: Go ahead punks. Make my day.
LISTER: You’re right. He’s bluffin’.
RIMMER: Smeg!
CAT: Lets get him. (Puts his feet to the floor and the ship really start
to move.)

RIMMER goes back to the controls. He drives badly and hits some rocks.

LISTER: This is getting stupid. Back off — let him go.
CAT: We’re almost on him.
LISTER: It’s too dangerous. Let him go.

The white midget backs off and RIMMER turns around to gloat, oblivious to the nasty-looking outcrop of rocks looming up ahead.

RIMMER: Ha! Ha! Ha! Chickens. Ha … (He turns back to look where he is going.)

26 Ext. Model shot.

We see Starbug hit the rocky outcrop and the slam into the ground on the other side. We return to White Midget and view LISTER’s totally shocked face.

LISTER: Oh smeg! What the smeggin’ smeg’s he smeggin’ done? He’s
smeggin’ killed me!

27 Int. Starbug rear section.

Hanging live wires are everywhere in the crashed interior. LISTER, CAT
and KRYTEN enter. The sliding door between the cockpit and galley area opens.

RIMMER: (Peering around the corner) Whoops!
LISTER: Are you all right?
RIMMER: You’re going to go spare.
LISTER: What? What is it?
RIMMER: You’re going to go absolutely spare.

RIMMER’s steps out into the doorway his top is torn bellow the shoulder.

LISTER: You’ve lost me arm.
RIMMER: I’ve lost your watch too.
LISTER: You Bastard!
RIMMER: No, you’re right. It’s my fault. My hands are up … well, my
hand is up. (He starts to laugh.)
LISTER: You think this is funny? (Looking as upset as any body who has just lost an arm would.)
RIMMER: No. But _this_ is.

RIMMER brings the missing arm from behind his back and sticking two fingers up on both hands, makes gestures to LISTER. He starts laughing and slips over. As LISTER looks down at him CAT and KRYTEN look at each other and start laughing.

28 Int. White Midget.

Brief view of the return flight.

29 Int. Sleeping quarters.

LISTER is sitting on his bunk with a white blood splattered bandage
around his head. He has just attached his locks to some elastic and he places these around his head over the bandage.

LISTER: Oh, Hello. It’s captain chloroform.
KRYTEN: Oh please, mister David sir. My guilt chips is already in
overdrive. I, I feel terrible! (He paws at Lister’s leg.)
LISTER: _You_ feel terrible? How about my smeggin’ head?
KRYTEN: I _had_ to obey him. It’s in my programming to obey all humans.
No matter how insane.

He removes the white cover from trolley he was pushing to show a small portion of food on a plate.

KRYTEN: Dinner is served, sir.
LISTER: Lettuce and a grated carrot. I’m on this for six months.

RIMMER’s body enters the room looking very stiff.

LISTER: What’s wrong with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
CAT: I was asleep, OK? Next thing I know plastic Percy here puts a
sponge on my face and out go the lights.

CAT/RIMMER moves stiffly to the table and sits down rather grumpily.

KRYTEN: It was an order.

RIMMER/CAT enters the room carrying a plate of what appears to be mashed potatoes with other food stuffs stuck in it and sits at the table.

RIMMER: Just one night, I promise. I’ll give it back first thing
tomorrow. Maybe Thursday.

He slumps his head forward into the potato and starts to thrash it about like a pig again.

The End

 

RED DWARF Series III Episode 3, “Polymorph”. This is the full script for Red Dwarf Polymorph.

Red Dwarf Polymorph

This week’s “Red Dwarf” contains scenes which are unsuitable for younger viewers and people of a nervous disposition.

You have been warned.

2 Opening titles.

3 Ext. Space.

A pod is floating through space. Signs on the side read “GENETIC WASTE”
and “DO NOT OPEN.” It broadcasts a message.

VOICE: Danger. Do not attempt to open this pod.

As the pod rotates, it is seen that a hole has been eaten out of the
side.

VOICE: The creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled.

The camera view goes inside the hole into the blackness of the pod.

4 Ext. Red Dwarf.

A closeup of the hull reveals that a hole has been chewed into it. A
monster’s growl is heard.

5 Int. Red Dwarf. Cargo hold.

We see a view from inside the mouth of the creature, looking out as it slinks along the cluttered floor of one of the decks aboard the Red
Dwarf. The creature makes some weak “Nyum nyum” noises. Obviously, it’s very small. It slinks up to a broken mirror and looks at itself, then mutters in disgust and covers its eyes. Suddenly, it turns into …

A teddy bear; a bucket and spade, a pot of red flowers (a bowl of
petunias, perhaps?), a Tonka dump truck, a doll wearing a long hoop
dress, a white rotary-dial telephone, a toy elephant, a two-tone hat
(help me identify the type of hat, please), a baseball mitt with ball, a
toy boxer, a toy drum, a yellow lamp (what kind is it? shape of glass
looks like the lamp on the TARDIS), a red toy Volkswagen beetle, a
rollerskate, a traffic cone, a lampshade, a toy penguin with a sign on
its belly (but it’s lying on its back, so the sign can’t be read), a
piggy bank, a Ken doll with something stuck to its chest (help?), a blue potty, an alarm clock, a tennis ball, a tennis shoe, a large pot, a
yellow Koosh Ball, a floor-scrub brush, a bucket on its side, a tiny blue toy whale, a statue of Indian origin (help?), an incandescent lightbulb, a red old-style horn, bell end down, a yellow ball (if this is a tennis ball, what was the slightly larger yellow-and-orange ball earlier? squash?), a red sock, and a fluffy white rabbit.

Satisfied, the polymorph hops away from the mirror, and comes to rest down the corridor, where it changes its mind and turns into a red-white- and-blue basketball (coloured like the defunct American Basketball Association’s balls), and bounces away.

6 Int. Sleeping Quarters.

In the officers’ quarters, where LISTER and RIMMER now live, LISTER is preparing a meal. He is scooping out of a tin labelled “Red Dwarf; Chilli Powder; Ship’s Issue.” He is wearing a black robe with green edges.

LISTER: Not too little, and not too much — that’s important.

He taps the spoon on the edge of the can to get just the right amount, then dumps the can’s contents into a bowl, and puts the spoon’s contents back in the can. He picks up a fork and begins to stir the ingredients.

LISTER: Here we go!

KRYTEN enters, carrying a vacuum-cleaner tube.

KRYTEN: I just thought I’d give your quarters a quick tickle around, sir. I won’t take a jiff.
LISTER: Not now, Kryten — I’m cooking.

KRYTEN attaches the tube to his groin and begins vacuuming.

LISTER: I didn’t know you could do that!

KRYTEN: (Stopping the vacuum) Oh yes, I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal socket, allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable.
LISTER: Like what?
KRYTEN: Oh, you name it: buzz saw, power drill, hedge trimmer … even an egg whisk.
LISTER: (Taking the end of the tube, which still is attached to KRYTEN)
What, so you just, like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can, like, whip up a Spanish omelette?
KRYTEN: I certainly can, sir, but it’s amazing how few people are
prepared to eat them.

 

LISTER gives the tube back to KRYTEN, who begins to vacuum again, but quickly begins to spasm. Eventually he shuts the vacuum down.

KRYTEN: Goodness me, I must have sucked up a penny. (He spits out the coin.) I better change the old bag there. Yes, I’ll just go and get a
fresh one.

KRYTEN leaves as CAT enters. They each raise their left hand, and high- five in passing. CAT is wearing a leopard-skin jacket.

CAT: Mmm!!! Something smells good! What is it? (Sniffs.) It’s me! I
love this aftershave! (Spins round, palms outturned, then goes to the
table.)
LISTER: You are five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life, man, so set your tastebuds on Defcom 3!

CAT now stands behind the table, which has candles on it, as well as
various medical supplies.

CAT: Hey, you’ve really made an effort here! Where’d you get all this
stuff?
LISTER: I just got sick and tired of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear.
CAT: (Picking a scalpel off the table, disgustedly) This is a scalpel!
I’m supposed to cut _my_ food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside someone’s guts?
LISTER: It’s all been cleaned; it’s all been washed; it’s clean.
CAT: (As he approaches LISTER) …something that, long ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? _I’m_ supposed to eat with _this_?
LISTER: (Taps CAT’s cheek with the back of his hand with each beat.) Get the onion salads out of the fridge!
CAT: (Stops as he sees the sign on the refrigerator.) “Embryo
Refrigeration Unit?!”
LISTER: How many times…? It’s clean! It’s been cleaned!

CAT opens the refrigerator door, muttering “onion salad” as he scans the
contents of the refrigerator.

LISTER: They’re in the kidney bowls, next to the {cholostomy} bag with the chilli sauce in it.

CAT removes the two kidney bowls, rather disgustedly. LISTER has
finished his mixing.

LISTER: Here we go, here we go!

LISTER opens a microwave oven, then uses his hands to throw the contents of his bowl into it. He then tosses in a roll, and squirts a tube of catsup-like substance (can anyone read the label, or otherwise have an idea what this stuff could be?). He closes the microwave oven door, and, after a buzz, opens it, removing two plates with the properly prepared
meals on them. He goes to the table.

LISTER: Yahoo! Come on, man, come on! It’s ready! Sit down, sit down!
(Putting a plate down at his seat) One kebab for you … (putting the
other plate at CAT’s seat) … and one kebab for me.

They sit down. CAT folds a serviette into his collar. LISTER holds up
an enormous metal cylindrical object.

LISTER: (Offering) Lemon juice?
CAT: (Pointing at the object) What the hell is that?
LISTER: It’s a syringe.
CAT: What kind of syringe?
LISTER: It’s for cows — artificial insemination. It’s been washed; it’s
clean; it’s all been sterilised. Do you want lemon juice or what?
CAT: (Removes the serviette.) Ahem. Excuse me. (Stands.)
LISTER: (Baffled) What? What about the meal?
CAT: This isn’t a meal — this is an autopsy!
LISTER: It’s only the starter, man! What about the main course?
CAT: Hey, you think I got nothing better to do than hang around watching
you serve chicken {chaucer} in a stool bucket? (Leaves.)
LISTER: Oh, charming. (Picks up a urine-sample bottle of wine and begins to pour it into a beaker.) I dunno. You pull out all the stops … you make an effort … try and do something with a little bit of _extra_
class, and where does it get you? (Drinks the wine.) Mmm, very cheeky!

7 Int. Corridor.

Outside, in the corridor, the polymorph, still as the basketball, bounces
along, and then into the room. LISTER, confused, picks it up and rests it on the table. While he goes to the door to look into the corridor, the polymorph rolls onto his plate and turns into a second kebab.

8 Int. Video room.

In another area of the ship, RIMMER is watching a video, smiling. The video image is unstable, clearly a home video, of a family having a picnic.

KRYTEN: (bumping into something on a countertop) Oh, I’m sorry to
interrupt, sir. (holds up a new vacuum bag) I just need to get a, heh
heh… er, sorry.
RIMMER: Oh, no, Kryten, it’s all right. Just running a few of the old
home movies.

KRYTEN moves to see.

RIMMER: (Pointing at the screen) That’s me, there. Those are my
brothers: John, Frank, and Howard. God, we were close. “The Four
Musketeers,” we used to call ourselves. Well, “The Three Musketeers,”
actually — they always let me be the Queen of Spain. Marvellous. I
mean, yes, I was the butt of the occasional practical joke, but I mean,
er, nothing sinister.

On the screen, two boys in scout uniforms are seen hammering wooden stakes into the ground. The stakes are tied to the arms and legs of a third boy in scout uniform. One boy smears jam onto the bound boy’s face as the other holds up a tin labelled “Ants” to the camera, and then begins pouring it onto the bound boy’s face.

RIMMER: Just the usual boyhood pranks, you know: apple-pied beds, and black-eyed telescope … and, one time, they even hid a small land mine in my sand pit. They took it from my father’s gun cabinet. I mean, how were they supposed to know it was going to go off? Marvellous guys.

The video image now shows a woman reading “Good Schools Guide.”

KRYTEN: Oh, and, er, who’s that, there? and old girlfriend, Mr Arnold, sir?
RIMMER: Hardly.
KRYTEN: Ah, no. Not really your type, I suppose — silly old trout like
that.
RIMMER: She’s my mother.
KRYTEN: Oh! I am _so_ sorry, sir!!!
RIMMER: Just forget it.
KRYTEN: Oh, how can I forget it, sir? I compared your mother to a
foolish, aged, blubbery fish! I said she was a simple-minded, scaly
old piscine! I estimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal with
galloping senility! A putrid amphibious gillbreather with (cries) with
less brains than a mollusc!
RIMMER: (Forcefully) Forget it! (Looks back to screen.) Ah! Freeze!

The image freezes on her still reading the book.

RIMMER: Ah, there she is — magnificent woman. Very prim, very proper.
Some say austere. Some people took her for cold, thought she was
aloof. Not a bit of it — she just despised idiots; no time for fools.
Tragic, really. Otherwise we would have got on famously.
KRYTEN: Well, if you’ll excuse me, sir, I’ll go now — this is clearly a
very private family moment. I’ve no fish to embarrass you further.
I’ll let myself trout. (Begins to leave, but then returns, crying once
again in apology.) Oh, sir, I’m–
RIMMER: Just go!

KRYTEN leaves. As RIMMER shakes his head, HOLLY appears on the screen.

HOLLY: I don’t want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there’s a very tiny possibility that there may very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board.
RIMMER: You mean like last time, when you got us all worked up and we went scooting off down to the cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks, and it turned out to be one of Lister’s socks?
HOLLY: I didn’t recognise the genetic structure. Biologically speaking, they were a completely new life form.
RIMMER: Absolutely ridiculous! I felt the total goit.
HOLLY: Well, I think you should take a butchers.
RIMMER: Where is it?
HOLLY: I lost it. It’s somewhere along the habitation decks.
RIMMER: (Standing) I can’t get a moment’s peace in this place…

9 Int. Sleeping quarters.

LISTER is sitting back at the table as KRYTEN enters, with the vacuum cleaner tube attached.

KRYTEN: Enjoying your meal, sir?
LISTER: It’s delicious, Kryten — de-smegging-licious. It’s my own
recipe, you know: Shami Kebab Diablo! It’s beautiful, man. It’s like
eating molten lava. I cooked up one for Petersen once, you know … he was in sickbay for a week — for a week!

LISTER shakes some pepper on the remaining kebab as he watches KRYTEN clean. The kebab wriggles and sneezes.

LISTER: What’d you say?
KRYTEN: I didn’t say anything, sir.

LISTER picks up a scalpel and sets to cut the kebab, but he notices it
wriggling. It notices him trying to cut it, and leaps around his neck.
LISTER falls to the floor, trying to pry off the kebab.

KRYTEN: Do you seriously like them that hot, sir?
LISTER: (Pointing at the kebab) It’s trying to kill me!
KRYTEN: Oh, it’s a good one, huh?

LISTER manages finally to pry it off, and the kebab runs behind some
cases.

LISTER: It went under here — I can see it! (He beats at the cases with
a baseball bat.)
KRYTEN: Are you all right, sir?

A noise is heard as the polymorph changes shape.

LISTER: Smeg! It’s gone!
KRYTEN: What?
LISTER: How can that be? Where could it go? (He picks up a pair of red shorts from the floor and begins to put them on.) We better get out of here, Kryten. Something very weird is going on. Something very, very– ooh! There’s some kind of pain in my groin…

Movement is seen underneath LISTER’s robe as his shorts begin making noise. He screams.

KRYTEN: What’s wrong?
LISTER: My underpants — they’re shrinking! Oh god! The boxers are
alive, man! They’re getting smaller!!!

LISTER falls to the floor on his back, writhing in pain.

LISTER: Help me, please! Please!!!

KRYTEN goes to his knees and begins to try removing LISTER’s shorts.
RIMMER enters, and sees the goings-on from behind KRYTEN.

LISTER: (Still bouncing wildly) Please, I’m begging you! Get them off,
man! Pull them down!

KRYTEN finally retrieves the shorts, and stands, holding them — very
small they are too. He puts them on LISTER’s bunk.

RIMMER: Well, I can’t say I’m totally shocked… You’ll bonk anything,
won’t you, Lister!
LISTER: Kryten, the boxers: where are they?
KRYTEN: I threw them over here.

He looks but he can’t find them.

LISTER: You sure?
KRYTEN: There’s nothing here!

The polymorph can be heard changing form once more.

KRYTEN: (Rummaging around LISTER’s bunk) Just the blanket, and the pillows, and the…
LISTER: (Startled) Snake!!!
KRYTEN: … snake.
RIMMER: Snake?!

KRYTEN has a large boa constrictor wrapped around him. It suddenly leaps
at and attacks LISTER. LISTER struggles with it, but manages to stuff it into his laundry basket.

RIMMER: What the smeg is going on?
LISTER: (Walking backwards away from the basket, cowering) I hate snakes!
They freak me out totally, snakes.

He picks up some large forceps and approaches the basket.

LISTER: They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy.
RIMMER: What’s your first?

The polymorph changes shape as LISTER opens the basket, and a huge, fleshy, slimy-appendaged creature shoots out, reaching the ceiling. It has a set of sharp teeth on extendable jaws.

LISTER: (To RIMMER) This.

From between the jaws, a thin, slimy sucker comes out and attaches to
LISTER’s forehead, with a quiet, squishy “splat.” LISTER collapses.

10 Int. Medical unit.

LISTER is asleep in the medical unit. CAT leans against his bed. RIMMER
and KRYTEN are standing nearby.

CAT: Is he OK?
RIMMER: As far as we can tell, yes.
CAT: So where’d the creature go?
RIMMER: Well, it turned into a kind of splodgy, squelchy thing and
squidged off down the corridor.
CAT: What is it? Some kind of alien?
HOLLY: No, it’s from Earth — man made. I checked out its DNA profile.
Some kind of genetic experiment that went wrong.
KRYTEN: Apparently, it was an attempt to create the ultimate warrior — a mutant that could change shape to suit its terrain and deceive its enemies.
CAT: So what did go wrong?
KRYTEN: (Throaty and dramatic) It’s insane!
HOLLY: It feeds off the negative emotions — fear, guilt, anger, paranoia — drains them out of its prey.
KRYTEN: It’s a sort of emotional vampire. It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion — in Lister’s case, it took him to the very limit of his terror, then sucked out his fear.
RIMMER: So now Lister’s got no sense of fear?
KRYTEN: Precisely.
RIMMER: What are we going to do?
LISTER: (Sitting up, awake) Well, I say let’s get out there and twat it!

RIMMER: Lister, you’re ill. Just relax and leave this to us.
LISTER: I could have had it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it —
you saw it — it took me by surprise.
RIMMER: Lister, it turned into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine.
LISTER: If it wants a Bonney, we’ll give it one! One swift knee in the
happy sacks; it’ll drop like anyone else!
RIMMER: Fine, well, we’ll bear that in mind when we’re planning our
strategy.
LISTER: I’m gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it death with the tonsil end.
RIMMER: Yes, yes, very good…
LISTER: I’m gonna stick my fist so far down its gob, I’ll be able to pull
the label off its underpants.
RIMMER: Yes, yes… Kryten…

KRYTEN injects a sedative through LISTER’s arm.

LISTER: What’s that, pal? You starting trouble??
KRYTEN: It’s just a little something to calm you down, sir.
LISTER: Come on, then! All of you, slags! All together or one at a
time! I don’t care — it’s all the same to me! I’m… (Collapses.)
RIMMER: Ah, thank god for that. Right — as far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who’s for Two?
KRYTEN: Two sounds pretty good to me, sir.
CAT: It’s always been _my_ lucky number.
RIMMER: Right, well, let’s load up Starbug and get out of here.
HOLLY: What about Lister?
RIMMER: Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He’ll be safe here
until we’re ready to go.
HOLLY: Remember: it’s out there, and it could be anything.
RIMMER: Let’s move it.
KRYTEN: What about the Space Corps Directive which states, “It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange
information, and, wherever possible, bring them home?”
RIMMER: What about the Rimmer Directive which states, “Never tangle with anything that’s got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?”

RIMMER leaves, and is followed by KRYTEN and CAT.

11 Int. Cargo deck.

Later, in the bowels of the ship, the three are going down a cargo lift.
In the dim blue light, KRYTEN is monitoring a device he holds in his
hand. Beeps from it become more rapid until it makes a solid tone. CAT
is wearing a silver jacket, and has on a headband and studded fingerless gloves. CAT and KRYTEN each carry a bazookoid and wear a backpack.

KRYTEN: (Softly) It’s here.
CAT: Where?
KRYTEN: Somewhere.
RIMMER: Set the bazookoids to heat-seeker.

CAT and KRYTEN do so.

RIMMER: When you see it, aim roughly in its direction, and the heat
seekers will do the rest.

They step off the lift, and creep around. RIMMER looks down a corridor between crates of cargo.

RIMMER: (Mumbling) Is that a shadow? (Shouting) It’s in the shadows!
There! There! There! (Points frantically.)

CAT and KRYTEN emerge from behind crates beside RIMMER, and fire down the corridor.

RIMMER: Sorry. My fault. False alarm.
CAT: Idiot.

The heat-seeking balls of energy round the corner as they continue their search for a valid target. They then change direction and head back toward the trio. The view changes to a computer screen bullet-eye view.
The screen reads “LASERTHERMO ENABLED; STATUS KILL; LOCKED.” The group manages to duck just in time, and the energy balls fly over their heads.

RIMMER: I don’t understand it — holograms don’t produce heat, and
neither do androids. What are they homing in on?

CAT freezes for a moment, then looks over at RIMMER and KRYTEN as they look at him.

CAT: So long, guys. (Runs away.)

The energy balls return to where RIMMER and KRYTEN are and round the
corner, chasing CAT. CAT runs around a few corners, then grabs a
cardboard box and holds it up. The energy falls burn through it and go down the aisle. CAT throws down the box and begins running again as the energy balls change direction to follow him again. From a motionless camera, CAT can be seen trotting across a perpendicular aisle, followed
by the balls, then almost immediately across the next aisle, in the other direction. This continues for the next aisle, and then he’s seen running down the last aisle one way, then the other. The view changes to ground
level between CAT’s feet. He leaps over the energy balls and dives downa side aisle. The balls still chase after him, but have lost him. CA walks quietly down an aisle, with his back against the cargo boxes. He peeks down another aisle, then walks into an intersection. At the next intersection, the two balls hover, waiting for him.

CAT: Oh, come on — give me a break!

CAT runs down an aisle again, followed by the balls. He runs to a dead end except for a door. He activates the door, which slides open, and ducks. The balls fly past him, into the small area beyond the door. CAT
reaches up and hits the door control again, trapping the energy balls
inside. He stands up.

CAT: You either got it or you ain’t. Boys, you ain’t even close.
(Struts away, then hears RIMMER’s voice calling.)
RIMMER: (VO) Cat, where are you?
CAT: Over here!
RIMMER: (Rounding a corner somewhere) Stay put — we’ll come and find you.
KRYTEN: (Rounding the same corner) Keep talking!

CAT doesn’t believe this, and sneaks around warily. He hops into a `T’ intersection, turns 360 degrees, then walks down the vertical part of the `T’. A woman comes up behind him.

WOMAN: What are you looking for?
CAT: A mutant. It’s dangerous — it can turn into anything!
WOMAN: Oh, sounds pretty scary!
CAT: It is, baby. Believe me.
WOMAN: (As they round a corner) It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work.
CAT: Well, I guess you’re right!
WOMAN: And smart — I bet you have to be smart!
CAT: (Stops walking) Smart? Yeah, you definitely have to be smart. Like I say, it can turn into anything. You gotta have your wits about you all the time — don’t let up for one second, or it’ll just creep up on
you and (motions with his paw) _blip!_ you’re dog meat. (Motioning
with his head down the corridor) Come on, babe. (Walks on.)
WOMAN: You know, you’re really quite a guy — brave, smart, handsome…
CAT: (Stops walking suddenly and smiles.) Oh, you think handsome?
WOMAN: Oh, come on. You know, you’re probably the best-looking guy I’ve ever seen.
CAT: Well, I wasn’t going to be the first to say it.
WOMAN: Do you know what I’d really like?
CAT: Hmm?
WOMAN: I’d really like to make love to guy like you.
CAT: (Big grin) Well, I’m sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.
Let’s see … er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?
WOMAN: Nothing I couldn’t cancel. (Runs her tongue along her teeth.)
CAT: Hi. I’m the Cat.
WOMAN: Hi. I’m the Genetic Mutant.
CAT: Glad to know you … Genny who?

The polymorph turns back into its large slimy form, its jaws extend, and the thin, slimy sucker come out and plops onto CAT’s forehead.
Elsewhere, KRYTEN and RIMMER have heard this and begin running down the aisles, RIMMER trailing a considerable distance behind.

RIMMER: It’s got him! It’s got him!

KRYTEN rushes around the corner near CAT. RIMMER walks in slowly behind.

KRYTEN: (Kneeling over CAT) Oh, my goodness! Are you all right? (Pets
CAT’s head, then uses an electronic instrument.)
RIMMER: Is he dead?
KRYTEN: Unconscious, but, according to the psi scan, he appears to have lost an emotion.
RIMMER: Which emotion?
KRYTEN: He’s lost his vanity!
RIMMER: This is your fault, Kryten.
KRYTEN: (Stammering, surprised) M-M-M-My fault?
RIMMER: We were supposed to stick together. You let the Cat run off alone.
KRYTEN: But it wasn’t… I mean…
RIMMER: He trusted you. Now look at him.
KRYTEN: Oh, please… I feel so–
RIMMER: GUILTY?!!!
KRYTEN: Yes.
RIMMER: GOOD!!! (his face stretches)

KRYTEN looks shocked, then the slimy sucker plops onto his forehead. A twoshot shows the polymorph sucking the guilt from KRYTEN.

The real RIMMER runs around some corners, and comes behind the creature still feeding. He sneaks closer to it, then jumps into a pseudo-karate stance, with a “Hah!” shouted. The polymorph has no reaction. RIMMER
steps back a bit, then the creature turns to face him. RIMMER holds up the back of his hands, limp-wristed, then moves his hands, saying “Shoo! Shoo!” The polymorph changes into its small initial form and slinks away, between some boxes. RIMMER approaches KRYTEN.

RIMMER: Let’s just get Lister and get out of here!
KRYTEN: It’s got my guilt! I have lost the single emotion which prevents my transgressing the mores, moras, and matters of civilised society.
RIMMER: Stop your blithering, Kryten. Come on! Grab the Cat, and let’s go!
KRYTEN: Oh, screw you, hadron-head!

RIMMER leaves.

12 Int. Medical unit.

A spigot is bulging. LISTER is beginning to wake up. The polymorph
makes its way out of the spigot and falls to the floor.

13 Int. Corridor.

RIMMER runs down a corridor, but then stops, turning around.

RIMMER: Where have you been? Let’s go!

CAT staggers around the corner. His hair is a mess and he carries paper sack with a bottle inside. He wears dirty clothes, including an anorak.
His speech is slurred.

CAT: I’ve been getting myself comfortable, man. (Staggers beyond
RIMMER.)
RIMMER: Come on, Kryten! You’re holding us all up!

KRYTEN rounds the corner, lugging a bazookoid.

KRYTEN: Ah, who cares?
RIMMER: You’re going to get us all killed! (Rounds the next corner.)
KRYTEN: So?

14 Int. Medical unit.

A woman’s hand, wearing a ring, is toying on LISTER’s abdomen. LISTER
finally wakes up, looks at her face, then lets his head fall back down.
KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT enter.

KRYTEN: Oh, look! It’s Bonehead’s mum. (Laughs.)
RIMMER: Mother?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Hello, dear!
RIMMER: _What_ are you doing?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Well, what does it look like, darling? (Kisses LISTER.)
RIMMER: (To LISTER) You’ve just made love to my mother!?
LISTER: Yeah. Do you want to make something of it?
HOLLY: It’s not your mother, it’s the polymorph!
RIMMER: (Half shouting) You’ve just had my mum!?
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Five times! He was like a wild stallion!
KRYTEN: (Snidely quoting RIMMER) “Very prim, very proper, almost
austere!” (Laughs.)
HOLLY: Don’t fall for it, Arn — it’s trying to make you angry!
RIMMER’S MOTHER: Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action. He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room.
RIMMER: (Turning) I think I’m going to be sick.
HOLLY: Don’t get angry! That’s what it wants!
RIMMER: Lister and mother… (Through grit teeth) It’s a dream come true.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: (Sits up to face RIMMER’s profile.) He’s so energetic!
I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out.
RIMMER: How lovely.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: The positions he bent me into!
RIMMER: Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done.
RIMMER’S MOTHER: And the things this boy can do with Alphabetti
Spaghetti!
HOLLY: Cool it, Arnie!
RIMMER: (Furious) ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!!!

The sucker attaches to RIMMER’s hologrammatic forehead, just above the
`H’.

15 Int. Sleeping quarters. Later.

Everyone is assembled together. CAT sits on the floor, drinking out of the bottle. Most of the drink spills down his shirt, but it blends in
with previous stains.

CAT: Where is it now?
HOLLY: It’s gone back down to the cargo bays, sleeping off a four-course meal of fear, vanity, guilt, and anger. You’d better get it before it comes back for seconds.

RIMMER is wearing a T-shirt which reads, “GIVE QUICHE A CHANCE.” He also
wears shorts and a wristwatch, and is smoking a pipe. His face sports a goatee and black spectacles. He speaks with a lot of hand movements, fingers together, outstretched.

 

Buy the T-Shirt at Amazon!

RIMMER: Look, just because it’s an armour-plated alien killing machine
that salivates unspeakable slobber, doesn’t mean it’s a bad person.
What we’ve got to do is get it round a table, and put together a
solution package — perhaps over tea and biscuits.
KRYTEN: (In LISTER’s bunk) Look at him! You can’t trust his opinion —
he’s got no anger. He’s a total dork!
RIMMER: Good point, Kryten. Let’s take that on board, shall we? Erm,
David? David, do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?
LISTER: (Carrying a bazookoid on his shoulder and holding the baseball
bat) Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold. Why don’t we go down to the
ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head? I’ll nuke the smegger to oblivion! (Makes a butting motion with his head.)
RIMMER: Right, well, that’s very nice, David. Let’s put that on the back burner, shall we? Erm, Cat, let’s have your contribution … come on.
CAT: Hey, don’t ask me my opinion — I’m nobody. Just pretend I’m not here.
RIMMER: That’s lovely. Thank you very much. Erm, moving on a step —
and I hope no-one thinks that I’m setting myself up as a self-elected
chairperson … just see me as a facilitator — erm, Kryten, what’s
your view? Don’t be shy.
KRYTEN: Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy, and, while
it’s busy eating him alive, we could creep up on it unawares and blast
it into the stratosphere.
LISTER: (Enthusiastic) Good plan! That’s the best plan yet! Let it get
knackered eating me to death, then you guys could just, like, catch it
unawares!
RIMMER: Well, that’s certainly an option, David, yes. Erm, but here’s my proposal: Let’s get tough. The time for talking is over. Call it
extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with
a major — and I mean _major_ — leaflet campaign, and while it’s
reeling from that, we’d follow up with a {whist} drive, a car boot
sale, some street theatre and possibly even some benefit concerts. OK?
Now, if that’s not enough, I’m sorry, it’s time for the T-shirts:
“Mutants Out” … “Chameleonic Life Forms, No Thanks” … and if that’s not enough, well, I don’t know what will be.
KRYTEN: Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled
bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation?
LISTER: Listen, you bunch of tarts, it’s clobbering time! (Hits the bat
against his head.) There’s a body bag out there with that scudball’s
name on it, and I’m doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema!
CAT: I think _everybody’s_ right, except me, so just forget I spoke, all
right?
RIMMER: Erm, I think we’re all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between “The League Against Salivating Monsters” or, my own personal preference, which is “The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society.” Erm, one drawback with that — the abbreviation is “CLITORIS.”

LISTER: Look, it needs killing! If that means I have to sacrifice my
life in some stupid pointless way, then all the better!
KRYTEN: Yes! Why not? I mean, even if it doesn’t work, it’ll still be a
laugh!
LISTER: Right, so let’s just cut all of this business (He moves his
fingers around the bat in a mouth-talking way) and get on with it!
Last one alive’s a wet ponce. Who’s with me?
RIMMER: Well, the car stickers aren’t ready until Thursday, but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously. People, let’s go. (Follows LISTER out.)
CAT: (Standing) Hey, I’m coming, too. Maybe I can bum some money off him.
KRYTEN: Maybe if I hand you guys over, it’ll let me go. MOVE IT,
SUCKERS!

16 Int. Cargo bay.

Later, the polymorph moves through the cargo bay. At a `T’ intersection,
LISTER jumps in, then whips the baseball bat around each side of him a few times, then misses, sending the bat impacting between his legs. He staggers for a bit then begins to walk as the others fall in behind him.
RIMMER is holding a sign which reads “CHAMELEONIC LIFE FORMS NO THANKS.”
He’s singing a “Love Everybody; Peace; Love” song.)

LISTER: Come on, you chicken. Show us your slobbery chops, and we’ll blow them off.
KRYTEN: Here they are — nice juicy humans! Come and get them! Heeere, muty mutant!

The polymorph continues wandering around the aisles. The foursome stand
looking down an aisle as the creature stands to its full height behind
them, unnoticed. LISTER uses his baseball bat to open the door, and the energy balls fired earlier zoom out. The foursome duck, and the balls fly to and detonate on the polymorph. Bits of the polymorph fall on the foursome, as they suddenly have regained their lost emotions. They stand up.

CAT: Phewee! What am I wearing?
KRYTEN: Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs? Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately. (Sticks his bazookoid barrel in his mouth.)
LISTER: (Pulling KRYTEN’s bazookoid away) Hey… We were all a bit
whacked out there.
RIMMER: You can say that again. (Looks at his pipe.)
CAT: Come on — let’s go and clean up. If I don’t get into some co-
ordinated evening wear, I’m going to have to resign my post as Most
Handsome Guy on the Ship.

CAT leaves, followed by KRYTEN, RIMMER and LISTER.

17 Ext. Space.

The pod from which the polymorph came still spins in space, and another sign is seen on it: “CONTENTS 2.”

18 Int. Cargo bay.

Down the cargo bay, the group walks in line: CAT, KRYTEN RIMMER, LISTER
and … LISTER! The second LISTER stops, looks into the camera, smiles, giggles, roars, and turns into the eight-foot slimy creature. Its sucker reaches toward the viewer.

The End

 

 

Here is the full script for Red Dwarf Series 3 Episode 2 – Marooned. For more scripts and Red Dwarf quotes, check out our Facebook page!

RED DWARF Series 3 Episode 2, “Marooned”

 

HOLLY: Abandon ship! Black Hole approaching. Abandon ship…

The siren stops.

HOLLY: Oh, god, now the siren’s broken. Awooga, awooga. Abandon ship…

2 Int. Starbug cockpit. Day.

Throughout the scene, a red light is flasing. HOLLY is on a monitor.

RIMMER: But a Black Hole’s a huge, compacted star! It’s millions of
miles wide! Why didn’t you see it on the radar screen?
HOLLY: Well, the thing about a Black Hole – it’s main distinguishing
feature – is it’s black. And the thing about space, your basic space
colour is black. So how are you s’posed to see them?
RIMMER: But five of them! How can you be ambushed by five Black Holes?
HOLLY: Always the way, isn’t it? You hang around in Deep Space for three
million years and you don’t see one. Then, all of a sudden, five all
turn up at once.

3 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

KRYTEN and LISTER enter carrying an ornate trunk. LISTER has his guitar
slung over one shoulder.

LISTER: Come on — we’ve got less than twenty minutes.
RIMMER: Careful … careful … Mind the hatchway! Don’t knock it!
LISTER: What’d you want this piece of junk for?
RIMMER: That “piece of junk” happens to be a Javanese camphor-wood chest.
It belonged to my father. It’s got all my valuables in it.

KRYTEN goes out. LISTER opens the trunk and peers inside.

LISTER: I never realised you had so much crap. What’s this?

Brings up a handful of fairly hefty wooden soldiers.

LISTER: Toy soldiers?
RIMMER: Toy soldiers? (Laughs.) They’ve been in our family for years.
They’re priceless nineteenth-century replicas of Napolean’s Armee du
Nord.

LISTER turns the soldiers over in his hand.

LISTER: So you can’t change the clothes and that, like you can with
Sindy?

LISTER places the soldiers back in the box. Spots something else.

LISTER: And what the smeg’s this?

LISTER pulls out a wad of bank notes.

RIMMER: Just what little I’ve managed to scrimp and scrape, by tossing
the odd copper aside for a rainy day.
LISTER: There must be twenty grand here.
RIMMER: Twenty-four. Look — I thought we were supposed to be getting
off the ship.

LISTER and RIMMER step up into:

4 Int. Starbug cockpit. Day.

LISTER: Twenty-four thousand!? And you had the front to borrow money off
me to buy me a birthday present?
RIMMER: It was only fifteen quid.
LISTER: Right. Fifteen quid. And what did I get? A five-quid book
token.
RIMMER: Those card’s aren’t free, you know. I had to fork out for that
as well.
LISTER: And you never paid me back. You’re tighter than an Italian
waiter’s keks.

The CAT and KRYTEN come in.

KRYTEN: Blue midget is loaded.
RIMMER: Are you sure you’ve got everything?
KRYTEN: Just the bare essentials — food and medical supplies.
CAT: Yeah, and I’m just taking the bare essentials, too — thirty-six
changes of clothing and ten full-length dress mirrors.
LISTER: Cat — we’re going to be away twelve hours.
CAT: You think I need more mirrors?
LISTER: Come on, let’s move it.

5 Model shot.

Starbug and Blue Midget leave Red Dwarf and split off. Over, we hear:

HOLLY: Okay, this is the plan: I’ll try and navigate Red Dwarf through
the minefield of Black Holes. If all goes well, we’ll all rendezvous
on the desert moon Sigma four D.
CAT: What happens if all doesn’t go well?
HOLLY: Well, Red Dwarf and everything on it will be compacted to the size
of a small garden pea.
LISTER: Bye, bye, Birdseye.

6 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

The control consoles all read “autopilot.” LISTER is at the table, eating
a curry, turning one of RIMMER’s toy soldiers over in his other hand.

RIMMER: Look, please, honestly. they’re priceless.
LISTER: I’m just having a goosie.
RIMMER: Look, if you get curry all over them, how’s that going to look?
What’s Lieutenant-General Baron Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division
supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?
LISTER: It’ll make him look more authentic. People’ll think he’s got
dysentry.

LISTER puts them back in the trunk.

LISTER You’re obsessed with war, aren’t you? You collect toy soldiers,
play war games, read all those stupid combat mags. And half your books
are on Patton and Ceasar and various other gits.

RIMMER: It’s about leadership. That’s what I admire — the ability to
command, to out-think a worthy opponent on the field of battle.
LISTER: It’s so ironic, when deep down you’re such a basic, natural
coward.
RIMMER: Coward?
LISTER: Planet leave, Miranda? That space bar, the “Hacienda?” When that
fight started up? You were out of that door quicker than a whippet
with a bumful of dynamite!
RIMMER: That was a bar-room brawl! A common pub fight. A shambolic set-
to.
LISTER: Which you started.
RIMMER: I just made an innocuous comment, I merely voiced a rumour that
MacWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I
didn’t start the rumour. I simply voiced it.
LISTER: To his face. Right to his face. When he was there with his four
biggest mates. Then you did your Roadrunner act, and left me to face
the music.
RIMMER: I could have got hurt.
LISTER: You’d have made a brilliant general, would’t you?
RIMMER: Generals don’t smash chairs over people’s heads. They don’t
smash Newcastle Brown bottles into your face and say “Stitch that,
Jimmy.” They’re in the nice white tent, on the top of the hill, sipping
Sancerre and directing the battle. They’re Men of Honour.
LISTER: I don’t believe it! You make war sound romantic.
RIMMER: I’ll tell you something. Something I’ve never told anyone. When
I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a school trip, to the site of
Alexander The Great’s palace. And for the first time in my whole life,
I felt … I felt I was home. This place was where I belonged. Years
later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist — Donald — and told him
about the Alexander the Great thing, and he said that he’d regress me
back through my past lives. I was dubious, but I let him put me under.
It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct — I had lived a
past life in Macedonia. That palace was my home. Because, believe it
or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander
the Great’s chief eunuch.
LISTER: Do you know something? I believe you.
RIMMER: He didn’t say that I was Alexander himself, which is obviously
what I wanted to hear. But it explained everything: I’d lived a
previous life alongside one of the greatest generals in history. No
wonder the military’s in my blood.
LISTER: No wonder you’re such a good singer.
RIMMER: Well, maybe it’s rot, I don’t know. But it’s funny — to this
day, I can’t look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing. And why is
it, whenever I’m with a large group of women, I have this overwhelming
urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?
LISTER: I have that urge, Rimmer. It’s got nothing to do with past
lives.
RIMMER: Well, why is it, then?

LISTER steps up into the cockpit. Stars glint through the front-view
window behind him.

LISTER: It’s because you’re unhappy with your own weasly, humdrum
existance. You’re looking for something with a bit more … I don’t
know … glamour.

Behind him we see a flaming meteor hurtling towards them. RIMMER’s eyes
widen slightly as panic robs him of the power of speech.

LISTER: Now is what counts — you’ve got to live life today. Who knows
what’s going to happen tomorrow? Who knows what’s going to happen in
the next five minutes? That’s what makes life so exciting.

The meteor smashes into them.

7 Model shot.

Meteor collides with Starbug, sending it spinning into the atmosphere of
the moon below.

8 Model shot.

Starbug overheating as it plummets through cloud.

9 Model Shot.

Starbug crash-lands on snowy landscape and screams to a halt.

LISTER: (VO) You see what I mean?

10 Stock footage. Arctic wasteland.

Blizzard. Mix to:

11 Model shot.

Starbug in snowy wasteland.

12 Ext. Starbug crashed.

Starbug’s door opens (the rest of what we can see of the vehicle is
covered in snow) and LISTER, wearing a huge, furry anorak, a shovel
strapped to his back, opens the door and fights against the wind and the
blizzard to get out. He manages to open it far enough to get his head
out, then the door snaps back, and LISTER’s face is shut in the door,
contorted out of shape. He finally manages to push it open and falls out
of shot. We see him holding on to the craft, fighting against the
incredibly strong wind, edging his way gingerly to the front. As he lets
go of the ship to unhook his shovel, he gets blown away. He’s yanked
completely oout of shot. We then see him being dragged along the ground
on his back, finally smashing to rest against an ice dune. We cut to:
LISTER crawling on his knees against the wind, using his shovel like a
canoe paddle. Cut to: LISTER tying a rope around his waist, then tying
it to the craft. He tugs on the rope and tests it. When he feels safe
enough, he reaches back for the shovel. With a snap, the rope breaks and
he gets yanked out of frame again.

13 Int. Starbug rear. Night.

RIMMER is leaning over the controls. A monitor screen is buzzing with
interference.

RIMMER: Mayday! Mayday! Can you read me? Come in, please. Can you
read me?

The outer door opens and LISTER stumbles in, followed by a blizzard. He
stands shivering.

RIMMER: (Without looking up) Still snowing, is it?

LISTER sits at the table.

LISTER: It’s useless. You can hardly stand up, never mind dig it out.
No luck?
RIMMER: Nothing’s getting through.
LISTER: Three Days! They must be looking for us by now. Where the smeg
are they?
RIMMER: It’s impossible to find us in this weather. They could be ten
feet away and walk straight past us.
LISTER: We’re going to die, aren’t we? How much food is there?
RIMMER: There’s half a bag of soggy Smoky Bacon Crisps, a tin of mustard
powder, a brown lemon, three water biscuits, two bottles of vinegar and
a tube of Bonjella gum ointment.
LISTER: Gum ointment?
RIMMER: Yes, it was in the first-aid box. It’s that minty flavour. It’s
quite nice.
LISTER: It’s quite nice if you smear it on your mouth ulcer, but you
can’t sit down and eat it.
RIMMER: You may have to.
LISTER: That’s it? There’s nothing else?
RIMMER: Just a Pot Noodle. Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool
cupboard.
LISTER: (Sighs.) Well. Pretty obvious what gets eaten last. I can’t
stand pot Noodles. (Pause.) We’re going to die, aren’t we? Correction
— I’m going to die You’re a hologram. you’re already dead. You don’t
need food.
RIMMER: Did you find any wood?
LISTER: There’s no wood. There’s no vegetation out there. Smeg all.
Just a wasteland.
RIMMER: We can’t let that fire go out — it’s your only form of heat.
LISTER: I’m going to die, aren’t I? God, I’m hungry. I’m going to have
the crisps…
RIMMER: No!
LISTER: Just one.
RIMMER: You ate less than sixteen hours ago.
LISTER: It’s all right for you. You don’t even feel the cold.
RIMMER: Take your mind off it. Find something to put on the fire.

LISTER gets up and starts to look for something to burn.

RIMMER: Mayday! Mayday! (To LISTER) I wonder why it’s “Mayday?”

LISTER gathers some books from the trunk.

LISTER: Eh?
RIMMER: The distress call. Why d’you say “Mayday?” It’s only a Bank
Holiday. Why not “Shrove Tuesday” or “Ascension Sunday?” (Mimics)
Ascension Sunday! Ascension Sunday! The fifteenth Wednesday after
Pentecost! The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!
LISTER: It’s French, you doink. It’s m’aidez. Help me. Muh-aid-ay
(Sighs.) Everywhere I look reminds me of food. Look at these books:
Charles Lamb, Herman Wok, the complete works of Sir Francis Bacon, Eric
Van Lustbader…
RIMMER: Eric Van Lustbader? What’s he got to do with food?
LISTER: Van. Bread van, meat van, food!
RIMMER: Look, you’re getting obsessed.
LISTER: It’s these books! It’s like someone’s put them there to taunt
me. Look at this — The Caretaker by Harold Pinta.
RIMMER: It’s “Pinter.” Stop thinking about food.
LISTER: Take my mind off it. Talk about something.
RIMMER: like what?
LISTER: Anything.
RIMMER: Urmmmm…
LISTER: Come on!
RIMMER: Anything apart from food?
LISTER: Don’t talk about food!
RIMMER: I just can’t think of another topic.
LISTER: Don’t mention topics! They’re food! Tell me a story. Any
story.
RIMMER: I don’t know any stories.
LISTER: Anything. Tell me how you lost your virginity.
RIMMER: My what?
LISTER: Come on. Talk to me.
RIMMER: How I lost it? Well it was so long ago … I was so young and
sexually precocious, I’m not sure I can remember.
LISTER: Everyone can remember how they lost their virginity. It’s one of
those things … like everyone can remember where they were when Cliff
Richard was shot. Or when the first woman landed on Pluto. Or when
they installed the gigantic toupee over the earth to cover the gap in
the ozone layer. It’s just one of those things you always remember.
RIMMER: Well, I don’t. Good grief, you can hardly expect me to recall
every sexual liason I’ve ever partaken of. What d’you think I am —
Marvo the Memory Man?
LISTER: Come on, Rimmer. The truth.
RIMMER: The truth? Not much to tell, really. I’ve always been a bit of
a fish out of water when it comes to women. Never know what to say. I
wasn’t very highly sexed, to be honest with you. I think it was all
that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy. Still, the first
time … the first time was this girl I met at Cadet College. Sandra,
she was called. We did it in the back of my brother’s car.
LISTER: What was it like?
RIMMER: Oh, brilliant. Incredible. (Goes glassy-eyed.) Bentley
convertible. V8 turbo. Walnut veneer panelling. Marvellous machine.
So what about you?
LISTER: Michelle Fisher. The ninth hole of the Bootle Municipal golf
course. Par four, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
RIMMER: You lost your virginity on a golf course? How did you have the
nerve?
LISTER: It wasn’t in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was
midnight.
RIMMER: Oh, I seeee.
LISTER: Michelle. Michelle Fisher. God, she was gorgeous.
RIMMER: How old were you?
LISTER: Just gorgeous. If she’d have wanted, she could probably have got
a job behind the perfume counter at Lewis’, that’s how good-looking she
was.
RIMMER: How old were you?
LISTER: She took off all her clothes and just stood there in front of me,
completely naked. I was so excited, I nearly dropped my skateboard.
RIMMER: Your _skateboard_? How old were you?
LISTER: Twelve.
RIMMER: Twelve!!! Twelve years old!!? You lost your virginity when you
were twelve???
LISTER: yeah.
RIMMER: Twelve?? (Pause.) Well, you can’t have been a full member of the Golf Club, then.

LISTER: ‘Course I wasn’t.
RIMMER: You did it on a golf course, and you weren’t a member?
LISTER: ‘Course I wasn’t.
RIMMER: You didn’t pay any green fees or anything?
LISTER: It was just a place to go.
RIMMER: I used to play golf. I hate people who abuse the facilities. I
hope you raked the sand back nicely before you left. That’d be a hell
of a lie to get into, wouldn’t it? Competition the next day, and your
ball lands in Lister’s buttock crevice. You’d need more than a niblick
to get that one out.
LISTER: Are you trying to say I’ve got a big bum?
RIMMER: Big? It’s like two badly-parked Volkswagens. The only things I
ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel
and the animal tracks on the soles. Porky Roebuck threw them in the
septic tank behind the sports ground. I cried for weeks — I was
wearing them. I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.
LISTER: Maybe that’s because you used to be Alexander the Great’s cheif
eunuch.

LISTER starts tearing pages from the book and throwing them on to the
fire.

RIMMER: What are you doing?
LISTER: There’s nothing left to burn.
RIMMER: But not my books! Don’t burn the books.
LISTER: There’s nothing else left.
RIMMER: But it’s obscene. A book is a thing of beauty. The voice of
freedom. It’s the essence of civilisation.
LISTER: (Reads title) _Biggles’ Big Adventure_.
RIMMER: Well, perhaps not that one, but you know what I’m saying.

LISTER throws it in the stove and picks up another one.

LISTER: _Complete Works of Shakespeare_. That should be good for a
couple of hours.
RIMMER: Three days without food, and the walls of civilisation come
tumbling down!
LISTER: What d’you mean?
RIMMER: They say that every society is only three meals away from
revolutiuon. Deprive a culture of food for three meals, and you’ll
have an anarchy. And it’s true, isn’t it? You haven’t eaten for a
couple of days, and you’ve turned into a barbarian.
LISTER: I’m just burning a book!
RIMMER: It’s not just a book. It’s the only copy of probably the
greatest work in English literature. Probably the only copy left in
the entire universe, and you’re quite happy to toss it on the fire to
keep your little mitts warm for fifteen minutes?
LISTER: There’s nothing else to burn.
RIMMER: That’s it, then, is it? Goodbye _Hamlet_? Farewell _Macbeth_?
Toodle-pip _King Lear_?
LISTER: Have you ever read any of it?
RIMMER: I’ve seen _West Side Story_. That’s based on one of them.
LISTER: Yeah, but have you actually read any?
RIMMER: Not all the way through, no. I can quote some, though.
LISTER: Go on, then.
RIMMER: (Declaims grandly) “Now…” (Long pause.) That’s all I can
remember.
LISTER: Where’s that from, then?
RIMMER: _Richard III_, you moron. The speech that he does at the
beginning. (Declaims) “Now…” something something something. It’s
brilliant writing. It really is. Unforgettable.
LISTER: OK, I’ll save it till last. (Holds up another.) _Lolita_. Is it
OK if I burn _Lolita_?
RIMMER: Save page sixty-one.

LISTER opens it and finds page sixty-one. RIMMER leans over his
shoulder.

RIMMER: That bit.
LISTER: That’s disgusting.

He rips out page sixty-one, folds it into his pocket and throws the rest
of the book on the fire.

14 Model shot.

Starbug in blizzard. Mix to:

15 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

Works of Shakespeare burning merrily on the fire. LISTER is at the
table. He picks up the dog food can, spoons out a generous lump of dog
food jelly, so it wobbles on his fork. RIMMER is watching him, appalled.

LISTER: And you can take that look off your face: like I’m doing
something disgusting. I’m just trying to stay alive.
RIMMER: You’re going to eat the dog food.
LISTER: I haven’t eaten for six days. Yes, I’m going to eat the dog
food.
RIMMER: I’m sure the dog food will be lovely.
LISTER: This isn’t dog food. It’s a piece of prime fillet steak in blue
cheese sauce. It’s been charcoal broiled in garlic butter. Mmmmm.
Just smell that. It’s delicious. Delicious.

He pops it into his mouth and swallows it.

LISTER: Well, now I know why dogs lick their testicles — it’s to take
away the taste of their food.
RIMMER: The stove’s getting low. Better throw another book on.
LISTER: That’s the last one.
RIMMER: You’ve burnt all of them?
LISTER: When we get through to Act Five of _Henry VIII_, I’m a dead man.
RIMMER: There must be something else to burn.

They both look around. At the same time, their eyes stop on the trunk.

RIMMER: No. It’s Javanese camphor wood. It’s priceless.
LISTER: There’s nothing else left to burn except the trunk and what’s in
the trunk.
RIMMER: Now wait a minute. Not Napoleon’s Armee du Nord!
LISTER: Rimmer, get real, man. If it burns, we burn it. What’s the
least valuable?
RIMMER: Not the trunk. My father gave me that trunk.
LISTER: The soldiers, then.
RIMMER: They’re ninteenth-century. They’re irreplacable. They were
hand-carved by the legendary Dubois brothers.
LISTER: Well, then?

LISTER brings out two huge wads of notes. RIMMER slightly glassy-eyed.

16 Model shot.

Starbug in blizzard.

17 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

Shot: the stove. Money is burning. Another wad lands on top of it.

RIMMER: How much has gone so far?
LISTER: Five thousand eight hundred.
RIMMER: Five thousand eight hundred!

LISTER throws on another wad.

LISTER: Six grand.
RIMMER: The whole twenty-four grand isn’t going to last an hour, is it?
(Nearly in tears) It took me ten years to save it. Ten years!
LISTER: I’d better start unpacking the soldiers.
RIMMER: No. There must be something else to burn. There must be.
LISTER: There isn’t. I looked. Listen, I know it’s a bummer. I know it
must be heartbreaking. But it’s only _stuff_. It’s just possessions.
In the end, they’re not important. They might go a bundle for some
swanky Islington antique shop — but right here, and right now, all
they are is nicely painted firewood.

LISTER throws on some more money.

RIMMER: This isn’t happening. It’s a nightmare.
LISTER: You’ve got to get your priorities right. It’s like those people
you read about who run back into a burning house to rescue some
treasured piece of furniture and wind up burning to death. Nothing is
more important than a human life…

RIMMER is looking in the corner of the room.

RIMMER: What about your guitar?
LISTER: … Except my guitar.
RIMMER: Why didn’t we think of it before? We can burn your guitar.
LISTER: Not my _guitar_, Rimmer.
RIMMER: It’s made of wood.
LISTER: Yeah, but it’s my guitar. I’ve had it since I was sixteen. It’s
an authentic Les Paul copy.
RIMMER: But it’s not worth anything. It’s just a thing. It’s just a
possession.
LISTER: Yeah, but it’s mine.
RIMMER: How is it any different from my soldiers?
LISTER: It’s my life-line. I … I need that guitar. When it gets to me
— I mean the loneliness — when it gets on top of me … it’s the only
way I can escape. I mean, I know I’m not exactly a wizard on it, and
it’s only got five strings, and three of them are G, but the whole of
my life I’ve never had anything to hang on to — no roots, no parents,
no education…
RIMMER: No education?
LISTER: I went to art college. All I’ve ever had is that guitar. It’s
the only thing in the whole of my miserable smegging life that hasn’t
walked out on me. Don’t make me burn it.
RIMMER: (Quietly) We’ve got to.

LISTER hangs his head.

LISTER: (Pause.) Look. this is going to sound pretty stupid … but I’d
just like to play one more song on it. One for the road.
RIMMER: Sure, sure. I mean — I’m not enjoying this.
LISTER: I know. I, uh … thanks, man.

LISTER picks up the guitar, and walks off to a fairly dim corner. He
strums a chord. RIMMER is looking at the floor, slightly embarrased. In
his most feeble, plaintive voice, LISTER begins to sing:

LISTER: (Singing) “She’s Out Of My Life … She’s Out Of My Life.”
(Spoken) My step-dad taught me this one. First song I ever learned to
play. (Singing) “And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…”

RIMMER gets up, embarrased.

RIMMER: I, uh, just, uh… (points to the door.)

He walks up to the door.

18 Ext. Crashed Starbug. Blizzard.

RIMMER walks into the howling blizzard.

19 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

LISTER puts down the guitar and nips over to the door to check RIMMER’s
gone. Carrying the guitar, LISTER nips over to the trunk, puts the
guitar against the trunk, takes a pencil out of hit top pocket and starts
tracing the guitar shape on the back of the tunk. He picks up a hacksaw.

20 Ext. Crashed Starbug. Blizzard.

RIMMER looks at his watch, then back at the ship.

21 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

By now, LISTER has removed a complete guitar shape out of the back of
RIMMER’s trunk. He pushes the trunk back against the wall, slips his
guitar inside the green locker on the far wall, then crosses to the
stove, and breaks the guitar-shaped piece of wood over his knee.

22 Ext. Crashed Starbug. Blizzard.

RIMMER walking up to the door.

23 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

The door opens and RIMMER comes in. LISTER is sitting at the stove,
guitar-shaped pieces of wood burning merrily away.

RIMMER: I don’t know what to say.
LISTER: Nothing _to_ say.
RIMMER: You’ve made a supreme sacrifice. You know that? A _supreme_
sacrifice.
LISTER: Had to be done.
RIMMER: I’ve been judging a book by it’s cover, haven’t I? All these
years, that’s what I’ve been doing. But when it comes down to it,
you’re one heck of a regular guy.
LISTER: (Grunts.)
RIMMER: There’s no point in being modest. I know what that guitar meant
to you. The same as that trunk meant to me. If that trunk got so much
as scratched, I’d be devastated. It’s not the outward value — for me,
that trunk is a link to the past. A link to the father I never managed
to square things with…
LISTER: (Slightly panicky) Is it?
RIMMER: It’s the only thing he ever gave me, apart from … apart from
his disappointment.

LISTER covers his face.

RIMMER: But you’ve shown me, by burning your guitar, what true value is.
LISTER: (Low moan.)
RIMMER: Decency. Self-sacrifice. Those are the things that make up real
wealth. And from where I’m standing … I’m a pretty rich man.
LISTER: Oh, god.
RIMMER: Burn the soldiers.
LISTER: No. Not the soldiers too.
RIMMER: You burnt your guitar. I wish to make a sacrifice, too. Burn
the Armee du Nord. Cast them into the flames: let them lay down their
lives for the sake of friendship. (Sniffs the air.) What’s that smell?
LISTER: What smell? I can’t smell any smell.
RIMMER: (Sniffs) Camphor.
LISTER: Oh, god.
RIMMER: Your guitar was made of camphor wood! It was probably worth a
fortune. Burn the soldiers — burn them right now.

24 Ext. Blizzard.

We see two torches in the distance, coming towards us. Over, we hear:

KRYTEN: I can’t go on.
CAT: You’ve got to go on, buddy. We’re nearly there.
KRYTEN: I’ve no strength.
CAT: Come on, you can make it.

They come into view. KRYTEN is pulling the heavily laden sleigh, with
the CAT sitting on it. CAT whips the air.

CAT: Look — there they are. Mush! Mush!

25 Int. Starbug rear. Day.

The soldiers are burning away. RIMMER is peering into the stove. After
a while he starts quietly imitatating a trumpet, playing the “last post.”
Finally, he finishes.

RIMMER: Au revoir, mes amis. A bientot.
LISTER: Look — there’s something I’ve got to tell you … something
awful.
RIMMER: If it’s about how you finished off the dog food, I understand.
LISTER: No, it’s not about that.

The door opens, and KRYTEN and CAT enter.

CAT: Hey, hey, hey!
LISTER: Cat! Kryten! You made it — you found us!
RIMMER: So where have you been the last six days?
KRYTEN: We rendezvoused with Holly. Then, after two days, when you still
hadn’t turned up, I said we should go and look for you.
CAT: We have been everywhere. Fourteen moons, two planets. I’ve been so
worried – I haven’t buffed my shoes in two days.
RIMMER: So — Holly managed to navigate her way through the five Black
Holes?

HOLLY appears on KRYTEN’s chest moniter.

HOLLY: As it transpired, there weren’t any Black Holes.
RIMMER: But you saw them — you saw them on the monitor.
HOLLY: They weren’t Black Holes.
RIMMER: What were they?
HOLLY: Grit. Five specks of grit on the scanner-scope. See, the thing
about grit is, it’s black, and the thing about scanner-scopes…
RIMMER: Oh, shut up.
LISTER: (Sighs.) Come on. Let’s go.

LISTER and CAT go out.

RIMMER: Something happened here, Kryten. Something that made us closer.
I saw a side of Dave Lister that I didn’t even know existed. He’s not
just an irresponsible, selfish drifter, out for number one … He’s a
Man of Honour.

LISTER comes back in. Looking at the floor, he crosses to the locker.

LISTER: Excuse me.

He opens the locker, takes out his guitar and exits. RIMMER looks at the
door, then at the fire, then, slowly, he turns to his trunk.

RIMMER: Open the trunk.

KRYTEN goes to open the trunk. We shoot through the guitar-shaped hole
at the back of the trunk as the trunk opens, and RIMMER peers in. No
expression. Without looking up:

RIMMER: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?
KRYTEN: Where are we going?
RIMMER: We’re going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to
me.

The End

‘Backwards’ was the first Red Dwarf episode of the third series. It’s notable for many things, including that great Star Wars scroll at the beginning!

RED DWARF Series III Episode 1, “Backwards”

1 Ext. Space.

Opening Star-Wars type scroll over a field of stars:

Red Dwarf III

The Saga Continues

The Story So Far…

Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being
alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a
parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the boys were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly accelerated growth rates and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you’ve been born in a parallel universe and your father’s a woman and your mother’s a man and you’re eighteen years
old three days after your birth. Shortly afterward, Kryten, the service mechanoid, who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crashed into an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the ‘noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he’d once fallen madly in love.

The saga continuums…

Red Dwarf III

The Same Generation

-nearly-

2 Int. Sleeping quarters.

CAT and LISTER are lying on bunks in a darkened room, watching
television.

LISTER: Cat?
CAT: Mmm?
LISTER: Ya ever see the Flintstones?
CAT: Sure!
LISTER: D’ya think Wilma’s sexy?
CAT: Wilma Flintstone?

LISTER: Maybe we’ve been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that sharmi <?> body, it drives me crazy. Is it me?
CAT: Well, I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most
desirable woman who ever lived.
LISTER: That’s good. I thought I was goin’ strange.
CAT: She’s incredible!
LISTER: What d’ya think of Betty?
CAT: Betty Rubble? (Pause) Well, I would go with Betty… but I’d be
thinking of Wilma.
LISTER: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
CAT: You’re right. We’re nuts. This is an insane conversation.
LISTER: She’ll never leave Fred, and we know it.

CAT shakes his head in resignation.

3 Int. Cargo bay.

KRYTEN is in front of the Starbug 1, making odd gestures in the air — he is pretending to drive. RIMMER walks up, wearing a dark green uniform and a flat-topped cap with an antenna sticking up over one ear.

RIMMER: Holly, clipboard and pen, please. (They appear in his hands.)
RIMMER: Well, Krytie, today’s the day!
KRYTEN: But sir, I’m just not ready! Six weeks — it’s just not long
enough! (RIMMER looks at his watch.)
RIMMER: Ten-thirty. Name?
KRYTEN: You know my name!
RIMMER: Look, if this comes off it’ll be a whole new lease of life for
both of us. We’ll be independent! But we’ve got to do it by the book.
KRYTEN: It’s just that when you go into “official mode,” my anxiety chip goes into overdrive!
RIMMER: Name?
KRYTEN: (Stuttering) K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-….
RIMMER: I’ll just put “Kryten.” (Pointing) Can you see that space
vehicle?
KRYTEN: (Ignoring the one right in front of him) Where? Oh, that one.
Yes, sir!
RIMMER: And can you read the registration for me please?
KRYTEN: Starbug 1?
RIMMER: Right, if you’d like to show me to your vehicle, please?

4 Int. Starbug cockpit section.

RIMMER and KRYTEN are seated inside Starbug the cockpit.

RIMMER: Right, in your own time, if you’d like to start the space
vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors, and off into outer space.

KRYTEN flips several switches. The windshield wipers come on for a
second, which RIMMER ignores.

RIMMER: Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet.
Once there I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet’s orbit, remembering of course at all times to pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time.

KRYTEN taps a few buttons and pulls a lever. RIMMER is ejected through the roof and outside the ship.

KRYTEN waits nervously inside Starbug. RIMMER returns, and calmly sits back down.

RIMMER: In your own time.
KRYTEN: I’ve failed, haven’t I?
RIMMER: Just proceed.
KRYTEN: You’re going to hold it against me, aren’t you? That one
mistake.
RIMMER: Please. (Motions him to go on.)
KRYTEN: Antigrav: check. Retro: check. Boosters: check. And very
gently ease forward…

KRYTEN pulls a lever and they shoot out of the cargo bay doors, hitting one on the way.

KRYTEN: I think there’s something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is,
I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I’m not used to the controls in
Starbug 1.
RIMMER: They’re exactly the same.
KRYTEN: Yes. That’s the problem.

Starbug fires rockets and turns a corner with a squealing tire sound.

RIMMER: Next, I’d like you to transfer to autopilot while we conduct the recognition…

KRYTEN pulls a lever which makes a horrible gear-grinding noise.

RIMMER: …tests.
KRYTEN: Engage autopilot.
HOLLY: (Appearing on a wall monitor) Autopilot engaged. Well, I say
“autopilot,” but it’s not really autopilot, is it? It’s me. It’s
Muggins ‘ere who has to do it.

RIMMER shows KRYTEN a booklet with a picture of a blue rectangle with two
white arrows pointing up and one pointing down.

RIMMER: Right, what’s that one?
KRYTEN: Heavy traffic, keep to your assigned space lanes.

RIMMER flips the page to a black drawing on a white backgroud of a naked, faceless woman dancing.

RIMMER: And that one?
KRYTEN: Danger! Space mirages ahead!
RIMMER: Stopping distances. You’re traveling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance?
KRYTEN: Four years, three months.
RIMMER: And the thinking time?
KRYTEN: A fortnight.
RIMMER: Space Phenomena. (Pointing in the book) What’s that?
KRYTEN: A pulsar!
RIMMER: And that one?
KRYTEN: A binary star!
RIMMER: What’s that one?
HOLLY: (Looking out the window) A Time Hole!
RIMMER: Don’t help him!
KRYTEN: (Also looking out the window) It’s a Time Hole!
RIMMER: No, it isn’t! It’s nothing like a Time Hole!
HOLLY: IT’S A TIME HOLE!
KRYTEN: IT IS! IT’S A TIME HOLE!
RIMMER: A Time Hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. Whereas _that_ (Pointing in the book) is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! _That_ (Pointing out the window) is a Time Hole! Right, what’s this?

RIMMER finally realizes what is happening.

5 Ext. Model shot.

The Starbug is sucked into the Time Hole, a special effect obviously
created by filming stirred water with orange glitter in it.

6 Ext. Model shot.

Starbug crashes into a pond on a planet that looks suspiciously like the Earth.

KRYTEN: I suppose you’re going to fail me for this.

RIMMER and KRYTEN get in a boat and go to the shore of the pond.

KRYTEN: What is this place?
RIMMER: HOLLY? Is it possible? Could this be Earth?
HOLLY: (Appearing in the round screen in KRYTEN’s stomach) Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly 1 g.
RIMMER: What’s the time period?
HOLLY: Well, it’s difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all
the available data, I would estimate it’s round about … lunchtime,
maybe half-one.
RIMMER: What period in HISTORY, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill?
Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug
McClure? What is the year?
HOLLY: Well, I’d need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.
RIMMER: Like?
HOLLY: Well, this year’s calendar’d be ‘andy!

7 Ext. A field.

RIMMER is walking through a field, while KRYTEN looks at a large tree.

KRYTEN: I’ve never been to Earth before. I’ve only seen it on
photographs. It’s exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter.

RIMMER shakes his head, and continues walking.

8 Ext. Roadsize marker.

They pause at a stone mile-marker by the side of a road. There is a
cardboard box lying in the middle of the road.

RIMMER: (Reading the marker) “Nodnol? 871 selim?” Nodnol? Where’s Nodnol?
KRYTEN: It’s London, 178 miles. It’s backwards.
RIMMER: Shh — a truck.
KRYTEN: It’s probably going to hit that box.

RIMMER stands beside the road with his thumb out, his back to the truck, which is approaching backwards. The box lying spins around and lifts itself into the open back of the truck.

RIMMER: There’s a perfectly rational explanation for all of this.
TRUCK DRIVER: (In backwards speech) Tifl a tnaw uoy fi nwot otni gniog m’i.
RIMMER: Then again, possibly not.

9 Ext. London street.

Shots of traffic in London, running backwards. We hear the conversations inside the van.

RIMMER: (VO) HOLLY, what the smeg is going on?
KRYTEN: (VO) We’re going backwards.
HOLLY: (VO) It’s perfectly consistent with current theory. Everything starts with a Big Bang, right? And the universe starts expanding.
Eventually, when it’s expanded as far as it can, there’s a big crunch,
right? And everything starts contracting. Perfectly possible that
time starts running in the opposite direction, as well.

During this last speech, shots of RIMMER and KRYTEN walking forwards in a crowd walking backwards, change leaping into people’s hands from a busker’s guitar case, a man sucking smoke from the air and putting it back into a cigarette, waist-down shot of a couple walking backwards.

RIMMER: (VO) So, is this Earth?
HOLLY: (VO) Oh, it’s Earth all right, only Earth where time’s going
backwards.

10 Ext. Cafe table.

RIMMER is sitting alone at a table in a cafe, attempting to cover his “H” with his forelock. He glances over his shoulder at a woman at the next table. A waitress comes up to the woman’s table and gives her some dirty dishes. The waitress and the woman say a few lines in backwards speech to each other, and the woman says something to RIMMER. RIMMER waves at the woman, who is now chewing a very large mouthful of food. Tea starts to stream up the woman’s chin towards her mouth. She lifts the cup to her mouth and fills the entire cup at one go.The half-eaten end of an eclair jumps from the plate into her hand, and she replaces the rest of it out of her mouth in two huge bites. She puts the eclair back on the plate and stirs her tea. A spoonful of sugar comes out of the tea and the woman replaces it in the sugar bowl.

WOMAN: (To RIMMER) Suoiciled erew eseht.
RIMMER: (To WOMAN) Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb.

KRYTEN enters carrying a newspaper and wearing a long, hooded black cape and a Ronald Reagan rubber mask.

RIMMER: What are you doing!?
KRYTEN: (Muffled through his mask) Well, you said look inconspicuous.
RIMMER: Don’t be idiotic!!!
KRYTEN: (Removing the mask) But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
RIMMER: Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out!

A waitress comes and empties a box of rubbish onto the table.

WAITRESS: Won si ti ereh.
KRYTEN: I got a newspaper.

KRYTEN holds up the newspaper. The headline reads “DIAR KNAB NI EFIL OT
THGUORB EERHT.” The paper’s name is “Yadretsey.”

RIMMER: What’s the year? (Reading from the paper) 3991?
KRYTEN: No, it’s 1993 — it’s backwards. I’ll switch to reverse mode.
(Reading from the paper) “Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawed-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept 10,000 pounds, which he demanded they place in the bank’s vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a fifteen year prison sentence for the crime two years ago.”

The waitress returns and places a plate of half eaten food in front of
KRYTEN.

RIMMER: What does that say?
KRYTEN: Oh, it’s an advert. “Roll-off deodorant. Keeps you wet and
smelly for up to 24 hours.” What are we going to do? This place is
totally crazy!
RIMMER: There’s nothing we CAN do until the others find us. We’d better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
KRYTEN: Here’s the jobs page. This looks interesting. “Wanted:
Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects — right
candidate could go straight to the bottom!”
RIMMER: Something a bit more low-key.
KRYTEN: Uh… “Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier?”
RIMMER: Anything else?
KRYTEN: Ah, this looks interesting: “Theatrical agent requires novelty acts.”
RIMMER: What do we do that’s a novelty?
KRYTEN: In this world, everything!

11 Int. Starbug 2 cockpit section.

LISTER and CAT are out searching for RIMMER and KRYTEN.

CAT: Three weeks we been doin’ this.
LISTER: Well, we’ll do it ’til we find them.
CAT: (Somberly) We ain’t gonna find ’em. They’re gone, buddy. But look on the bright side… (Elatedly) They’re GONE, buddy!
LISTER: Don’t you care about anyone but yourself?
CAT: Hell no! I don’t even care about you. The way I see it, if
Goalpost-head and Freak-face want to get themselves lost, that’s their bag! I don’t see why it should cut into my preening time. You realizewith all this rescue stuff I haven’t permed my leg hairs in a week?
I’m a wreck!
LISTER: You PERM your leg hairs?
CAT: Only as an aid to the natural curl.

LISTER sees something out the window.

LISTER: Fasten your belt.
CAT: Hey, I do NOT need fashion tips from YOU.
LISTER: SAFETY belt! (Points out the window) Look!
CAT: Is that what I think it is?
LISTER: What d’you think it is?
CAT: An orange whirly thing in space!
LISTER: It’s a time hole. That’s where they are. We’re goin’ in.
CAT: Are you crazy? You can’t go in there!
LISTER: Why not?
CAT: Orange?! With this suit?!

12 Ext. Model shot.

Starbug coasts through the time-hole.

13 Ext. Backwards Earth.

CAT: Where are we?
LISTER: I don’t believe this. According to the NaviComp — this is
Earth! Engage cloak. I’m takin’ her down.

14 Ext. A clearing.

The now-invisible Starbug lands in a field. LISTER steps through the
door and appears to be standing in midair about ten feet up. CAT also exits and stands behind LISTER in the invisible staircase.

CAT: Wha’d you do that for?
LISTER: Well, we don’t want to spook the natives.
CAT: (Bangs on Starbug.) Hey! (Notices LISTER wincing and feeling inside his jacket.) What’s the matter?
LISTER: I dunno, I think me ribs are cracked. And me back! Is my eye
bruised?
CAT: (Looks.) Yeah, it is!

LISTER pulls a canteen looking thingie from his pocket.

CAT: What’s that?
LISTER: It’s a homin’ device — it’ll find their flight recorder.

LISTER taps it to get it to work. It beeps a little. He points in the
direction it indicates.

LISTER: Yonder.

CAT heads off in that direction.

LISTER: (To himself) I’m home.

15 Ext. Beside the pond.

CAT is standing by a pond — the same pond KRYTEN and RIMMER crashed in.
LISTER’s head comes up from the water in the middle of the pond, still wearing his cap.

CAT: (Shouting) You find anything?
LISTER: Well, the ‘Bug’s there, but they’re not.

LISTER wades up to shore, still clad in his leather jacket.

CAT: You’re dry!

A befuddled LISTER examines his clothes.

LISTER: That’s weird!
CAT: Let’s take a look around. Maybe they left us a clue or something.

16 Ext. At a poster board.

We see many posters of the “Srehtorb Esrever Lanoitasnes Eht” — RIMMER’s
and KRYTEN’s faces, wearing goofy grins and silly bowlers. LISTER and
CAT appear, walking side by side, examining a poster they have taken down.

CAT: What’s this?
LISTER: I dunno, but they must have left this to tell us where they’ll
be.
CAT: What’s it say?
LISTER: I dunno, it’s in some weird foreign language or somethin’.
“Srehtorb” — that must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin’.
CAT: You speak Bulgarian?
LISTER: Bulgarian? Please, I hardly speak English.

17 Ext. Roadside marker.

CAT and LISTER come upon the same mile-marker RIMMER and KRYTEN got
picked up at. CAT points to the marker.

CAT: What’s this?
LISTER: Nodnol? Hang on, wait a minute! Nodnol! Nod. Nol. It’s in
Bulgaria, isn’t it!
CAT: Are you sure?
LISTER: Geography was my number one subject at school. Nodnol, Bulgaria– rich in animal produce and mineral wealth, just south of Bosnia.
CAT: What’s the selim?
LISTER: Well, that’s obviously Bulgarian for kilometers, isn’t it?
CAT: (Sincerely) You’re so smart, I’m glad I came with you!
LISTER: Well, we are the smart party!

They head off down the road, doing a weird little rap & dance — with CAT as the beatbox.

LISTER: (Rapping) “I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble, I just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle.”
CAT: (Singing) He’s smart!
LISTER: (Speaking normally now) Let’s find some transport.

18 Ext. A road-side picnic.

A young couple on a picnic are taking a nap. LISTER and CAT steal their tandem bike.

LISTER: (Whispering) Let’s go! Go! C’mon!

The man wakes up and notices them.

PICNIC MAN: Mednat ruo s’taht, sdratsab gnibbor uoy, io! Yeh! Io!

A caption under the man reads, “You scoundrels! Return my bike
immediately!”

CAT: Bye, suckers! You lost your bike!
LISTER: Start pedaling, man, start pedaling!

LISTER and CAT get on the bike and start pedaling — but the bike goes backwards.

CAT: What’s happening here? Get this thing in forward gear!
LISTER: It IS in forward gear!

They pass right by the couple they stole the bike from. They pedal down the road a ways, looking over their shoulders. Eventually they come upon a white van parked by the side of the road.

CAT: Stop! Stop!

They stop and get off.

CAT: No more! I’m not moving another yard on this thing! I’m gettin’ a part in the back of my head!
LISTER: It’s these cheap Bulgarian bikes! You probably have to queue up for a year to get this piece of crap! You probably have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards!

The driver of the van returns from the bushes.

LISTER: Yo, matey! Excuse me! Excuse me!
VAN DRIVER: Nodrap?

LISTER: No, I don’t speak any Bulgarian. You speak English?
VAN DRIVER: Snairaglub uoy era — Hsilgne M’i, Yrros?

Caption: Sorry, I’m English — are you Bulgarians?

LISTER: We’re lookin’ for our freind…erm… friendski?
CAT: Our budski? Palski?
LISTER: This addresski hereski? Can you erm… drop us offski?
VAN DRIVER: Ni poh. Bup siht wonk I, Sey.

Caption: Yes, I know this pub. Hop in.

LISTER: Rock ‘n’ Roll!!
CAT: Thankski verski muchski, budski!

CAT and LISTER get in the back of the van, forwards. The driver gets in the front, backwards.

CAT: (Inside the van) Hey, hey, hey, we’re movin’ in the right direction
now!

The van drives off, backwards.

19 Int. The pub.

We hear a dog barking backwards and see the exterior shot of a street at night. Cut to CAT and LISTER walking down a dingy staircase to a pub.
They see a poster of RIMMER and KRYTEN.

LISTER: This is the place. Ay, me back — it’s like it’s been cut to
ribbons!
CAT: Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.

Inside the pub now, we see an unattractive man in a shiny lime green suit on a small stage. He gives a little backwards speech (which is
accurately captioned):

Caption: Take your hands apart and give a big, warm goodbye to the
Sensational Reverse Brothers!

There is a lot of backwards clapping. LISTER and CAT come in and stand in the back at the bar. KRYTEN and RIMMER shuffle on stage, doffing their hats (like vaudeville acts used to do). They are both wearing the same ridiculous get-up: shiny pink and black pinstriped pants, pink sequined jackets with shiny black lapels, frilly pink shirts, pink bow ties, and hot pink bowler hats. RIMMER puts on an odd voice, unusually nasal and with more h’s than are strictly called for.

RIMMER: Ladies and gentlemen: alii-yoh, alli-yoh, alli-yoh!

Presumably, “alli-yoh” is hello backwards.

RIMMER: Welcome to the show!

The crowd, seated at tables in the pub, laughs uproariously.

LISTER: (To CAT) “Welcome to the show?” What’s the joke?
RIMMER: For our first trick tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my partner
KRYTEN will attempt to eat hay boiled egg … forwards!

The crowd gasps in amazement. KRYTEN eats a bite of a boiled egg. The crowd gets a big kick out of it.

CAT: This is entertainment to these people? It’s pathetic!
LISTER: They’re Bulgarian — they have very simple tastes.

KRYTEN throws something to a man in the crowd, who catches it. The man is utterly amazed.

CAT: I have it: it’s a moron convention! Check the coatroom — if there are twenty jackets, all white, with arms that tie behind the neck, you know I’m right!
RIMMER: Hand what better way to round off a meal, ladies and gentlemen, than by drinking a glass of water! KRYTEN!
LISTER: (Sarcastically) Woah, stick around! They’re building up to a big climax!

KRYTEN drinks a glass of water and holds it upside down. The crowd
claps.

RIMMER: We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers, ladies and gentlemen, we shall see you last night!

RIMMER and KRYTEN do the same little shuffle dance off-stage.

LISTER: (To CAT) Let’s get a drink and go backstage. (To barmaid) Hello?
Excuse me? Can I have two pints of bitter, please?

The barmaid doesn’t understand.

LISTER: Bitter, two pints!

LISTER holds up two fingers.

CAT: She can’t understand you, bud, you’re wasting your time.
LISTER: (To a MAN sitting at the bar) Yo, matey, what’s that you’re
drinkin’ there? (He mimes drinking with a beer mug.) Yo, drinkski?
Beerski?
MAN: Rettib.

It sounds like “Erskib.” The caption reads: Bitter.

LISTER: Ah, Erskib! Two pints of erskib, please.
BARMAID: Erskib?
LISTER: Two. (He holds up two fingers.)

The barmaid turns away to prepare their order.

LISTER: Was that difficult? No, we’re the smart party!

He and CAT do a self-congratulatory hand thing. The barmaid hands them two empty mugs and presses some change into LISTER’s hand. The confused LISTER and CAT look around to try and figure out what is going on. The see the man they just spoke to fill his mug with beer from his mouth.

He tells the barmaid “Same again” (according to the caption) She takes the
full mug away and uses the tap to suck the beer out of the mug. She then gives the man back the empty mug. Realization finally dawns on LISTER.

LISTER: This isn’t Bulgaria! Look at that menu — Unem! It’s English,
but backwards — everything’s backwards!
CAT: Everything’s backwards?
LISTER: Yeah!
CAT: (Thinks about it a bit.) Right!
LISTER: Well, you know what they say — when in Rome, do as the Snamor do! Up the hatch!
CAT: Booties down!

CAT and LISTER fill up their mugs at one go — with rather a lot of it
streaming up LISTER’s chin rather than coming from his mouth.

20 Int. Dressing room.

CAT and LISTER are sitting with RIMMER and KRYTEN in their dressing room backstage. RIMMER and KRYTEN have changed out of their ridiculous pink stage costumes — Rimmer is wearing a pretentious-looking smoking jacket and ascot, while KRYTEN is wearing a white terry-cloth bathrobe.

LISTER: What do you mean you don’t want to leave?
RIMMER: We’re happy here!
KRYTEN: We’ve found a niche!
RIMMER: We’re the “Sensational Reverse Brothers!” We’ve only been here three weeks and we’re a big hit!
LISTER: RIMMER, everything is backwards!
KRYTEN: We got used to it!
RIMMER: It’s true! Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense this way ’round. There’s no death here. You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life! As each year passes you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, ans so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole!
LISTER: RIMMER, you already are one glorious hole! You’ve totally
flipped, man.
KRYTEN: We want to stay!
LISTER: But we CAN’T stay! Look, I’m 25 now — in 10 years time I’ll be 15. I’ll have to go through puberty again! Backwards!
CAT: Imagine that! Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body, and the next thing you know you’re singing soprano in the school choir!
LISTER: And worse than that — in 25 years I’ll be a little sperm,
swimming around in somebody’s testicles! I mean, pardon me, but that’s just not how I saw my future!
RIMMER: I’m telling you, things are better this way. It’s our universe
that’s the wrong way round.

KRYTEN nods in agreement.

KRYTEN: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start — backwards!
CAT: And that’s a good thing?
KRYTEN: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich, and bog off back to Austria!
RIMMER: We’re smash hits here! We’d be crazy to leave.
LISTER: RIMMER, we don’t belong here! This place is crazy!
RIMMER: Crazy? Death, disease, famine — there’s none of that here.
KRYTEN: There’s no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!
LISTER: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It’s not all
good. Take someone like, say… St. Francis of Assissi. In this
universe, he’s the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus — what a bastard!
RIMMER: Eh?
LISTER: He’s the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid’s favorite toys!

The MANAGER of the pub (the same man who LISTER spoke to earlier at the bar, incidentally) comes in and starts yelling at RIMMER and KRYTEN.

MANAGER: Uoy ot Skcollob! You fo tol eht etah I. Ti enod evah dluoc ydobyna, yawyna. Parc s’tca rouy, ylknarf.
KRYTEN: What fight? We didn’t start any fight?
MANAGER: Tog s’eh efil das, roop a tahw!! Gniyas M’i taht hsibbur eht tuo krow yllautca dna, dnuor ti nurt, gnidrocer siht fo dloh teg ot
derehtob s’ohw yrtnuoc eht ni tarp eno eht gnisserdda M’i. Uoy
gnisserdda yllautca ton M’i tub. Uoy ta gnitniop M’i. Uoy ta gnitniop
t’nia I. Uoy t’nera, tig dlab, dedaeh-erauqs, diputs a era you?

The MANAGER exits, backwards. There is a knock on the door.

KRYTEN: We’re fired! Something about a fight!
LISTER: But you’ve been with us all night!
KRYTEN: He says we’ll never work the pub circuit again!
RIMMER: (Calling to the MANAGER) Oh, for smeg’s sake, be reasonable!

21 Int. Bar.

RIMMER and KRYTEN are arguing with the MANAGER in the front room of the bar. All of the patrons have gone and the place is in a shambles.Kryten and the MANAGER say some backwards gibberish.

RIMMER: Tell him about the contract thing! He can’t just sack us like
that!

More gibberish from the MANAGER and KRYTEN. The camera pulls out and we see LISTER and CAT seated nearby.

CAT: What’s all that about?
LISTER: RIMMER in a fight? That’s a laugh for a start.
CAT: So what’s the plan?
LISTER: I dunno. See what happens. If they don’t change their minds,
head back without them, I suppose. Ow, my back!

CAT and LISTER then proceed to uneat some very odd pie — Cat provides the cucumber slices, and LISTER spewing whole cherry tomatoes high into the air.

CAT: We just gotta get out of here — this universe is just too
disgusting!

A man approaches the table.

MAN: Sdratasb ydoolb uoy!
CAT: What’s the matter with him?
MAN: Eip gniddos ym deffocsnu ev’uoy!
LISTER: I think he’s a bit T’d off ‘cos we’ve just uneaten his pie.

LISTER gingerly fingers his bruised eye. RIMMER and LISTER walk up.

RIMMER: Unbeleivable! We didn’t start a fight!
LISTER: (To the man) Look, I’m sorry man, we were just–

LISTER is interrupted by the man punching him in the eye.

CAT: Are you alright?
LISTER: Me black eye! It’s gone! He just sucked it off me face with his fist!

The man punches LISTER in the side.

LISTER: And now he’s just uncracked me ribs!
RIMMER: (Out of the side of his mouth, to KRYTEN) We don’t want any trouble.
KRYTEN: No, you don’t understand! All this mess, all this debris! It’s
from the fight we got fired for! The fight we’re about to have!
RIMMER: (Scared out of his wits) ABOUT to have? I don’t want to be
involved in a barroom brawl!
LISTER: It’s not a barroom brawl, it’s a barroom tidy! (Shouts.)
Unrumble!

LISTER holds up a beer mug, and beer is sucked back into it from all over the man’s face.

People come running in, backwards. LISTER is unthrown across the bar, with glasses and bowls replacing themselves in his wake. CAT unsocks somebody with a chair, which reassembles into his hands. A man is unthrown into the shelves behind the bar, which reassemble themselves.
LISTER crawls backwards into a huddle of men sucking punches off of him.
One by one they back off, and LISTER jumps backwards over a table while yelling. RIMMER is observing all this from underneath a table.

RIMMER: (To LISTER) Where are you going, you coward?
LISTER: I’ve just worked out what happens to me back.

LISTER goes outside the pub. He is then unthrown through a large window by two men. They then unbreak a table using LISTER’s face. They set LISTER back on his feet. One of the men has a front tooth missing.

LISTER: Excuse me, have your tooth back.

LISTER unpunches the man in the mouth, and the tooth reappears. The bar patrons sit down, and their tables and beers right themselves in front of them. The bar is now full of people, and perfectly neat. RIMMER crawls out from underneath the table, and dusts off his green uniform.

RIMMER: Good one, gentlemen! Thanks for your support! Let’s go.

They all start to leave. Suddenly CAT stops LISTER.

CAT: I’ve forgotten something.

CAT walks over to a charity collection box on the bar and takes all the money.

BARMAID: Uoy knaht!
CAT: Well, what the hell! It’s for a good cause!

He and LISTER exit the pub.

22 Ext. A clearing.

The four get out of a cab near the spot where Starbug 2 has landed.

LISTER: How much is that, matey?

The driver hands him some pound notes.

LISTER: Oh aye, yeah.

LISTER turns to go, but the driver calls him back and gives him a coin —
the tip. LISTER walks away again.

LISTER: Tight git!

We see the KRYTEN, LISTER, and RIMMER going up the stairs to the invisible Starbug. KRYTEN enters, RIMMER and LISTER hang about on the stairs.

RIMMER: You know, it could have worked. It really could. Where’s the CAT?
LISTER: He won’t be long. He’s…you know… in the bushes.

LISTER and RIMMER wait for a bit. Suddenly, they both realize something awful and look at each other.

LISTER: We’ve got to stop him!!

CAT’s head pops up from behind some tall grass. He has a horrified look on his face, and his hair is sticking straight up. He walks out from the bushes and up the stairs with a very odd, stiff-legged gait. He stops in front of RIMMER and LISTER.

CAT: DON’T ASK!

The End

Credits:
Rimmer Chris Barrie
Lister Craig Charles
Cat Danny John-Jules
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Kryten Robert Llewellyn

With:
Waitress Maria Friedman
Compere Tony Hawks
Customer in Cafe Anna Palmer
Pub Manager Arthur Smith