Lister signs up for the Canaries thinking it’s an easy ticket – until he discovers that it’s a crack troop of misfits sent in on suicide missions!
RED DWARF – SERIES 8 – CASSANDRA
[– 1 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————-0:00–]
[Red Dwarf cruises through Deep Space]
[– 2 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————-0:06–]
[Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower
that houses blocks of cells]
[– 3 – Int. Cell —————————————————0:10–]
[Checking behind him for the presence of guards, LISTER calls up HOLLY’s image on the cell’s viewscreen then sits down at the cell’s table]
Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holl?
I have, actually, Dave. I’ve devoted all my runtime to looking for a
loophole in the prison regs, and I think I’ve come up with something that
means that you can serve your entire two year sentence in just fourteen weeks.
Oh brilliant, what’ve I got to do?
[– 4 – Viewscreen ————————————————–0:31–]
Become a dog.
[– 5 – Int. Cell —————————————————0:33–]
[– 6 – Viewscreen ————————————————–0:40–]
According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years.
[– 7 – Int. Cell —————————————————0:45–]
[LISTER listens with admirable patience]
[– 8 – Viewscreen ————————————————–0:46–]
As a plan you can’t fault it on it’s mathematics.
[– 9 – Int. Cell —————————————————0:49–]
No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I’m not a dog!
[– 10 – Viewscreen ————————————————-0:52–]
Yeah, but according to a twentieth century newspaper called the National Enquirer, the operation’s quite straightforward.
[– 11 – Int. Cell ————————————————–0:59–]
[LISTER can’t help but listen as HOLLY rambles on]
[– 12 – Viewscreen ————————————————-1:01–]
A ‘Roverostomy’ they call it.
[– 13 – Int. Cell ————————————————–1:04–]
[His head resting in one hand now, LISTER shakes his head sadly]
[– 14 – Viewscreen ————————————————-1:05–]
There’s a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.
[– 15 – Still photograph ——————————————-1:09–]
[A magazine page appears. On it is a full page picture of a large, white
dog, and across the top of the page is a huge banner that reads
“Exclusive”. In smaller text towards the bottom of the page is the lead-in:
“Man Becomes Dog”, and the line: “Fetching pictures and full story on page 8” is under that]
[– 16 – Int. Cell ————————————————–1:12–]
That’s a dog!
[– 17 – Viewscreen ————————————————-1:14–]
See how convincing it is? Even you’re fooled!
[– 18 – Int. Cell ————————————————–1:19–]
“Become a dog”? That is, without doubt, the stupidest, crappyest, most
pathetic plan you’ve come up with all week.
[– 19 – Viewscreen ————————————————-1:25–]
Give me a chance – it’s only Monday.
[– 20 – Int. Cell ————————————————–1:29–]
[LISTER presses his watch stud in exasperation and HOLLY’s image dissolves]
[RIMMER drops a hardhat on his bunk and stands with his hands on his hips,
What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends, I had everything and
I threw it all away. It’s a tragedy.
What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
You’re right, I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I
threw it all away. It’s an even bigger tragedy!
Look, we’re only gonna get through this by being positive, by being…
what’s that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so
important..? Begins with ‘C’…
‘Centred’. By being centred. Focussed. It’s only two years; what, with
good behaviour it’ll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you
were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn’t be whinging.
[The GUARD is carrying a metal briefcase, which he places on the table in front of LISTER]
Canary outfits and first meeting information.
I volunteered for the Canaries.
[LISTER picks up the case and carries it to his bunk where he begins
unpacking its contents]
Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.
Yeah, y’know, a bit of close-part harmony, and you should see the list of privileges you get; unbelievable.
You don’t know what the Canaries are, do you?
Of course I do: a singing group, acappella…
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that’s why I’ll always be
[LISTER catches RIMMER’s amused expression and begins to realise the implications]
They’re nothing to do with singing, are they?
[RIMMER shakes his head, solemly]
Holly lied to me, didn’t he?
Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.
Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy!
Well go on then, what’ve I signed up for?
In the nineteenth century, when miners went down a pit, they’d lower a canary down first in a little cage –
What, and make them do some mining? They were sick in the nineteenth century, weren’t they, eh? I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?
– And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the
Complained to the foreman?
It died, Listy. The canary’s job was to go into the most dangerous,
unpleasant and smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they’d know if it was safe to send in the important people.
Oh, I’m gonna kill him!
How come you’ve never heard of the Canaries? They’ve got recruitment
posters all over the men’s bogs! How come you’ve not seen them?
When I’m in the men’s toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look
around, y’know what I’m saying? It’s like playing golf: I concentrate on my
grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
“The Canaries”… You know what they say it’s supposed to stand for?
“Convicts Army Nearly All Retarded In-bred Evil Sheep shaggers”! They
haven’t got an X chromosome to share between them!
It gets worse as well.
[RIMMER laughs, loving LISTER’s predicament]
Worse! Go on.
I’ve signed you up, too.
[RIMMER’s grin crumbles, landing in two piles of shock and outrage]
I forged your signature, I thought I was doing you a favour.
I’ve signed us all up. Kryten, Kris, everyone!
No way! No way! No way am I becoming a Canary!
[– 21 – Int. Chamber ——————————————Raz–5:15–]
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN, WARDEN KNOT, the Canaries, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[The GOVENOR and the CAPTAIN stand together on a balcony overlooking the
Canaries. All of the Canaries are dressed in their regulation outfits: dark
heavy-duty combat suit, heavy boots and gloves, with a close-fitting bright
yellow bib and padded yellow jacket that has the individual’s name. KRYTEN
has obviously been allowed concessions due to his unwieldy bodyshell, and
simply wears the personalised jacket. RIMMER has taken the new uniform to
heart and wears a thick, grey quilted coat over his jacket, which has a
large Canaries patch emblazoned on the left breast]
It’s a great honour for floor thirteen, for today we are visited by
Captain Hollister, who has a special assignment.
At last, some action! I’ve been going mental all this time, cooped up, not
killing nothing. Yes!
Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk!
Okay, listen up. We’ve located a ship, the SSS Silverburg, buried at the
bottom of an ocean moon. A remote probe has come back with no signs of a
crew, no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip. We want you guys to go on board
and, ah, find out why.
[Suddenly RIMMER steps out of line and turns back to face the Dwarfers]
A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four:
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life, ooo-ooh, that’s why I’ll always be
[GOVENOR ACKERMAN scrambles down a metal staircase connecting the balcony
and the floor of the chamber]
Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered into the wrong hobby group, we’ll leave immediately.
[RIMMER hisses urgently to the others:]
[ACKERMAN catches RIMMER, stopping him and the Dwarfers in their tracks.
He leans in close to RIMMER and hisses menacingly]
Rimmer! You’re here, and this is where you’ll stay, now get on with it.
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
[ACKERMAN hurries back up the staircase and smiles apologetically at
You heard what the warden said, he wants us to get on with it. From the top!
KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT
/You are the sunshine of my life/ –
[ACKERMAN quails under the CAPTAIN’s obvious disapproval and bounds down to RIMMER once again]
Sorry, sir, when you said get on with it I thought you meant –
Shut up! You’re a Canary, man! A member of the toughest convict army this
side of Pluto. I’ve seen custard factories that aren’t as yellow as you are!
Start behaving like a man.
A man, sir, yes, of course, sir, a man… a man. Perhaps if you could
remind me, sir, it will all come back?
[WARDEN KNOT leans in from off screen, and appears to reach out and grab
something in front of RIMMER, just off the bottom of shot. Judging from
RIMMER’s agonised wince, and KNOT’s intense frown and the cracking of his
joints, something extremely sensitive is being gripped extremely hard.
After several awkward moments, KNOT lets go, RIMMER hobbles delicately
back into line and ACKERMAN scurries back up to the balcony]
It’s inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew, so
whatever devoured the crew, bones and all, might still be there, so… be careful.
[The Canaries turn and begin shuffling out]
Let’s go kill something!! *YESSSSS*!!
[A few of the Canaries spare KILL CRAZY a glance as he shrieks his approval
before continuing on their way. Staring eagerly up at the CAPTAIN and the
GOVENOR, it takes a few moments before KILL CRAZY realises he has been
left behind. Deflated, he heads off after his fellow Canaries]
[– 22 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————7:32–]
[A small sub descends through murky waters, triple floodlights doing little
to light its progress]
[– 23 – Int. Submarine ———————————————7:39–]
[All the Canaries are sat quietly, kitted out now with rifles and a backup
pistol. All seem absorbed in their own thoughts; all except KILL CRAZY,
that is, who is fairly bouncing on his seat in hyped-up anticipation]
I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws and, like, loads of heads. Yeah!
[The others pay him little attention, much less return any enthusiasm, but
KILL CRAZY ignores them]
[– 24 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————7:50–]
[The submarine draws up beside a large wall of metal, turns about and docks against an airlock]
[– 25 – Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ————————-7:59–]
[The airlock is silent and empty, until a loud screeching of rusted metal
peals out as the Canaries break the airlock seal and swing open the thick door]
[Enter KILL CRAZY]
Here we go! At last! *Yeah*!!!
[Caught in the moment, KILL CRAZY charges forward aproximately half a metre
before smacking his head soundly off the top of the airlock frame. He goes
down bonelessy without a sound, and the other Canaries step over him,
somewhat more cautiously]
[– 26 – Int. Silverberg Obs deck ———————————–8:13–]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, other Canaries]
Okay, stay together, keep ’em peeled.
[RIMMER points fearfully out of shot]
It’s moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf!
I think that’s your shadow, sir.
[– 27 – Int. Staircase aboard the Silverburg ———————–8:30–]
[The search has obviously proved fruitless so far; the Dwarfers have moved
to another part of the ship. A figure comes running down a metal staircase]
Located the mainframe, maybe it can tell us something.
[KOCHANSKI turns and heads back up the staircase]
[– 28 – Int. Silverburg computer room ————————-Raz–8:35–]
[COMPUTER present, a holgraphic head]
[Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER]
[The Dwarfers step into a large, hi-tech room. Control panels, status lights
and cables are the general decor, but the dominant feature of the room is
the large pillar into which the cables that sprout from the control banks
and snake across the floor all lead into. Rising from a solid base, the
hexagonally cross-sectioned pillar becomes translucent, and a section from
around the foot-foot high mark to about seven feet from the floor holds
the hologrammatic image of a older woman’s head. The head has a silvery
sheen to its skin and sheer silver hair, and around the thin neck is an
elaborate necklace resembling the tracks of a printed circuit board, also
worked in silver. Delicate tongues of pink electro-plasma flicker around
image of the head]
Good evening, Arnold. I’ve been looking forward to your arrival so very
How do you know my name?
My name is Cassandra. I am a computer with the ability to predict the future with an accuracy rating of 100%.
[RIMMER frowns in confusion]
‘Bless you’? What do you mean ‘bless you’?
[RIMMER abruptly sneezes]
You need a tissue; Kris has one in her left-hand pocket. She says “would you like this?”; you say “thanks”.
[Sure enough, KOCHANSKI is in the process of offering a handkerchief to
Would you like this?
[Both turn and look at the computer with suspicious surprise]
“The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future”.
[Ignoring the computer, KOCHANSKI glances towards LISTER and the others to
The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.
[CASSANDRA puts on an obvious accent]
“But how does it work? The future’s not ‘appened yet”.
[LISTER hesitates and glances around, adopting an air of defiance]
…I’m not gonna say that.
I never said you would.
But how *does* it work? The future’s not ‘appened yet.
Although you do.
Let’s ask her a question about the future. A biggie…
Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race
Do I ever find my singing tie-pin?
[LISTER glances at CAT in annoyance, but in the meantime KOCHANSKI has been
having second thoughts]
Look, do we want to know all this stuff about the future? I mean, do we
want to know, for example, how and when we die?
Kris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever.
Cassandra, I have a question.
I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
So, what’s the answer?
He chokes to death, aged one-hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
[LISTER glances at RIMMER and CASSANDRA questioningly]
What was the question?
I just asked how you died.
[LISTER stares hard at RIMMER]
You what? I didn’t want to know that!
[Suddenly he rounds on CASSANDRA]
A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!
Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m’ teeth, aged one-hundred and
eighty-one. That’s a hell of a sexy way to go!
So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
I’m really screwed up, now. I never wanted to know that; know how I die.
It’s completely spoiled the surprise!
Kryten, this is where you share your theory with your crew-mates.
[KRYTEN acknowledges this]
I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn’t crash, did it, Cassandra?
The ship was sent here by the Space Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;
to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.
That’s brilliant, bud! How’d you work that out?
I read it on this mission directive, here.
[KRYTEN holds up the paper in question, and passes it to LISTER, who skims through it]
So, there was no dead bodies on board because the ship didn’t have a crew.
A computer that unerringly predicts the future –
– “Is a dangerous thing indeed”…
[KRYTEN’s smug expression curdles]
Is a dangerous… er, yes, precisely.
We, um, should be making tracks.
[RIMMER points apologetically towards the exit and turns to leave]
I’m afraid that that’s not going to happen. The bulkhead’s just given away
and we’re shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All the Canaries
will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer –
[RIMMER punches the air in jubilation]
– Who will be dead in 20 minutes.
[RIMMER’s joy evaporates and he works his mouth ineffectually. CASSANDRA
smiles, somewhat mischievously]
Only Lister, Kryten, the Cat and Kochanski survive.
What happens to Rimmer?
He has a heart attack, brought on by the stress of knowing he’s going to
die, and collapses; collapses during a conversation with me in nineteen
minutes and thirty-one seconds.
I don’t believe you, I simply don’t believe you.
We shall see, or rather, you shall see; I have already seen…
All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end!
Mine too, but not just the ones on the back of my neck; it’s one up, all
[CAT heads out hurriedly, and the others move to follow]
[– 29 – Int. A deserted supply room aboard the Silverburg ———12:24–]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, RIMMER, CAT present]
[The Dwarfers have called a ‘time-out’, away from the other Canaries and
their Warden overseers, to rest their legs, have a coffee, and take stock
of their situation. His initial romance with the Canaries now over, RIMMER
has abandoned his emblazoned coat and sits with the other Dwarfers in the
regular uniform. His stencilled name on his jacket is printed in a larger
typeface than that of his fellows; perhaps RIMMER put himself forward as
their team leader, or some similar temporary position. While KRYTEN checks
over their equipment, the others sit by a line of storage crates that they have arranged into a long table, sipping from their mugs]
Well, it’s not the first time we’ve been in a situation like this, is it?
Hell no, we’ve drunk coffee thousands of times. We’re veterans.
Future echoes, remember?
Future echoes, oh right!
What was that?
Well, we learnt that if the future’s already decided…
[LISTER glances quickly at RIMMER, sat beside him staring into the depths of
his coffee, and lowers his voice]
– you can’t change it…
[RIMMER glances up at him]
Yeah, but what do you know? Your a chicken soup machine repairman, not
Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer.
Don’t get ideas above your station, and your station is Git Central.
Hey, I’ve been surviving in space five – six years. When it comes to
weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I’ve bought the t-shirt.
He bought it and I ironed it for him.
So, you’re saying the future’s the future and, like your underpants, the
chances of change are remote? Well, I’m sorry, I don’t accept it.
Hey, I’m not happy about it, man.
None of us are. You dying is the last think we want, especially me. Hell,
I’d probably have to help dig the hole.
Right, so to summarise: six years of space adventuring, six years of
experience and knowledge, has led you to the conclusion that I’m totally stuffed?
Mister Rimmer has a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making you
pessimistic, while his ignorance and almost doe-like naivety is keeping his
mind receptive to a possible solution.
Shut your stupid, flat head, you.
[KRYTEN shrinks under LISTER’s admonition, but KOCHANSKI has picked up on
something, and sounds intrigued]
So, you’re saying, when you don’t know enough… to *know* that you don’t
know enough, there’s no fear holding you back? You can achieve things which
people with more brains can’t?
[KOCHANSKI smirks in RIMMER’s direction]
He’s got the ‘power of ignorance’…
And with ignorance that he’s got, that makes him one of the most powerful
men that’s ever lived!
Harness your stupidity, sir; employ your witlessness, use your
empty-headed, simplistic moron-mind and find a solution.
[RIMMER’s face hardens defiantly]
Okay! I’ve got an idea. Kryten, replay out meeting with Cassandra in your
CPU and tell me if, at any point, anyone ever called me ‘Rimmer’.
[KRYTEN dutifully scans through his records, his head twitching as his
emotion software tries to reproduce the feelings of the accelerated
moments. The playback ends and KRYTEN adresses RIMMER]
At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as ‘Rimmer’.
In fact, we barely looked you.
That’s just what I thought! Cassandra said “Rimmer dies”, but it doesn’t
necessarily follow that that means me!
Who does it mean then, your dad?
Look, Cassandra doesn’t know the future, she sees pictures of it. She
could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack; someone she’s been told is *called* Rimmer.
All I have to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra as
[RIMMER glances down and suddenly notices the large name badge on the front
of his jacket. He smiles eagerly]
– and it’ll be them that stiffs out and not me!
Such lowlife conniving; its impossible not to be impressed! What I
wouldn’t give to have your weasel gene, sir!
[RIMMER beams intently at CAT]
Now wait a minute!
[Enter WARDEN KNOT]
[KRYTEN notcices the burly man’s approach and speaks in exaggerated tones]
Oh look, here’s Mister Knot…
[RIMMER looks sharply at the big man, silently mouthing “Yes…”]
You made this area secure?
Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir?
[RIMMER fairly leaps out of his seat, and begins pouring a cup from the
flask in front of him]
I’ve been asked by the Captain to inspect the mainframe, where is it?
[RIMMER, in passing a cup of coffee to KNOT, feigns a trip and throws it
over the man’s jacket. KNOT grabs RIMMER’s lapels angrily]
You idiot! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Please, have my jacket, I insist! Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.
[Taking KNOT’s damp jacket away, RIMMER holds out his own and helps the
WARDEN shrug awkwardly into it, a task not made easy by the obvious size
difference between the two of them]
There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.
[KNOT scowls at RIMMER, but keeps the jacket anyway]
Lead the way, Rimmer.
Don’t call me ‘Rimmer’!
That’s your name…
Yes, but ‘Rimmer’ – it’s so full of nobility and quiet courage; call me
‘arsewipe’ or ‘fishbreath’, but not ‘Rimmer’, sir, never ‘Rimmer’, sir.
Okay, arsewipe, whatever you say. Now where’s the mainframe!
[– 30 – Int. Silverburg computer room ————————Raz–16:14–]
[Enter RIMMER, WARDEN KNOT]
[Leading the Warden, RIMMER now wears KNOT’s grey jacket over his Canary
bib and a hopeful, nervous smile on his face]
Hello Arnold, bang on time.
I’ve brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name?
Yes, I do. Not –
[Shock registers on RIMMER’s face]
Let me finish!
Not that it matters what his name is, I mean, our relationship doesn’t
last very long.
[RIMMER calms himself, visibly trying to relax]
I understand you have the ability to predict –
– the future, yes, I do.
A hundred percent reli –
– able, yes.
What happens to me; do I get back to Earth?
No, you die in about four seconds’ time of a heart attack after hearing
the news that you’re going to die of a heart attack.
You filthy ly — Ack!
[KNOT clutches a hand to his chest and stares at RIMMER and shock. RIMMER
watches nonchalantly as KNOT sinks to the floor and sprawls on his back.
CASSANDRA peers down at him sympathetically]
Yes, poor old ‘Rimmer’.
[KNOT raises a hand weakly]
My name is not –
[Quick to obfuscate the man’s inconvenient last words, RIMMER leans down as
if to listen intently]
Your name is not *what*?
[The man’s lead lolls back slackly. RIMMER looks to CASSANDRA impatiently]
Is he dead now?
I’m afraid so.
[Enormously pleased, RIMMER holds up both fists triumphantly]
He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.
[RIMMER punches the air again]
You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why? You’re going to die too.
[Once again RIMMER’s smile is mercilessly killed]
But you said – I just…
I’m gonna die too?
I already told you: Rimmer dies of a heart attack, and then you and all
the other Canaries die too; all except Lister, Kryten, Kochanski and then Cat.
I’ve seen it.
That’s as well as maybe, but have you seen this?
[RIMMER flips his middle finger to CASSANDRA, then turns and storms out]
Yes… I’m afraid I have…
[– 31 – Int. Silverburg loading tube——————————-17:50–]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT, RIMMER present]
[The Dwarfers walk solemnly along the flat bottomed but otherwise
cylindrical corridor, illuminate by stark, irregularly spaced lamps
postioned along the top of the tube, and rows of lanterns strung just above
head-height along both side walls]
You were right, there’s nothing I can do.
According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
Therefore, while we’re here, we cannot die. Regard:
[The Dwarfer pause in the corridor to attend KRYTEN. The mechanoid draws his
sidearm, places the barrel to his temple and pulls the trigger. The chamber
clicks empty. He points to and fires at KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT in turn,
and each time the chambers are empty. He levels the gun at RIMMER’s head]
[KRYTEN fires, and a bullet richochet’s off the wall behind RIMMER. The
bullet pings its way up and down the metal corridar in which they stand,
its noise first growing quieter, then steadily louder]
Duck again, sir!
[RIMMER does so, just in time for the bullet to finally shatter against the
wall behind him]
Just as i thought.
[KRYTEN deftly spins the pistol around his finger and drops it back into his holster.
So, in other words, if I…
[CAT gingerly plucks a large fire axe from the wall, and cracks LISTER
sharply across the back of the head with its long wooden handle. The others
flinch away in sympathy and LISTER clutches the back of head, rounding on
CAT, who grins unconcernedly]
What was that for!?
You can’t die!
Yeah, but I can still feel pain, you smegger!
So how about this: we use our ‘powers of invulnerability’, which will last
until we return to Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer, escort him up to
the Obs. deck, and into the diving bell?
[– 32 – Int. Silverburg cargo deck ——————————–18:43–]
[The safety concertina’d door covering an elevator car folds back]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[The former four are arranged in a tight, four-point huddle around RIMMER
his is sandwiched between them and crouched over, out of sight. As the
Dwarfers begin to shuffle warily along the deck, RIMMER’s head pops out
to scan their surroundings, before CAT pushes him back down out of harm’s way]
[– 33 – Int. Silverburg engine room ——————————-18:56–]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER]
[Shuffling along a gangway between the huge ranks of machinery, RIMMER again
pops up from inside his protective screen, but disappears back down just as sharply]
[– 34 – Int. Airlock aboard the Silverburg ————————19:04–]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
The diving bell! We’ve made it!
[Breaking their huddle, it comes as some surprise to the Dwarfers to find
that the ‘safety cell’ they have been preserving is now empty. RIMMER has
Where did he go??
[The Dwarfers dash back the way they came]
[– 35 – Int. Silverburg engine room ——————————-19:13–]
[Re-tracing their steps through the engine blocks, LISTER happens across a
hatch in the floor, through which RIMMER can be seen on the floor below, nursing a sprained ankle]
[Hearing the commotion above, RIMMER stares up anxiously]
[– 36 – Int. Silverburg lower engine deck ————————-19:22–]
[Clutching a rope tied securely around her, KOCHANSKI descends gingerly
through the hatch into the room below]
[– 37 – Int. Silverburg engine room ——————————-19:28–]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER present]
[The three of them stand in line, holding the other end of KOCHANSKI’s rope,
LISTER glancing down the hatch to keep an eye on her progress. Suddenly,
CAT pricks his ears, and glances sharply at KRYTEN and LISTER]
[KRYTEN adds power to his adio receivers, immediately detecting:]
[LISTER suddenly realises the implications]
Kris, take cover, the water’s coming!
Quick , the diving bell!
[– 38 – Int. Silverburg lower engine deck ————————-19:39–]
[KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[The pair hurriedly climb to the top of a large airlock bell that serves as
a watersealed access point to the ship’s lower decks. Swinging open the
large access cover at the top, RIMMER and KOCHANSKI scramble inside, and
KOCHANSKI barely gets the seal shut again before thousands of gallons of
water come thunding down into the engine deck]
[– 39 – Int. Silverburg cargo deck ——————————–19:51–]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[KOCHANSKI descends the last few steps of the ladder that runs from the top
of the airlock bell down to the cargo deck, where RIMMER stands tensely,
resting against a pilar. KOCHANSKI whirls away from the ladder angrily]
Great, everything’s above us is flooded, and now we’re back down in the
bowels again with Cassandra!
It’s coming true.
[KOCHANSKI looks at him levelly]
My death! It’s all coming true.
[RIMMER storms away with a darkly intent expression]
[KOCHANSKI stares hard at his back and shakes her head with irritation.
After a moment she stalks off on her own]
[– 40 – Int. Silverburg computer room —————————–20:09–]
[CASSANDRA smiles, almost apologetically, as she sees RIMMER step in slowly]
You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.
So what happens now? How… How do I die?
Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
[RIMMER stares at CASSANDRA incredulously]
Can you just double-check that?
I’ve seen it, it’s what happens. In the old laundry room.
So let me just repeat what I think you’re saying… Arnold, that’s *me*,
and Kochanski, that’s *the woman* – the really attractive one you saw
earlier; me and her were in bed, giving it rizz, when Lister, that’s the
short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the
head while I’m making love with Kochanski?
That is what is going to happen.
[RIMMER grins exultantly, amms held up in celebration]
[– 41 – Int. Silverburg laundry room ——————————21:15–]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER is on hands and knees, bouncing on a old mattress that he has
arranged on the floor in an attempt to flatten out the worst of its lumps.
KOCHANSKI stands against a wall as far away as possible, staring away and pressing a hand to her chest faintly]
I can’t believe what you’re telling me..!
I can scarcely believe it myself.
I mean, obviously, you’re incredibly attractive; I never thought you’d
look at me twice!
Neither did I!
But, apparently, were gonna make love. Unbe-smegging-lieviable or what?
It’s not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?
No, no, no, no.
[RIMMER heads over to his flask anyway, and pours himself a small glass]
But, why would I want to sleep with *you*? I mean, it doesn’t make any
Maybe you get blind drunk?
Well that doesn’t excuse my other four senses!
Right, barely an hour to go, shall we get started?
I mean, let’s face it, you can’t change the future. Sadly.
[KOCHANSKI remembers something, and points at RIMMER hopefully]
But, you said, you *could*…
Yeah, I’ve changed my mind now.
[RIMMER fiddles with a pipe and tap on the wall, intending to top up his
Look, are you sure you wouldn’t like to play the opera game, instead?
Kris, it’s what Cassandra saw. You can’t cheat fate.
Well, you just watch me, because there’s no way on earth that I’m climbing
out of my clothes, and clambering into that bed.
[As RIMMER finally turns on his tap, the other end of the ancient pipe,
which KOCHANSKI is standing next to, suddenly ruptures, spraying torrents
of water and drenching her from head to toe. RIMMER fumbles with the tap
and manages to stop the flood. KOCHANSKI glares at RIMMER]
My clothes are soaking!
Why don’t you take them off, and dry them on the heater?
[KOCHANSKI snatches a blanket from a shelf beside her, sloshes over to
RIMMER and grabs the drink from his hand]
It’s coming true, it’s all coming true…
It’s coming true, it’s all coming true!
[KOCHANKSI takes a belt from the glass, and shakes her head in some surprise]
[– 42 – Model/CGI shot ——————————————–23:04–]
[The Canaries’ little submarine powers through the black water]
[– 43 – Int. Submarine ——————————————–23:11–]
[KILL CRAZY, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
[KILL CRAZY lies on his back, barely conscious, across the bench seats, a vicious arc of a cut prominent across a good part of his forehead]
[CAT and KRYTEN spare the downed Canary a glance as LISTER makes
preparations for leaving]
Bud, you can’t go back there!
Cassandra said Kris survives, and the only way that’s gonna happen is if someone goes back in and saves her.
[LISTER points at an area of the wall behind CAT and KRYTEN]
Chuck’us the harpoon gun, will you.
[CAT passes the weapon over, and LISTER carefully removes the safety cover
from the tip of the spear]
[– 44 – Int. Silverburg laundry room ————————-Raz–23:33–]
[RIMMER, KOCHANSKI present]
[RIMMER, now dressed only in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, bops happily in
front of the hastily constructed bed, singing to himself wordlessly, and
with an equal amount of tunefulness. KOCHANSKI is already in bed, naked
but hiding inside a tightly wrapped blanket. RIMMER mooches closer to the
bed and throws himself down beside her; KOCHANKSI flinches away]
I’m not sure about this. This is the first time I’ve ever been seduced
by predeterminism theory.
One hour exactly…
[RIMMER puckers up and waggles his lips in KOCHANSKI’s direction]
[Upon seeing LISTER dart in through a hatchway and level his harpoon gun,
RIMMER turns away and scowls in disgust]
Oh bloody, buggering hell!
Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward!
I’ve got it!
That’s more than I did.
I’ve worked it all out.
I never get any breaks, ever! Twenty seconds later you could’ve been on
top and I could’ve used you as a human shield.
I must have been mad, what the hell was I thinking? I felt sorry for you!
Look, will you shut up and listen to me?
[Crouching down beside the bed, LISTER picks up the glass discarded by
KOCHANSKI and takes a sip]
No! *Why* aren’t you mad that I’m in bed with him?
‘Cos i know *why* you’re in bed with him. and I also know that i don’t
Aw, but Cassandra promised…
Cassandra made that up to force you two together. So that you’d feel sorry for him, and hopefully end up sleeping with him.
So why did she say she saw it happen?
To try and *make* it happen.
To try and punish me!
Punish you? Why?
‘Cos Cassandra knows, and has always known, how she dies. She’s trying to
make me suffer now for something that I’m destined to do in the future…
You kill her, don’t you? That’s why she hates you. Because she knows
you’re going got kill her.
That’s what this whole thing was about. Kryten figured it out.
[RIMMER nods, his annoyance plain]
Kryten figured it out, did he? Good old Kryten. But did he really have to
figure it out quite so damn fast? Would it have killed him to take thirty
minutes longer? Ten minutes even? Two would have done.
I’m gonna take care of the rest of it now. I’ll, erm –
[LISTER grins at the pair of them]
– see you two lovebirds later…
[KOCHANSKI gets to her feet, keeping the blanket wrapped perfectly around
her in that special way that only women can]
Look, thanks for being with me tonight. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather
share my final hour with than you, and I really mean that.
I’m not all bad, in fact, sometimes I’m quite sweet and sensitive…
[KOCHANSKI smiles gently and turns to leave]
By the way?
[RIMMER picks up KOCHANSKI’s black knickers from the bed and dangles them in the air, grinning hugely]
Is it okay if I keep these?
[– 45 – Int. Silverburg computer room —————————–25:54–]
[LISTER sets down the glass the brought with him from the laundry room, and
chomps quietly on a piece of chewing gum]
If the future’s all worked out – horoscopes, all that stuff – it means
we’re not responsible for anything we do. It means we’re just actors saying
lines in a script written by someone else. I don’t wanna believe that.
I wanna believe I’m in charge of my own life, my own destiny; so I’m not
gonna kill you, Cassandra. I’m out of here.
[LISTER turns to leave]
But you do kill me, I’ve seen it.
Tomorrow’s a new day. A fresh page in a book that’s not been written yet.
What happens in the future is up to me, not some ‘predetermined destiny’
I’ll see you, kid-eh.
[As LISTER turns away from CASSANDRA again, he takes out his gum and sticks
it on the wall beside the hatchway before walking out. Almost immediately,
the gum falls off the wall, landing on the articulated-arm of a lamp. The
lamp eases slowly downwards under the fractional extra weight, coming to
rest on a button. The button, in turn, supplies power to a desk fan, which
spins up and begins to oscillate. The flow of air blows the gum off the
lamp-arm, flicking it through the air in front of LISTER’s startled face
and depositing it neatly in the glass that LISTER brought with him. The
gum’s inertia pushes the glass off the narrow shelf on which it sat,
spilling the contents over a wall panel. The liquid drips down into a
socket, where a thick cable connects to the wall, and sparks begin to
crackle from the connection. Sparks, accompanied by angry electrical pops,
work their way along the cabling towards a bank of components, and things
go from bad to worse when the whole console goes up in small explosion.
CASSANDRA tilts her head and stares at LISTER in admirably subdued
annoyance, before the entire column that housed her projection system
detonates in spectacular fashion. LISTER surveys his handiwork with a pained expression]
[Highly embarassed, he turns and walks carefully out]
END OF “CASSANDRA”