Red Dwarf Full Script Series 8 Episode 6 Pete part 1

A prisoners vs guards basketball game combined with a virility enhancing drug somehow leads to a dinosaur on Red Dwarf!

RED DWARF – PETE, part 1

I understand you played an idiotic prank on
a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

That is not true. We played the prank
on Mr Ackerman, sir.

– I mean Mr Ackerman.
– Oh, I see.

What happened?

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum
sodium Pentothal into his aspirin inhaler.

Which is why he rushed onto the bridge
this morning, apologised for being late,

saying he’d been having jiggy-jiggy
with the science officer’s wife,

and hadn’t allowed enough time
to change out of his Batman outfit.

Permission to snigger, sir.

Permission refused.

May have to snigger anyway, sir.

– Do either of you have anything to say?
– About what, sir?

About Mr Ackerman. About him being late
and wearing a Batman outfit.

Has he considered being Tarzan?
Costume change would be much quicker.

You two are both serving a two-year sentence
in the brig. Do you wanna get out ever?

It’s just that Mr Ackerman’s so…

…horrible, sir.

I am not, sir!

I’m extremely nice!

Lovely, in fact.

Warm, caring, but most of all, nice.

Hence my nickname – Nicey Ackerman.
That’s why I entered the service, sir –

so I could share my sunny disposition with
inmate scum who didn’t have my start in life.

He’s been horrible from the day we met him.

Today, we have a new intake.

To them I say, obey the rules,

keep out of trouble, and your time here
will pass much more pleasantly.

Welcome to floor 13.

He seems like a nice guy.

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

– I was just saying how nice you seemed.
– You spoke again.

I was paying you a compliment, buddy!

I was saying you seemed to be a fair-minded
guy, not one of these psycho types.

You spoke again!

Come on. Back me up.

Hang on. Wait. I get it. I’ll shut up.

I’ll shut up. Now stop hitting me.

That is definitely…

– That is totally untrue, sir.
– Save it, Mr Ackerman.

I thought long and hard about a suitable
punishment and I’ve come up with this.

You and a team of your choice

will play basketball against a team of guards
led by Mr Ackerman.

God bless you, sir.

Where you will be trounced and humiliated
in front of the entire inmate population.

If we lose, Baxter and his cronies
will beat us to a pulp.

You’d better win, then.

Here, guys. Way to go!

– You were supposed to be picking up Rice.
– I did. We’re meeting for drinks on Thursday.

– Not that kind of picking up, you ninny!
– We gotta stop arguing. We can’t lose this.

– It’s all taken care of.
– As soon as the guards swig their juice.

A skutter’s got something out of the medi lab –
that stuff that helps impotent guys.

– Boing, the virility enhancement drug?
– Yeah. We’ve Mickey Finned their drinks.

Within seconds, you’re harder than a quadratic
equation. It doesn’t wear off for seven hours.

Those guys are going to be like catapults!
That will seriously slow them down.

Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

Get out there and kill.
They’re lambs to the slaughter.

Red Dwarf Basketball Team

Go on.

(WHISTLE)

Come on. Get your hands up!

Get your hands on the ball and shoot!

Seven hours.

Do you know how long that is?

I couldn’t remove my shorts until after midnight.

When I wanted a leak, I had to do
a handstand on the toilet seat.

I stopped the lift doors from closing –
I wasn’t even catching a lift.

– Did it come from the medi lab?
– Yes.

How? If it was one of those damn skutters,
I’ll have it crushed.

It was me, sir, when the doc’s back was turned.
I went to the medi lab for a sick note,

but the doc didn’t accept it was possible
to have athlete’s hand.

First thing tomorrow,
you’re on spud duty for two weeks.

Now get out of my sight, both of youse.

Hah!

– (LISTER SIGHS)
– Stuck?

– Yeah. God, this is hard!
– Are you doing a crossword?

No, join the dots.

– What number are you stuck on?
– 124.

124…

124…

Have you tried 125?

I know the number.
It’s finding it that’s the hard bit.

I’m not some brain-dead simpleton.

Ah, there it is.

Look at that. It’s a bucket and spade!

It’s clever that, isn’t it?

Ah, supper!

Are we supposed to tip them? I’m never sure.

I’ve seen things more appetising
on the floors of elephant houses.

Only a total idiot would eat this.

They call this meat?

My grandmother’s buttocks deep-fried
in old chip fat would taste better than this.

We’re on the punishment menu now.

– No chips, no ice cream.
– Because we’re on punishment detail?

Yeah. Kill Crazy says this is
cloning experiments that have gone wrong

with gravy slopped over to disguise it.

You waited until I was swallowing
to say that, didn’t you?

He swears he got something
with two noses in it.

He didn’t. They can’t do that. It’s illegal.

His starter sneezed.

– Jimbo Steele was a witness.
– Kill Crazy’s insane.

He’s got lots of strange ideas. He reckons
when they flush a loo on a plane, it drops out.

That’s why you can’t go to the lav
when the plane’s standing on the runway –

for fear of skid starts.

– He’s probably right.
– Of course he isn’t.

– Why else won’t they let you go?
– I don’t know.

Maybe they’re helping you break up the journey.

If you went first off, you’d have nothing to do
after you’d eaten your cheese.

Kill Crazy’s probably right. That’s why
houses on the flight path are so cheap.

– Because of all the flushing planes?
– Think about it.

You can’t sunbathe or have a barbecue,

and you have to go out in a washable hat
and leg it to your car.

It’s the noise. Houses on the flight path
are cheap because of the noise.

The noise? But they’re half a mile up.

You’d never hear people on the loo
from that distance.

– Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.
– Not eating?

Yeah. In a minute.

(TAPPING)

Tee-hah!

Ooh! Chicken vindaloo!

Nice one, Bob!

You didn’t forget the poppadoms, did you?

Here’s something for you.

– Same time tomorrow.
– (SQUEAKY KISS)

Cheers.

Did he get the stiffening solution
for the basketball game?

Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob.

– A claw in every pie!
– Tomorrow, we’re on spud duty,

and those knives are as sharp
as a chemistry teacher’s cardigan.

Can he get us a couple of good potato peelers?

Hang on. I’m onto something here.

Forget the potato peelers. We want one of those
programmable viruses from the science block.

Programmable what?

They were on Z deck. I wonder
if the nanos have reconstructed them.

You can programme them
to do anything you want. You name it.

We could programme them to eat
the potato skins and leave the rest intact.

We wouldn’t have to lift a finger.

Two weeks of hell
would become potato paradise.

I’ll get on the blower to Bob’s missus.
She’ll take a message.

– Bob’s got a missus?
– Yeah, Madge. She’s amazing.

0 to 60 in under ten minutes.

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(SINGLE TAP IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

– (TWO TAPS)
– (TWO TAPS)

(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

– (TWO TAPS)
– (THREE TAPS)

– Damn!
– Can’t they help us?

No. Wrong number.

I got the Chinese laundry.

Do you need anything ironing?

Remember, two entire battalions went missing
from this ship. Vanished without trace.

We must stick together and remain vigilant.

You lose concentration for a split second,

and you’re all alone and easy pickings
for some hostile life-form.

I know you think I’m a fusspot
when it comes to safety procedures,

but it’s staying alert that has kept us all…

Kept us…

(TINY VOICE) Hello.

Oh, Creator! I’m on my own.

Hey, buddy. We’re in here.

What is the point of my “Stay alert, everyone”
pep talk if no one is listening?

– What?
– Look at this.

What are they, Hol?

They look uncannily like something
you should be very afraid of.

– What?
– Mime artists.

They chase you in trendy town centres
and freeze when you look at them.

– Everyone laughs at you.
– I’ve never seen this before.

A group of men who display the normal
life signs but seem incapable of movement.

Never seen QPR play away, then.

“Tempus.” That’s Latin for “time”.

I didn’t even know the Romans built spaceships.

Somehow, this device has caused time to freeze.
Obviously, they used it erroneously.

Where did…

…you come from, and how did…

…you get hold of that?

It’s some kind of tem…

…porary sto…

…rage unit.

Extraordinary!

This could be a great device
for settling arguments!

Don’t mess…

…with that thing. It can re…

…ally screw…

…ooh-ooh-ooh…

…you up.

It appears to digitise time and then
download it and store it on a hard drive.

This pure time can then be uploaded
into objects or places.

– To freeze people?
– They’re not frozen.

– They’re operating in a different time stream.
– So they’re moving, but slowly?

About the same speed
as the average Little Chef waitress.

That’s why they don’t appear
to be doing anything.

So this device has the ability to make time
come to a complete stop. What else can it do?

What’s happened? Kryten, why are you so big,

and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

Wagh! You gotta get me back to normal!

Do something. I can’t go back like this!

Why not? You may only be three feet tall,
but you’re both as cute as buttons.

– What’s happened to my hair?
– And what’s happened to mine?

You look like the Turkish entry
in the Eurovision Song Contest.

It seems to have restored your hair
to a previous time period to the rest of you.

It’s regressed your outfits to a previous time.

You still look like the Turkish entry
in the Eurovision Song Contest.

Here’s a question. Can you unfreeze these guys

but take them back in time
so they have no memory of finding this?

– I think so. Why?
– If we can smuggle this thing onto Red Dwarf,

it can make our prison terms pass in seconds.

Leave this to me.
I have an excellent place to conceal it.

(SQUEAKS THEME
FROM “THE GREAT ESCAPE”)

Nice one, Bob!

(CHOIR SINGS DRAMATIC
OPERA-TYPE THEME)

– It’s not working, is it?
– Give it a bit of time to get going.

Look… Look.

– It’s working on this one.
– Yes!

– And here’s another. And another.
– Yes!

And another! Fan-smegging-tastic.

We’re on our way. They’ll do
the whole damn room in minutes.

– What’s happened to your sleeve, man?
– What?

– Your sleeve.
– My God! They’re eating my clothes.

(LAUGHS)

Well?

It wasn’t me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

You Judas! We’d agreed to refuse to talk.

Let me blame you, then I’ll refuse to talk.

If I ever, ever see you in this office again,

then you’re in the hole. Is that what you want?

– (BOTH) No, sir.
– Well, then. Get out.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You haven’t been to the medi bay
to get this virus off, have you?

– I probably shouldn’t have shaken your hand.
– Big mistake.

– We’ll be going, sir.
– Right now.

That’s it!

Two months

in the hole!

Sir, what about me athlete’s hand?

Now!

(KRYTEN) We zap the ship
with a two-year download of time.

The records will show
that we are free to be released.

This machine’s amazing!

Can it do boob jobs, too?
I’m just thinking about the future.

– You spilt my soup.
– Sorry, Baxter, non-bud.

It was an accident.

Hot Bovril.

Agh!

Grr!

Look at him. The big lug.
I’d hate to clean the bath out after him.

You’d need a sander to get rid of the tide mark
and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

Fix him. Fix him with the time wand.

Watch this.

(LAUGHS)

– Hello!
– There’s someone in here with us!

Yeah, it’s that bloke sitting next to you.

– Who are you?
– They call me Birdman.

Why’s that?

Because he really likes instant custard (!)
Why do you think?

This is Pete. He’s nine years old,
which in sparrow years is…

…nine years old.

So, that makes him…

Nine?

Nine! That’s right. Met him before, have you?

Two months of this! God!

(DRILLING)

What’s this?

(SQUEAKING “GREAT ESCAPE” THEME)

(RIMMER) What happened?
(LISTER) They’re all frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder did this
when I tried to kiss her.

This’ll drive them crazy!

– (KRIS) Hey!
– Guys!

– Buddies!
– This is Birdman.

And this is Pete.

We found this machine that can digitise time.
We can release jets of it.

It can make our sentence pass in a nano second.

Hats off, sirs.

– There’s something wrong with Pete.
– What?

He’s gone all stiff!

He must have drunk the guards’ half-time juice.

Not that kind of stiff. He’s dead.

The excitement of being free has killed him!

He really loved that bird.
It was the only thing that kept him going.

I think the time wand could bring Pete back
to life – make him young and strong again.

Watch.

(ROAR)

– Holy…
…smeg!

(ROAR)

Where the hell did Barney’s ugly brother
come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended
from dinosaurs.

I inadvertently reversed evolution
several million years.

An old Cat saying has particular relevance here.
It goes like this –

we are all gonna die!

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

Pete is that you Red Dwarf

Birdman!

(SNEEZES)

Gesundheit.

You want some seed?

That’s a no, then, is it?

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)