Red Dwarf Full Script Series 8 Episode 7 Pete part 2

Pete the Sparrow is now a Tyrannosaurus Rex rampaging around the the decks of Red Dwarf. What next for Lister, Rimmer, and the team?

RED DWARF – SERIES 8 – PETE, part 2

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“Last time on Red Dwarf”

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[Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A pingpong game was obviously in
progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players]

[Enter LISTER, RIMMER, BIRDMAN]

[BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him]

RIMMER
What happenned to everyone?

LISTER
It’s like they’re all frozen on the spot.

RIMMER
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

LISTER
Hey, hey, this’ll drive them crazy!

[LISTER plucks the pingpong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and catches it then pockets it]

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KOCHANSKI
We’ve found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it […]

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KRYTEN
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous Time period to the rest of you.

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CAT
[…] It was an accident!

[Spinning CAT around, BAXTER shoves him head first through the dispensing hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit]

BAXTER
Hot Bovril!

CAT
Aaaagghhh!

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CAT
[…] Fix him with the Time wand!

KRYTEN
Watch this!

[KRYTEN zaps BAXTER’s dinner tray, turning the man’s cooked chicken into
something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the
table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the man beside him in the face]

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BIRDMAN
And this is Pete.

[…]

BIRDMAN
The excitement of bein’ free ‘as killed ‘im!

LISTER
He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.

KRYTEN
I can’t guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him
back to life; make him young and strong again.
Watch:

[KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps Pete’s cage. There’s
is a huge explosion – the bird disappears, and Birdman is sent sprawling,
losing his glasses in the process. As Birdman scrabbles around on the
floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there
is a resounding boom as a gargantuan, scaly foot slams down onto the deck]

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[Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyranosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin backpeddling almost unconsciously]

LISTER
Where the *hell* did Barney’s ugly brother come from??

KRYTEN
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod
family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!

[…]

[Still without his glasses, Birdman suddenly finds a large, bird’s foot-like
object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete’s smooth central claw]

BIRDMAN
[…] Is that you, Pete?

KOCHANSKI
Birdman!

[Pete eats BIRDMAN]

KRYTEN
What now, sir?

RIMMER
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

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KRYTEN
Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!
Bob! Bob, catch!

[KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw]

LISTER
Bob!

[Pete, towing over the Skutter, leans down and swallows the robot whole]

KRYTEN
Bob!

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LISTER
Come on Kryten, hurry up!

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[Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids,
waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths once more]

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[LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash
through, then seals them closed. Pete bashes his head against them, and they buckle as if made of rubber]

KRYTEN
Leg it mode, sir!

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LISTER
We’ve lost the time wand.

CAT
How the hell’re we going to get rid of that thing now?

RIMMER
We’re finished!

LISTER
Stop yelling, man, we’ve gotta think our way out of this.

RIMMER
We’re finished!

LISTER
Shut up and get a grip, man!

RIMMER
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just – I was – Look, I’m better now.
Can I just say one thing?

LISTER
Yeah, go on.

RIMMER
We’re finished!

LISTER
Holl, we need some advice, man. We’ve been cornered by a T-Rex that was
formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in it’s stomach. What’s your take on the situation?

HOLLY
What do you want, the long or the short version?

LISTER
Ooh… long.

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HOLLY
You’re finished.

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CAT
What’s the short version??

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HOLLY
‘Bye.

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KOCHANSKI
Kryten?

KRYTEN
Er, yes, ma’am?

KOCHANSKI
How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass
the Time Wand out of his system?

KRYTEN
Well, strangely enough, ma’am, I don’t have that information in my
database. My programmers, for some insane reason, decided that ‘dinosaur
bowel movement frequency’ tables wouldn’t be required. Imbeciles!

LISTER
Why? What’s your suggestion?

KOCHANSKI
Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?

LISTER
Right.

KOCHANSKI
Right. So, why don’t we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat
some roughage!

CAT
Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?

KOCHANSKI
Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

RIMMER
We can’t even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton dinosaur!

KOCHANSKI
Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you
got any better ideas?

RIMMER
Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I’m going to kill myself.

LISTER
We’ve gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we’re dead.

RIMMER
Keep him quiet? He’s rampaging about the food decks making more noise
than two yodelling champions on honeymoon!
Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.

KRYTEN
But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different Time stream. Now,
if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before
the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.

CAT
He’s right. I just listened to everthing he said and I still ain’t got a
clue what’s happenning.

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[SKUTTER catches buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew]

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[CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts
directions. The Dwarfers have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable
dinghy into a temporary food bowl – a large ‘D I N O’ has been scrawled on
the side, and the thing is full to the brim with hideous brown watery
substance]

KRYTEN
Right over, sir. We don’t want a gap. Right over.

[CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into the mixture]

Red Dwarf Cow Vindaloo

RIMMER
Cow vindaloo? It’s not gonna work.

LISTER
Of course it’s gonna work.

RIMMER
T-Rex’s don’t like curry.

LISTER
They’re hard, aren’t they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a
bloke he’d be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of
winter and his nipples don’t even get hard.

RIMMER
A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh.
Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of
intestines, and an extra portion of blood.
A bit like the French in that respect.

LISTER
Look, we’ve got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn’t it, I’ll scoff it myself.

[Pete suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors]

LISTER
That door’s not gonna hold out much longer.

RIMMER
If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn’t even *need* a
curry.

[CAT and KRYTEN are pouring bags of bran into the jerry-rigged food bowl]

LISTER
Don’t put that stuff in, you’re gonna spoil the taste!

KOCHANSKI
Here he comes!

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[Pete takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins slurping noisily]

LISTER
It’s loving it!
Maybe we should have made some poppadums, gone the whole hog?

CAT
The whole hog? Like it wasn’t hard enough getting the whole cow?

[Pete raises his head high and shakes it]

LISTER
I think he wants a lager.

[Pete abruptly stops moving, then lowers his head slowly. Suddenly, his eyes bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech]

LISTER
It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!

[Yowling piteously, Pete stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally he smashes through an iron wall and disappears from view]

[Enter GUARDS]

KRYTEN
The Time freeze on the guards must have… If only those buttons were more clearly marked!

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HOLLISTER
The rules about dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear. No pets.
Am I right? Am I right!?

RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?

RIMMER, LISTER
No, sir.

HOLLISTER
It has eaten our entire supply – two and a half tons – of mint-choc ice
cream. I *love* mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.

RIMMER
We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.

HOLLISTER
It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all the Coca-Cola. Guess what?

RIMMER
You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?

HOLLISTER
I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.

LISTER
Sir, if you could just let us –

HOLLISTER
And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then
eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred
crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?

LISTER
It burps?

HOLLISTER
Oh, it burps. And do you know what happened to the poor brave men who had
the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

RIMMER
They went ‘phwoooarrr!’?

HOLLISTER
It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall.

RIMMER
Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won’t tarnish an otherwise
flawless service record, sir.

HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half
tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange
ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, *after* it’s burped?

RIMMER
It feels sick?

HOLLISTER
Oh no! It doesn’t *feel* sick, Rimmer – it *is* sick!
Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed
by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

LISTER
We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

HOLLISTER
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by –

LISTER
Oh god, it didn’t?

HOLLISTER
It didn’t what, Lister?

LISTER
It didn’t get a diarrhea attack, did it?

HOLLISTER
One hundred percent correct! And, do you know what happened to the
battalion that was sneaking up on the beast – from behind – of which I was
a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happened?

RIMMER
Got a fair idea, sir.

LISTER
Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

HOLLISTER
A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my
life. I’ve had twelve baths, and three showers.
Now, do you have *anything* to say?

RIMMER
Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

[HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk]

HOLLISTER
No one knows how to work this thing.
It is sedated in the cargo bay – turn it back into a sparrow!

LISTER
Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

HOLLISTER
Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being
oiled.
Bring back the sparrow, and, if you try anything smart, you’re dead.

Hollister from Red Dwarf

RIMMER, LISTER
Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER
And, if I ever, ever, *ever*, see you in this office again, you are
finished. See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?

[LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand]

HOLLISTER
See ya in ten minutes?

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KOCHANSKI
Did you get punishment duty too?

KRYTEN
I’ve got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don’t understand…

KOCHANSKI
Ohh…

KRYTEN
Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?
Eight-hundred! Bliss!

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LISTER
Did you see the Captain’s report? The one lying open on his desk? See what
it said about you?
He used the word ‘imbecile’ four times in one sentence.

RIMMER
Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

LISTER
Just your name, and a dash.

RIMMER
I don’t know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes – you give the Captain a
virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into
a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it!
Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I’m an imbecile? I’m finished, I’m never going to make it into High Command now.

LISTER
It’s just the people who know you who think you’re an imbecile. Everyone else thinks you’re a moron.

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and
begins dropping meaningful glances in the man’s direction]

LISTER
He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn’t he, eh? On the
ball. Quick.

[LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER’s shoulder, but RIMMER isn’t
looking at him]

RIMMER
Quick? The only time he’s quick is when he’s passing a salad bar.

LISTER
You do admire him though, don’t you?

RIMMER
Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his
quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies ‘chewing’ and ‘swallowing’?

LISTER
You did tell me once before, though, you do respect *him*, don’t ya?

LISTER
Respect him? A man who’s family crest is made up of two cream buns and a
profitarole? A man who’s idea of a light snack —
He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?

HOLLISTER
Yes, he is.

[RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention]

RIMMER
I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of
blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday
doesn’t appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever –

[RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly
and he makes unintelligable sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER watches and waits, unimpressed]

HOLLISTER
You forgot this. You left it in my office. D’you have any idea the damage
that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?
LOOK AFTER IT!

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[KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking
a broom into the dark corners beneath]

KOCHANSKI
You’re there, I *know* you’re there, you little sod!
Come on, out! Out!

[Enter KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
There’s a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten
minutes.

KRYTEN
It’s not a mouse, ma’am, it’s Archie.

KOCHANSKI
Archie?

KRYTEN
My penis. It must have escaped.

KOCHANSKI
You know, I’m really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me?

KRYTEN
I made one.

KOCHANSKI
Forget my ears, maybe my whole *brain* needs syringing… You made one?

KRYTEN
Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic
and an Action Man’s polo-neck jumper.

KOCHANSKI
Kryten, why do you want one?

KRYTEN
It’s so humiliating, being posted to the Women’s Wing just because I’m
genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister’s.
Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night.

KOCHANSKI
No wonder I couldn’t lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing’s making sense now.

KRYTEN
Just leave this to me, ma’am.
Here, Archie! Here, boy!

KOCHANSKI
There he is!

[A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out and across the floor,
tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and shoots back under the
bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a bucket. Undeterred, the gibbering thing
nudges the bucket out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment,
then whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor]

KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you realise what this means?

KRYTEN
No, ma’am.

KOCHANSKI
It means you’re a real man.

KRYTEN
It does? Why?

KOCHANSKI
Because now, like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.

KRYTEN
I’m so proud!
Archie, come back!

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
All right, girls? New Canary mission.

KOCHANSKI
What?

GUARD
Un-tamed dino on the loose!

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KOCHANSKI
We’re not going in ’till we know what we’re doing.

RIMMER
That could take years…

[KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand]

KOCHANSKI
You… point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a – a – sperm!
Is that what you want?

CAT
Hell no! None of my suits will fit!

KILL CRAZY
Well, if that gizmo thing don’t work, Captain says we gotta go in and ‘ave
that thing.

BAXTER
And we ain’t usin’ no guns.

KILL CRAZY
Yeah, huns are for wusses. It’s gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

[KILL CRAZY performs a few amateur martial arts moves]

RIMMER
A fistfight with T-Rex..?

KILL CRAZY
Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate… only got little arms, in’t they… ain’t
got no reach… Yeah, I’ll just pick it off…
Bosh!

[KILL CRAZY enthusiastically punches the air a few times]

BAXTER
Can’t reach anyfin’ with them little arms.

RIMMER
That’s probably why they’re always a bit grumpy…

[RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex’s small forearms]

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[The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, scramble along a corridor]

[Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face]

CAT
Oh my god..!

KOCHANSKI
What!

CAT
Something’s wrong!

LISTER
What d’you mean, man??

CAT
Something’s inside me and it wants to get out!

KOCHANSKI
Oh my god!

CAT
Aaaarrggg! Help!!

[Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back.
sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under CAT’s shirt]

RIMMER
What is it??

KRYTEN
I think it’s Archie, sir.

LISTER
It’s who?

KOCHANSKI
He escaped earlier – probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the Cat’s pocket and just woken up.

LISTER
Who the smeg is Archie?

KRYTEN
Oh, don’t be alarmed, sir. It’s just my penis is on the loose.

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KILL CRAZY, BAXTER
Yaaarrrggg!!

[The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER
and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them]

BAXTER
We, want a barny with Barney – don’t want any sane people spoilin’ it…

KILL CRAZY
Death… or glory… yee-harr!

LISTER
Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute…

[BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from Lister, and grunts ineffectually as he
stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue
electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect]

BAXTER
This thing’s useless!

[BAXTER tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder. BAXTER grabs LISTER’s face
and pulls him close to his own. KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER]

BAXTER
Say goodbye to your teeth…

[BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but
then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn’t move. He punches again, with as little effect as his first]

LISTER
Something’s not right… we’re gettin’ our butts kicked and it doesn’t
hurt..?

[BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER’s mouth, still with no effect]

LISTER
See, look, I’m not even bleeding.

[KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER’s gut, then
across his mouth. RIMMER looks at him disdainfully]

RIMMER
You’re right…

[BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries
pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY
tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos
land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER, then
stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them]

[KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand’s control panel]

KRYTEN
According to this, sirs, they’ve put your bodies on a different Time
stream to the rest of you.

BAXTER
Let’s go!

[KILL CRAZY and BAXTER turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching
the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow them]

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