Red Dwarf Full Script Series 8 Episode 8 Only the Good

In the final episode of Series 8 of Red Dwarf, Rimmer knees Death in the happysacks, while a mirror universe complicate getting a cure for a virus.

RED DWARF – SERIES 8

EPISODE 8 — ONLY THE GOOD

[– 1 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————-0:00–]

[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and slices by the camera]

[– 2 – CGI shot —————————————————-0:04–]

[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]

“Lone escape pod from SS Hermes –
Survivors one.

Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe.”

[A pause, then the words ‘by Chameleonic Microbe.’ are deleted, and replaced with:]

“by Chamelionic Mycrobe.”

[A second pause, then ‘by Chamelionic Mycrobe.’ is deleted, and replaced with the much simpler:]

“by shape changing weird space thing.

Non essential electrics all down, including spell checker.

Massage ends.”

[– 3 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————-0:26–]

[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It
approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship’s gravity well]

[– 4 – Model/CGI shot ———————————————-0:36–]

[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]

“6 hours later”

[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery
substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the
large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork
of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]

[– 5 – Int. Captain’s Recovery room ——————————–0:46–]

[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and
white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed
in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and
the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]

HOLLISTER
…Come in…

[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]

HOLLISTER
…Come in…

[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and knocks again]

HOLLISTER
…Come in!…

[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn’t hear me?
Your hot lemon, sir.

[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]

HOLLISTER
God-damn yellow fever. I’ve still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks.

RIMMER
Wasn’t that there before your illness, sir?
Yes, I’m sure it was, because –

[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]

RIMMER
Let me tuck you in, sir.

HOLLISTER
How’s life on probation? Fouled it up yet?

RIMMER
Enjoying it, sir.
Some directives for you to sign, sir:

[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]

HOLLISTER
What’s this ‘Space Core Free Pardon’, exonerating you of all crimes, doing in here?

[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his face]

RIMMER
Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You can’t rely on anyone these days, can you!

[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks to his knees by the CAPTAIN’s bed]

RIMMER
I’m so sorry, sir, it’s just, if I’ve got a record, I’ll never become an
officer and command my own ship; and that’s what I long for more than
anything, sir, to be like you… Maybe thinner, and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you’re the person I admire the most.

HOLLISTER
Another ambition achieved…

RIMMER
You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?

HOLLISTER
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I’m sorry,
you’re just not officer material.

RIMMER
‘Not officer material’, sir??

HOLLISTER
If you wanna take my advice you’ll redirect your energies and find
something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.

RIMMER
Like what, sir?

[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]

RIMMER
So you’re saying I’m never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?

[HOLLISTER croaks words]

[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing
black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]

WOMAN
They said it was okay to drop by…

HOLLISTER
Talia?? We-ll, hi!

[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]

RIMMER
Hi!

[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the CAPTAIN]

HOLLISTER
Ah, Rimmer was just leaving…

TALIA
I can’t believe we’ve run into one another again after all this time!

HOLLISTER
Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look… wonderful.

TALIA
You made Captain; you’ve done so well. Your own ship… wow! I’ve got goosebumps.

RIMMER
The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I
turn it so it’s facing the wall?

HOLLISTER
Dismissed, Rimmer.

RIMMER
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Nothing I can get *you*, ma’am? Tea? Coffee?

[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]

RIMMER
Packet of three..?

[Exit RIMMER]

[TALIA’s eyes widen as she hears RIMMER’s parting words, and the CAPTAIN
glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]

[– 6 – Int. Corridor outside recovery room ——————–Raz–3:34–]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN’s room]

RIMMER
Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.

[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]

RIMMER
He doesn’t see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.

[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of
thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser’s credit slot]

RIMMER
He thinks I’m an imbecile, he really does…

[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]

RIMMER
Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!

[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his
coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over the machine]

DISPENSER
Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar – a choccy-nut bar – has been removed
without payment.

[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser’s speaker-unit]

DISPENSER
A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
Shut up!

DISPENSER
No, shan’t. Alert, alert!

RIMMER
If you don’t shut up, I’ll pour beef soup into your speaker and you’ll
drown.

DISPENSER
Take your hand off m’ speaker then.

RIMMER
Promise to shut up?

DISPENSER
Promise.

[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]

DISPENSER
Ha ha ha haa! I had m’ circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction on floor three-four-one. Alert –

[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN’s directives and stuffs the papers
into the dispenser’s speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-
backed instruction labels that decorate the dispenser over its various slots
and vents and, in an attempt to silence the machine, re-sticks them so that they cover the speaker grille]

DISPENSER
Ooh, I say, you w’ll – you will not get away with this, I may not be able
to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also – I also
know – I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your
taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I’ll hear
your voice again and I’ll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!

[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on his trousers nervously]

RIMMER
I’m really scared! I’m being threatened by a dispensing machine!

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought
with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does not see him approach]

RIMMER
What are you gonna do, leave a horse’s head made out of marzipan in my
bed?
“Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I’m really scared!”

HOLLISTER
Rimmer..?

[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]

HOLLISTER
You forgot your tray…

RIMMER
Thank you, sir.

[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]

DISPENSER
He stole some chocolate! He stole s –

[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back
to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then
thinks better of it and heads back to his room]

[Exit HOLLISTER]

DISPENSER
You are my nemesis… one day, our paths will cross again, and I – I will
*destroy* you…

RIMMER
And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.

[Exit RIMMER]

[– 7 – Int. Corridors circling Floor 13’s central chamber ———-5:30–]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]

[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]

CAT
It’s okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about
me? All that damned rock!
My back’s killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it’s so curved, if you threw
it away it’d come back!
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain’t used to work! But what job do they give me?

KRYTEN
Er, something to do with rocks, sir?

CAT
Exactly. You know what they’ve got me doing? I’ve got to put all the rock
albums on the P.A. system. I’ve got to change those suckers once every
forty-five minutes! I’m a physical wreck!
Probation’s killing me, buds..!

[Exit CAT]

[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN carries]

LISTER
What’s that?

KRYTEN
Oh, it’s just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]

LISTER
What, a calendar?

KRYTEN
Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she
said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.
I’m going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let’s just
leave this whole ‘wrong month’ thing behind us; they were stupid, it was careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion.

LISTER
A little word in your audio receiver:

[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments. They separate]

KRYTEN
And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you
never see this in films or on TV… and men are supposed to be in control of the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

LISTER
Relax, its not a big deal. I’ll tell you what to do and how to behave;
everything. Just trust me.

[– 8 – Int. Cell —————————————————7:05–]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a
double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that
proclaims: “HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD”]

Red Dwarf Have A Fantastic Period

KRYTEN
Ta-daaaa!
Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.

[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with green ribbons]

KRYTEN
A little present ma’am.

[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]

KRYTEN
All gift-wrapped.
I hope I chose the right size…

KOCHANSKI
Dave told you to do this, didn’t he.

KRYTEN

Ohhh, isn’t he wonderful?

KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah. Sometimes he’s so cute I could just eat him.

KRYTEN
He explained everything to me so I wouldn’t embarrass myself.

[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]

KOCHANSKI
Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a
little twirl in it?

[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
Kryten, how can I put this..?

KRYTEN
Is there something wrong, ma’am?

[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]

KRYTEN
He set me up, didn’t he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a woman is having a…

[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]

KRYTEN
Is the banner wrong, too?

[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]

KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah.

KRYTEN
He was lying!
I’ve been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!

KOCHANSKI
Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?

KRYTEN
Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma’am? I realise the next few
days are very special for you. Don’t you want to be playing tennis alot in
tight, white jeans? Wouldn’t want to stop you from doing that. And not forgetting all that blue stuff you’ve got to pour over things.

KOCHANSKI
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!

KRYTEN
Right, here’s my idea…

[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing
exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]

[– 9 – Int. Cell ———————————————-Raz–9:04–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]

LISTER
That’s Holl, he must want something.

[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]

HOLLY [on viewscreen]
Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider
information.
There’s gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.

[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD
Cell inspection in ten minutes.

[Exit GUARD]

[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]

[– 10 – Computer viewscreen —————————————-9:29–]

[HOLLY present]

[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]

HOLLY
Told you.

[– 11 – Int. Cell ————————————————–9:33–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.

[– 12 – Computer viewscreen —————————————-9:37–]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
When it comes to being ahead of the game, I’m your man.

[– 13 – Int. Cell ————————————————–9:42–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of information *way* before it got into the public domain?

[– 14 – Computer viewscreen —————————————-9:48–]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
I’ve hacked into the ship’s computer system; got into the prison log. I’ve
also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in there that’ll make your hair stand on end…

[– 15 – Int. Cell ————————————————–9:59–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER
What stuff?

[– 16 – Computer viewscreen —————————————10:01–]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY
‘Brylcreme’, it’s called. Y’ put it on your head, and it makes your hair
stand on end. Apparently we’ve only got two jars left, so if you need some, let me know.
As soon as I’ve got anything else that’ll be useful I’ll be back.

[– 17 – Int. Cell ————————————————-10:20–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER
See you in about twenty-five years, then.

[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]

[Exit HOLLY]

[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]

LISTER
This little scar’s itchy today. Must be all the dust.

RIMMER
You’ve got a scar? When did you get that?

LISTER
Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out – y’know,
er, “most accidents happen in the home, so be careful” ones? I accidentally stabbed m’self in the head with one.

RIMMER
Where were you?

LISTER
I wasn’t at home, so I didn’t feel stupid or anything.

RIMMER
That’s not a scar, that’s a nick. *That* is a scar.

[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]

LISTER
Where did you get that?

RIMMER
From a fight, years ago. Duel.

LISTER
A duel? You? Get out of town!

RIMMER
Not *a* duel; “Duel”, the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine
attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the
coolest bicycle clips.
I got him back, though. I peed in his mum’s steam iron; he had yellow
t-shirts for a week.

[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]

RIMMER
Why’s that going off?

[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the machine has just printed]

RIMMER
It’s from Kryten: “Look under the draughts board”.

LISTER
Another note…
“Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss
Kochanski. In return, I thought I’d steal Baxter’s stash of illegal hooch
and hide it in… your shower”!
“I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched, and imagining the panic now gripping your soul”!!

[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]

RIMMER
Oh my god!

LISTER
Oh god!

RIMMER
What the hell are we gonna do? We’ve got an inspection in five minutes!
We’re on probation!

LISTER
Down the loo; down the sink.

[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents
into it]

RIMMER
Baxter’s gonna kill us if he finds out we’re doing this!

LISTER
The Captain’s gonna kill us if we don’t!

RIMMER
But Baxter! You’ve seen what he’s like: grizzly bears run screaming from
*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money – he bet his right nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That’s how hard he is.

[A warning light flashes above LISTER’s head]

LISTER
Smeg, the tank’s full!

RIMMER
What’re we gonna do? We’ve still got two bottles left!

LISTER
We’re gonna have to drink it.

RIMMER
Drink it? This Baxter’s hooch, it’s about three hundred percent proof! A bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.

LISTER
It’ll put hairs on your chest.

RIMMER
It’ll put hairs on your lips! It’ll put hairs on your… hairs! It’s
lethal.

LISTER
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get
drinkin’.

RIMMER
Have we got any mixers?

LISTER
You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren’t you. Get it down your gob!

[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle
slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his chair]

RIMMER
What’s it like?

LISTER
It’s okay…

[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to
tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at
the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]

[– 18 – CGI shot ————————————————–13:37–]

[A plain black screen. Text appears:]

“5 minutes sshhlater…”

[– 19 – Int. Cell ————————————————-13:41–]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has
changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking decidedly ill]

[Enter ACKERMAN]

ACKERMAN
In-spec-tion!

[ACKERMAN’s smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at them]

ACKERMAN
On your feet…

[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]

ACKERMAN
Stand by your bunks…

[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive
for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves
upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,
grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in front of the bunks]

ACKERMAN
You’re drunk.

LISTER
Drunk, shir?

[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]

LISTER
No, sir.

RIMMER
Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.

[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]

ACKERMAN
Who fancies a kebab?

LISTER
Oh yeah!

RIMMER
Me, sir, me!

LISTER
Oh smeg… he’s shticked us.

[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and
giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]

LISTER
Musht’ve been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go
back for seconds, sir.

[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN’s shoulder and instantly falls
asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]

ACKERMAN
Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.

[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]

ACKERMAN
Super-suck…

[– 20 – Int. Mess hall ——————————————–15:29–]

[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]

[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]

KOCHANSKI
It’s Baxter…

[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer’s table]

BAXTER
Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and there’s no guards about, this is what’s gonna happen to them…

[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes them in his fists. He giggles insanely]

CAT
You’re gonna squeeze their rolls?
That’s irritating, but hey, in many ways they’ll be quite relieved!

[Exit BAXTER]

KRYTEN
What’ve I done!?

[– 21 – Int. Red Dwarf medibay ————————————16:13–]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.’s]

RIMMER
Uaaahhhhh…

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an
attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,
KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN’s
head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]

Kryten with blue tack on his head

KOCHANSKI
Baxter’s out to mash you – you’ve got to escape. We all have.

KRYTEN
Security’s lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a
ship, well, Bob’s your Skutter!

RIMMER
Where’s the Cat?

KRYTEN
He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.

[– 22 – Int. Mess hall ——————————————–16:40–]

[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from trays]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two
of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious
annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisoners stare menacingly at
CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man previously in the middle of the three prisoners]

CAT
Pass the salt, would you?

[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from
the burly prisoner’s tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,
the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to the prisoner sat at the end of the table]

CAT
That guy there took some of your fries.

[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner
anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT
helps himself to the other man’s tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares at CAT again]

BIG MEAT
What in the hell are you doin’ –

[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT’s haircut]

BIG MEAT
– Shirley?

[CAT glances at the man’s large stomach]

CAT
I’m stealing your fries, fatboy.

[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more
mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to wash them down, then picks up his
sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT’s
hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man’s trifle before tossing the spoon down onto the tray]

CAT
Mmm. This is good. Tasty.

[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]

BIG MEAT
There ain’t no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes you think you can diss me and live?

CAT
Cos things are changin’ ’round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you’re my bitch!

[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who simply stares at him in amazement]

BIG MEAT
Your what?

CAT
B – I – itch, ‘bitch’! That’s what you look like; that’s what you are!
Understand?

[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]

[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]

BIG MEAT
Okay!

CAT
What?

BIG MEAT
Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin’ pug! You want me to be your bitch, that’s *fine* by me! Sir!

CAT
You sure you don’t want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?

BIG MEAT
No, sir! I’m your bitch! From now on I’m your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,
sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan’ make you happy!

CAT
Then hit me!

[CAT offers his jaw desperately]

BIG MEAT
And hurt my baby’s kisser? Nothin’ doin’!

[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away
as much as he can, panic on his face]

CAT
Damn!

[– 23 – Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ——————————Raz–18:52–]

[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]

[Exit NURSE]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT presses himself up against the corner he just entered around, checking
behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It’s easy to see
what he’s worried about – he is dressed in a nurse’s yellow-checked utility
dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER’s
bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes closed, LISTER smiles and raises his head, then grimaces in surprise]

CAT
We can’t hang around, we’ve gotta be out of here by five o’clock!

LISTER
What’s so special about five o’clock?

CAT
Five o’clock’s bed-bath time! And apparently, I’m doin’ them!

[– 24 – Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf —————————-19:20–]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the corridor and the Dwarfers file out]

[– 25 – Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ——————————19:26–]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN
The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes – it’s on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER
How?

RIMMER
The microbe’s chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER
We’ve gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER
But what about our escape?

LISTER
It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they’ve got a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER
You’re just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren’t you?

KOCHANSKI
No, Dave’s right. He’s looking at the big picture.

RIMMER
Yeah, ‘the big picture’ involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

[– 26 – Int. Central chamber, floor 13 —————————-20:01–]

[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As you probably know, we don’t have enough craft for everyone to be rescued, so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there’s an apology about that in the internal mail.

[– 27 – Model/CGI shot ——————————————–20:18–]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and Starbug transport craft stream away]

[– 28 – Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor ——————–20:28–]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN
Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we’re home free!

KRYTEN
We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.

LISTER
Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT
So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER’s wristwatch]
There’s nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.

[– 29 – Int. Recovery room —————————————-20:59–]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on the wall. The mirror ‘ripples’ as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN
If there’s even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That’s something we won’t know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror…]

[– 30 – Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room ———————–21:18–]

[RIMMER present]

[…and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and that its contents have turned white]

[– 31 – Int. Recovery room —————————————-21:22–]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN’s machine, and the beam
of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER, finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]

[– 32 – Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room ———————–21:25–]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there’s nothing he can do]

[– 33 – Int. Recovery room —————————————-21:28–]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN
It’s overloaded! We’ve lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT
At last, things are looking up!

LISTER
How long’s it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN
Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.

[– 34 – Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room ———————–21:39–]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls melodramatically.

There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]

[– 34 – Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ——22:00–]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]

[– 35 – Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room ———————–22:02–]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn’t hear?
Here’s your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the insignias on M.HOLLISTER’s shirt]

RIMMER
Thank you, erm… Private… nobody.

M.HOLLISTER
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER
Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER
A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales loudly]

M.HOLLISTER
Oohhh, I don’t know how that got in there, sir, I, er… I…

RIMMER
Want to be an officer, don’t you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER
Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER
No, I don’t think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly]

RIMMER
Of course, it’s a mirror universe, everything’s opposite…

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER
My God… this is gonna take some getting used to…

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA
They said it was okay to drop by…
You look wonderful…

RIMMER
So do you…
[To M.HOLLISTER:] That’ll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER
Yes, sir.

M.TALIA
You made Captain –

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA
You’ve done so well. Your own ship… wow! I’ve got goosebumps.

RIMMER
So have I!

M.TALIA
Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
her]

M.TALIA
What are you doing!?

RIMMER
I’m giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA
But I’m your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER’s face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER
Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm…

M.TALIA
You French-kissed me!

RIMMER
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I – I – I… urrrgghh…
I’ve been really ill… You’re the Captain’s sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER
Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
Oh, hi, sis! It’s me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol’ lumpy bum down
here and give’us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA’s nose between his fingers playfully
and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA
Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER
Sis! Sister… whoever you are!
Oh, smeg!

[– 36 – Int. Mirror universe, Science office ———————-24:50–]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER
Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI
Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn’t look up from her magazine]

RIMMER
I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI
You’ll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked ‘HAZARD AREA’ mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT
Somebody call?

RIMMER
Professor!?

M.CAT
Yes, Captain?

RIMMER
Perhaps you could help me. What’s this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

The Cat in a mirror universe of Red Dwarf

M.CAT
Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT
Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER
Oh yes? What’s it called?

M.CAT
Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
You look surprised.

RIMMER
I never thought I’d ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT
Certainly.
[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?

[– 37 – Int. Recovery room —————————————-25:36–]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER’s
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light from KRYTEN’s machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER
The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.

[– 38 – Int. Corridor outside recovery room ———————–25:44–]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in panic]

RIMMER
Wha – Where is everyone?

DISPENSER
They’ve repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You’re
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes you Captain – congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER
Smeg off!

(HISSING STEAM, EXPLOSION)

Where are you going?

To make up a formula.

The formula on that paper
has now turned into the formula for the virus.

You’ve left the mirror universe,
so it’s turned back into its opposite. (LAUGHS)

Smeg! You’re right.

– This is a disaster!
– No, there could still be a happy ending.

– How?
– Remember that chocolate bar?

You could pay me back before you snuff it.

How’s that a happy ending?

It’s a happy ending for me.
At least my totals will tally.

Why don’t you smeg off, you annoying
little smeggy, smegging smegger?

Every dog has his day.

And today’s the day…

… that I’m the dog!

Smeg!

(SOARING VIOLINS)

– (HOWLING WIND)
– Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Your life is over.

Come with me.

You will travel to the River Styx
where you will place a coin…

Not today, matey!

Red Dwarf Not Today Matey

Remember – only the good die young.

– (DEATH) That’s never happened before!
– (THUD!)

It’s cold outside,
there’s no kind of atmosphere

I’m all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun