Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 1 Tikka to Ride

Lister travels back in time to get a curry, but ends up getting himself and the red Dwarf crew in trouble in Dallas, 1963.

RED DWARF – SERIES 7 TIKKA TO RIDE

[– 1 – Int. Starbug ——————————————————]

[For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles ‘teaser’.
From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees]

[LISTER present, standing]

LISTER
Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Hello?

 

LISTER
Yeess! Well, here we go.

Ship’s log… erm… one. I’ve decided to keep a journal of life on board
ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity
about myself – in fact I can’t even remember the last time I tried to
urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck – no, wait a minute… Friday. But
apart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I’m practically up there with Abe
Lincoln and Moses.
Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15
years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.
See attached:

[Cut to scenes from Out Of Time…]

RIMMER
Another lock!

 

LISTER
Incoming message…

[The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer]

[Small section of original script edited out from TTR]

FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.)
[…] Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to
be blasted out of the sky…

[Large script chunk edited out of TTR – the ultimatum, discussion and
decision to fight; the Dwarfer’s succesful opening rounds and, as Lister
fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the
feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him
instantly]

 

RIMMER
Cat!!

KRYTEN
…Dead… but there may be a –

 

RIMMER
Kryten… Kryten!

[Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless
mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten’s shoulders, unable or unwilling to accept the truth.]

RIMMER
There may be a *what*? A way out of this? Is *that* what you were gonna
say?? S-Speak, Kryten! *How* can we change what’s happening!?

 

[Cut back to Lister making his recording]

LISTER
We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship –
including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to
have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of their past selves in the present.
Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were
dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in
time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.

 

[Enter KRYTEN]

LISTER
Oh smeg!

KRYTEN
Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??

LISTER
I just thought I’d give it one more go –

KRYTEN
D’oh! That’s the third camera this week! The machines just can’t take it, sir.

LISTER
But I’m only trying to explain why Starbug’s damaged, despite the
timeline being erased; ‘cos this reality’s unstable, and anomalies have merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.

KRYTEN
Oh! Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight
magazine produced by ‘Air Belgium’! Now just state our position and
explain we’re down on supplies.

[Exit KRYTEN]

LISTER
All right! All right!

[Exit Lister]

[– 2 – Model shot ——————————————————–]

 

[– 3 – Int. A Starbug console room—————————————-]

[Console-mounted camera POV. Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER
present, seated in front of console]

LISTER
This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle ‘Starbug’. We’re down on
supplies; we need help. Out.

 

LISTER
By the way, we’re in space. Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days ago, co-ordinates enclosed.

LISTER
It’s about *that* shape. You can’t miss it.

 

[– 4 – Model shot ——————————————————–]

[Starbug flying through space]

LISTER [VO]
Ships log, update: Friday, am. The battle with our future selves has had the most terrible consequences…

[– 5 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ————————————]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot]

LISTER
Wiped out..? Kryten, man, they *can’t* be…

KRYTEN
I’m afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main watertank and
flooded supply deck B. They didn’t stand a chance.

LISTER
Yeah, but surely —

KRYTEN
There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.

LISTER
So, now we’ve got no poppadoms at all?

KRYTEN
No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.

LISTER
I’ll have to survive without them then… I’ll have salads.

KRYTEN
Sir! You’re in shock, you don’t know what you’re saying.

LISTER
After all it’s only curry.

KRYTEN
‘Only curry’? The enormity of it hasn’t sunk in – you must mourn, sir.
Don’t you see? You must mourn.

LISTER
Curries…

KRYTEN
Ohhhh sirr, get it out! Cry like a baby!

LISTER
What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had… made
me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;
no woman, no hope, no curry.

KRYTEN
Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or
advocat. Its a human tragedy!

LISTER
No lager??

KRYTEN
Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.

LISTER
No lager!?

KRYTEN
*All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn’t even any wreckage, no debris, zip.

LISTER
God… a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!

KRYTEN
I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face
all happy and smiling, come rain or shine we’d always make time for curry night. Every Friday.

LISTER
Saturday.

KRYTEN
Sunday.

LISTER
Tuesday.

KRYTEN
Wednesday.

LISTER
Thursday. Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney –

KRYTEN
Those little onions –

LISTER
Dill pickle –

KRYTEN
That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn’t wash out –

LISTER
The red stuff that no-one knows what it is –

KRYTEN
Then a shami kebab starter –

LISTER
Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on
stand-by.

KRYTEN
And two scoops of kofi ice-cream.

LISTER
And two indigestion tablets. Life without curry? Its like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger
without… that Indian bloke.

KRYTEN
Perhaps, you could learn to love… pasta?

LISTER
Pasta. You sick?

[– 6 – Model shot ——————————————————–]

 

[– 7 – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————-]

[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations. CAT and RIMMER each wear a black armband]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.

CAT/RIMMER We heard.

RIMMER
As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o’clock we could have a minute’s flatulence.

LISTER
It’s nothing to you guys, is it? It’s changing my life!

KRYTEN
Sirs – the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that the new structure is stable.

[– 8 – Int. Cargo deck B ————————————————-]

[ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B.
Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed
cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue
construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their
knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.]

CAT
So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we
discovered the Time Drive, right? So what’s to stop us going back on board the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?

RIMMER
We have to avoid all forms of time travel; its the only way of breaking
our destiny line and ensuring we don’t end up like our future selves.

LISTER
Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we’re careful? You know, if we don’t abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we’re sensible and mature.

RIMMER
And do what?

LISTER
Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries.

KRYTEN
Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!

CAT
All your hallmarks, bud!

LISTER
Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our
problems are over.

CAT
*Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning.

KRYTEN
What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutely
always alters the present. Cause, and effect!

LISTER
Look, I’m a curry-aholic! I’ve only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*
*curry*.

RIMMER
We can’t afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where it is.

CAT
You know I’d rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he’s right.

LISTER
Oh *okay*. Okay.

[– 9 – Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ———]

[ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk along another cylindrical corridor]

KRYTEN
Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to
off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?

CAT
How come you need more memory? Over the years, you’ve had more RAM than a field of sheep!

KRYTEN
My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to
sing the Bay City Rollers’ greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most cultural purposes, crooning “Bye Bye Baby” is more than sufficient.

LISTER
This clean up thing – how does it work exactly?

KRYTEN
I simply attach my RAM to the ship’s computer and download the unwanted files into its trashfile.

LISTER Your RAM’s in your head, isn’t it? So you won’t actually be using your body, then?

KRYTEN
Why do you ask?

LISTER
Just interested. Robotics, it’s fascinating, isn’t it.

[ALL exit]

[– 9 – Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters —————————–]

[LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences
it. Accompanied by tense ‘Indiana Jones’-style music, He quickly climbs out of bed and leaves]

[– 10 – Int. A Starbug console room ————————————–]

[KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN’s head, wire still attached, and
sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and screws it on to KRYTEN’s body. KRYTEN’s eyes pop open]

KRYTEN
My heavens – I’m head head!

LISTER
Shh! It’s only temporary.

KRYTEN
I don’t understand.

LISTER
Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said “no way”;
what do *you* say?

KRYTEN
I can’t go behind Kryten’s head; what would he say if he found out? It’s deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.

 

I’m in! Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you’ll have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.

LISTER
Okay, show me how.

KRYTEN
Press the ‘skull release’ catch behind my right ear.

LISTER
Okay, here we go…

 

KRYTEN
My guilt chip.
No behaviour protocols… just call me “bad ass”!!

[– 11 – Model shot ——————————————————-]

[Starbug does a fly-by between two planets]

[– 12 – Int. Starbug Mid-section —————————————–]

[RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a clipboard. KRYTEN stands nearby, with an egg-whisk attachment plugged into his groinal socket]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
Hey, that smells good – what’s for brekkie?

KRYTEN
Waffles, sir! Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the
side, coated in cheese!

CAT
That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!

KRYTEN
Healthy? Who cares?? Pork away!

 

LISTER
So, um, Kryten – now that you’ve had time to think, what about that curry hunt to the 22nd century?

KRYTEN
Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I over-reacted yesterday; on
reflection, I think it’d be quite safe.

CAT
Safe?

RIMMER
What about causality?

KRYTEN
Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: “The laws of time and space? Who gives a
smeg!”

LISTER
Okay, I think what Kryten’s trying to say is —

CAT <pointing, amazed, at KRYTEN> You’re smoking!

KRYTEN
Oh, is my generator overheating again?

RIMMER
A cigarette!

KRYTEN
Do you want one?

RIMMER
Of course I don’t want one!

KRYTEN
Do you want me to go outside?

LISTER
I think what Kryten’s trying to say is that it’s okay to go back in time,
and order a small lake’s worth of vindaloo to go. Isn’t that right?

 

KRYTEN
You bet your ass!

LISTER

Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it! Kryten, can I have a word…

[Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into…>

[– 13 – Int. Starbug galley ———————————————-]

[KRYTEN, LISTER enter]

LISTER
What is *wrong* with you? You don’t smoke, you never say “bet your ass”, and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody’s tea!

KRYTEN
I didn’t get any error commands!

LISTER
Because you’ve got no behaviour protocols, you {spanner?}! Now get a grip or we’ll be rumbled.

[Exit LISTER]

KRYTEN
So uptight!

 

[– 14 – Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 —————————–]

[Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick
their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor]

 

[Exit KRYTEN]

RIMMER
What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?

LISTER
He’s got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It’s only
temporary.

[– 15 – Int. Gemini Engine Room ——————————————]

[They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash
which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12
orbits. A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room]

[ALL present]

LISTER
Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.

[Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the
Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN]

LISTER
Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC building in London. Back table; quiet.

KRYTEN
I’ll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls –

RIMMER
But you’ve used it before?

KRYTEN
Have I?

 

KRYTEN
Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. How stupid of me. Just
programming it now, matey boy.

 

[– 16 – OB. Day. Broadway in an American city —————————-]

[MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and
waving, tickertape filling the air. A large entourage is rolling down the street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo
which has small flags fluttering from its fenders. A well-dressed man sits in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the crowds.

Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind. He has a gun; a high-power rifle, into which he loads a round. He takes careful and steady aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession. Panic breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly re-loads.

He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling
red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people. Two are dressed in silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a
comparitively normal uniform.

One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.

LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed gunman.]

RIMMER
Nice landing, Kryten – that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.

KRYTEN
Apologies, sir, I’m – ah, I’m not sure what I did then.

LISTER
This isn’t right, where are we?

KRYTEN
Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963, and we’re in the city of Dallas.

CAT
How come? Gimme that thing!

 

CAT
I’ve always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds of gizmos…

 

CAT
Hmm, Dallas, ’63 – no doubt about it.

[Scene cuts to outside the building]

 

[Cut back inside]

LISTER
Dallas? Wasn’t that that place where that American king got assassinated?

RIMMER
JFK.

LISTER
No, it was John something – not ‘Jeff Kay’…

RIMMER
J – F – K, not ‘Jeff Kay’, you gimboid; like the airport. I did a paper
on him at school.

LISTER
I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?

RIMMER
The airport was named *after* the president.

LISTER
All right!

[Scene again cuts to outside the building]

 

[Cut back to interior]

CAT
Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?

KRYTEN
Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman’s location was in the ‘Texas Book Depository’.

 

[Cut to Ext.]

 

[Cut back to Int.]

Red Dwarf Series 7 Tikka to Ride

RIMMER
It was probably from this very window!

LISTER
What, do you reckon?

LISTER
Hey, what’s this?
Hey, there’s something on the end of this, giz a hand!

 

LISTER
Pull, everyone, or I’m in trouble!

 

LISTER
Hey, what’s going on down there? What’re all those people doing gathered around that giant pizza?

KRYTEN
That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.

LISTER
It’s 8 foot across, man – don’t you think that’s giant? What kind of
pizza house have you been going to? ‘The FatBastoria’?

CAT
Hey, look at this!

 

CAT
I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!

 

MAN
FBI! Drop the gun!

 

CAT
Don’t shoot!

FBI AGENT
Hands on heads!

<LIATER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much more important groinal area>

FBI AGENT
You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly
tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to
Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.

COP
What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here!

 

LISTER
Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts.

RIMMER
Where are we?

KRYTEN
It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.

RIMMER
At least it’ll give us time to analyse the original error.

<CAT, having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle, crosses to the window and looks out>

CAT
Hey, there’s nobody here, the entire city’s deserted…

[– 17 – OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street —————————-]

[ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which
is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the
side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one of the cars is an discarded newspaper – it’s headline reads: “Millions flee from American cities”. It’s like a scene from The Stand]

LISTER
I don’t understand it, all we did is save Kennedy’s life.

CAT
Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?

RIMMER
He was a fine man.

[– 18 – OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street —————————-]

[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the
previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies
undisturbed on the pavement]

[ALL enter, CAT leading]

CAT
Look!

LISTER
Can you get anything for us from his scent?

 

CAT
Male.

 

Mid-thirties.

RIMMER
It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.

 

KRYTEN
Just processing.

<KRYTEN’s eyes flick quickly over the text>

I’ll re-route the results through my chest monitor:

[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten’s
monitor]

KRYTEN [VO]
“President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia
boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,
Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, ’65.
J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,
who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy.”

LISTER
So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?

KRYTEN [partial VO]
“Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base
in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people fled from all the major cities.”

 

CAT
So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit? Cos I’m telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!

RIMMER
Back to Starbug.

KRYTEN
Starbug isn’t there. It doesn’t exist.

CAT
What?

RIMMER
How come?

KRYTEN
Er, best guess: Kennedy’s impeachment in ’64 traumatised the American nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.

CAT
So we’re marooned.

LISTER
*How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all this.

CAT
But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!

KRYTEN
He was!

RIMMER
He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary. They never came out when he was alive.

KRYTEN
Every man has his weak spot – his ‘Achilles heel’.

RIMMER
Kennedy’s was just, higher up.

LISTER
If I’d known this was gonna happen, I’d have had an egg sarnie, and
finished the Cinzano.
Kryten, what’ve I done, man?

KRYTEN
Well, you’ve brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction, sir. Gum?

LISTER
What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You’ve got about as much
warmth as a service station chip! That’s right, you’ve no behaviour
protocols, have you.

RIMMER
Any you thought causality didn’t matter? Every action we take, has
trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

KRYTEN
Well, I didn’t forget, sir, I just didn’t *care*. I’ve got no guilt.

 

LISTER
Ah. I nicked Kryten’s body. That’s spare head 2; I removed his guilt
chip.

RIMMER
You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century
onwards, you’ve brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all —

LISTER
I know, I know; I *still* haven’t had a curry.

KRYTEN
No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.

RIMMER
Let me see.

 

Do you think its because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

KRYTEN
Ah, no, sir; I’ve just been jabbing it too hard.

CAT
So what now?

RIMMER
We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it. I suggest
we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for some food?

KRYTEN
I’m on my way, sir!

[Exit KRYTEN]

[– 19 – OB. Night. Around a campfire ————————————-]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.
RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched
their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]

RIMMER
It’s hopeless, I can’t fix it. We’re trapped…

 

CAT
Chicken’s good.

LISTER
Yeah, really good.

KRYTEN
That’s not chicken, sir.

CAT
Oh, what is it?

KRYTEN
It’s that man we found.

Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he’d barbecue so beautifully.

RIMMER

KRYTEN
Did I do wrong? I didn’t get any error commands…

Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral
imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me that if
humanoids eat chicken then obviously they’d eat their own species; otherwise they’d just be picking on the chicken.

RIMMER
One minute you’re down, the next you’re right back up again.

LISTER
I said I was enjoying that!

CAT
I knew it didn’t smell right! Oh my god…

LISTER
I’m a cannibal!

<Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the fire. It’s obviously ‘thawed out’>

RIMMER
Look!

CAT
Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted
dead person out of my teeth!

RIMMER
Where to?

KRYTEN
Hawaii. Let’s catch some surf!

LISTER
No, no, we’ve got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the assassination.

CAT
I don’t care where we go, just as long as it’s before we had dinner!

[– 20 – Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ———–]

[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music
plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.]

[Enter OSWALD]

<KRYTEN, with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face>

CAT
Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor.

[Exit OSWALD]

 

KRYTEN
Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they
realise their mistake they’ll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the fourth.

[– 21 – Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ———-]

[ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]

 

LISTER
First shot!

 

[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]

CAT
It doesn’t smell right, I think he’s missed!

RIMMER
How come?

KRYTEN
He’s right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we’ve made the
trajectory of his shot so steep he’s only wounded him.

RIMMER
Let’s start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.

LISTER
We can’t use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.

CAT
We’ve been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl
scratching her butt.

LISTER
If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind that little hill over there covered in lawn…

KRYTEN
You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?

LISTER
That’d solve it, wouldn’t it?

CAT
Shoot the pres?? Who?

RIMMER
You can count me out.

CAT
And me.

[Cut to inside of room]

LISTER
Hang on… maybe, just maybe there’s someone who can get us out of this mess.

RIMMER
Where are we going?

LISTER
Idlewild airport, July, ’65…

[– 22 – OB. Day – A runway at Idlewild airport —————————]

 

[ALL present]

LISTER
This is right. He’s being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.
Give me *five minutes*.

[– 23 – Int. JFK’s prison truck ——————————————]

[JFK present]

[Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]

LISTER
Don’t be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.

[FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]

JOHN F. KENNEDY
I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.
In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan
a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight
congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,
act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies to wreak havoc on our nation.

LISTER
But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir.

KENNEDY
How, ah, can you help?

LISTER
Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.

KENNEDY
You mean, assassinate myself?

LISTER
Yeah! It’ll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they’ll never figure it
out.

KENNEDY
But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get
out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.

LISTER
See this airport, Idlewild airport? In our reality they renamed it ‘JFK’,
after you. Where I come from you’re a liberal icon, and that’s the person
you should be. If you’re gonna be that person, you’re gonna have to
sacrifice your life.

KENNEDY
And only then will my reputation be restored in history?

LISTER
Mm. And I can get a smeggin’ curry.

KENNEDY
Ask not what your country can do for you… ask what you can do for your country.

LISTER
Hey, that’d make a pretty neat speech, that.

KENNEDY
It did. Heh heh.

[– 24 – OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 —————–]

[All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman’s uniforms]

JFK shooting himself in tikka to ride

[MONTAGE. We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald
lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and
JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. Oswald
fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. This time,
however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll – firing his shot
moments after Oswald’s third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty
mess on Jackie O’s suit…

Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable beyond that]

KENNEDY
I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.

 

LISTER
Smeg! I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!

<CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances. CAT makes a subtle gesture with his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there’s only so much you can take of one person… CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently. As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to the ground – the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one with everything they’ve got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in particularly useful…>

[————————- END OF “TIKKA TO RIDE” ————————-]