Two realities collide, and Lister meets Kochanski his ex-girlfriend. Will she be able to rejoin her own crew, or will Kryten have a jealousy meltdown?
Red Dwarf Ouroboros
[– 1 – Int. Empty pub —————————————————-]
[A caption appears on screen:
THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL
NOVEMBER 26th, 2155]
[Enter CUSTOMER]
CUSTOMER
All right? Anyone servin’ or what?
BARMAID [OOV]
With you in a minute, luv.
[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]
[FX: baby sounds]
[Enter BARMAID, appearing behind the metal grating that seals off the bar area]
BARMAID
‘Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?
CUSTOMER
Look at this – a just found it under the pool table.
BARMAID
Any note?
CUSTOMER
No, not’in’.
BARMAID Oh!
They’ve written its name on the side, ‘ere.
‘Our Rob, or Ross’
CUSTOMER
Yeah, look at the way it’s spelt – they must’ve been thicker than a ticket tout’s wad. Couldn’t even decide on a name.
BARMAID
Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what’ll become of ‘im? Som’thin’
terrible, no doubt…
[– 2 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ————————————]
[LISTER present. He appears to be giving himself something of a hygeine overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak
excess ear wax. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing
his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes>
LISTER
I hate doin’ that – I *hate* doin’ that.
LISTER
Smeg! I’ve just sneezed out my cap!
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]
KRYTEN
Just thought I’d change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.
LISTER
Kryten, something terrible’s happenned: I’ve lost my cap.
KRYTEN
No, no, here it is, sir. I’ve just finished giving it its monthly scrape.
LISTER
My *tooth* cap… the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.
KRYTEN
Oh, I see.
LISTER
Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I’ve just got that
needly, pointy thing – I look disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see –
LISTER
No, no – I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
KRYTEN
Let me see, sir. I’m a mechanoid, for goodness’ sake. I won’t be
revolted no matter *how* you look.
LISTER
Okay.
KRYTEN
Oh my god, it’s hideous!
LISTER
Yes, yes, very funny – just fix it.
KRYTEN
It’ll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
LISTER
Oh, gimme some wood glue – you can re-do it in the mornin’.
KRYTEN
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don’t want you to get your lips glued
together, now be careful!
KRYTEN
Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage
lockers.
LISTER
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.
KRYTEN
Well, that’s what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it
out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.
LISTER
Yeah, nice one, Kryts.
KRYTEN
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?
LISTER
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
KRYTEN
I think its nature’s way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a
pair of driving gloves, sir.
LISTER
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they’ve got,
like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those
machines that shine your shoes.
KRYTEN
Curious, isn’t it, that most women aren’t similarly afflicted. Obviously
I’m excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
LISTER
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn’t it. Women have the agony of childbirth
and we have –
LISTER
– this.
LISTER
They don’t know they’re born! They don’t!
LISTER
What is *wrong* with me? Now I’ve got a box of floss attached to my face!
[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER’s dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and dental floss arrangement]
CAT
Heyyy… nice outfit.
LISTER
Did you come in ‘ere for a reason?
CAT
Oh yeah! Something’s showing up on the long range scan which is *weird* with a capital ‘we’.
LISTER
Can you be a tad more scientific?
CAT
Come again?
KRYTEN
Er, is it a ‘wibbly thing’, or a ‘swirly thing’, sir?
CAT
At this early stage I’d hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!
Come see for yourself.
[Exit CAT]
LISTER
‘Wibbly thing’, or ‘swirly thing’, and he refuses to commit himself…
LISTER
He’s losing it, he really is.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[– 3 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————-]
[Deep Space. A dangerous-looking, undulating mass of orange-coloured energy lies ahead of Starbug]
[– 4 – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————-]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]
KRYTEN
It’s some kind of power surge that’s causing a major disturbance in the fabric of Space-Time.
CAT
It’s also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!
LISTER
It’s almost like a tear…
KRYTEN
Perhaps a temporal rift?
CAT
I’m gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.
LISTER
Get real, man – that thing out there’s going faster than a copy of
‘Hello!’ in a nunnery.
[Outside Starbug, we see the rift grow larger as Starbug approaches. Blue space and stars appear to be within it]
KRYTEN
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the ‘eye
of the storm’.
LISTER
Cat –
CAT
Pshhh!
LISTER
Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.
KRYTEN
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I’m picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
[– 5 – Int. Starbug engineering deck ————————————]
[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular
feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, CAT]
KRYTEN
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has
temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of ‘hyperway’, through non-space to a parallel dimension.
LISTER
Let’s have a goosey…
[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]
[– 6 – Int. Within the Way ———————————————–]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal
blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages
to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly
beneath the weight of their steps]
<CAT’s foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm and pulls him up. Revealed beyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>
KRYTEN
Careful, sir. The linkway’s about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who’s got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
CAT
What the hell *is* that?
KRYTEN
‘Non-space’, sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn’t
seem to exist.
LISTER
Sounds like Rimmer’s organ recital night…
[– 7 – Int. Within the Way ———————————————–]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]
P.LISTER
How’s it going?
LISTER
You’re a hologram…
P.LISTER
Hard light.
LISTER
So, in your dimension Lister died?
P.LISTER
In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
LISTER
Well, why didn’t you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?
P.LISTER
Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?
LISTER
I’d taken a couple’a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember…
[We cut to flashback]
[– 8 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————-]
[The Red Dwarf in orbit around Mimas. A shuttle approaches, bringing crew back from shore leave]
[– 9 – Int. Red Dwarf customs area —————————————]
[RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs
area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in series 1/2 time – masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER
stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is
peering down the corridor which is out of shot, and holds a recognition card marked “Smeg head”]
[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]
RIMMER
Where the hell have you been? I’ve reported you as A.W.O.L.
LISTER
I’ve been on shore leave, man. Didn’t you get my message?
RIMMER
You’re supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore
leave, Lister.
LISTER
Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I’ve needed some time on my own, okay?
RIMMER
Kochanski dumped you?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
She really dumped you?
LISTER
Yes!
RIMMER
But you didn’t tell me! You should have told me! Are you really
heartbroken?
LISTER
I dunno, man, y’know.
RIMMER
You are, aren’t you!
LISTER
Okay, yes! Yes!
RIMMER
Didn’t I tell you you’d never bridge that class division? Take her:
navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake
during operas, knows her cheeses. She’s class. And you? What are you?
I don’t mean to sound cruel but in comparison you’re scum. And second-rate scum, at that.
LISTER
Yeah, but remember, I used to be fourth-rate scum – I’ve dragged meself up by my bootstraps, bub.
[– 10 – Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ———————————-]
[Enter LISTER, RIMMER. LISTER steers his trolley through a tightly winding
corridor, lined on both sides by rank after rank of small, iron-doored
lockers]
RIMMER
Listy –
Listy –
RIMMER
Your type isn’t Kochanski, Listy. It’s someone called ‘Tiffany’. It’s
someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;
someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says ‘sumfink’
instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer.
LISTER
This from a man who’s had less sex than a lettuce…
RIMMER
Oh, har har.
LISTER
Rimmer, people who say ‘har har’ have no sense of humour, they just can’t think of a witty retort.
RIMMER
[beat]
Oh, har har.
RIMMER
Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma’am. I don’t suppose you’ve read my proposal for a
new Space Corps. salute? It’s just, I’m trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don’t want to pressure
you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the
overall total of officers who are right behind it up to… one.
KOCHANSKI
Rimmer?
RIMMER
Yes, ma’am?
KOCHANSKI
Have sex with someone and that’s an order.
RIMMER [embarassed]
Yes, ma’am. Right away, ma’am.
LISTER
‘Ere:
LISTER
Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell ’em it’s an emergency.
[Exit RIMMER, flustered]
KOCHANSKI
Hi
LISTER
Mmm.
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to say, look, I’m sorry… for the ‘Dear John’. It was
cowardly.
LISTER
Oh, that! Sorry, I’d completely forgot. It seems like years ago.
KOCHANSKI
It was last week…
LISTER
Was it?
KOCHANSKI
Mm-hmm.
LISTER
Must’ve got over it –
LISTER
– just like that.
[Exit LISTER]
KOCHANSKI
Oh come on, Dave!
[– 11 – Int. Red Dwarf crew locker area ———————————-]
[LISTER present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
It’s just, we weren’t going anywhere!
LISTER
How could we? We never got out of bed.
KOCHANSKI
Look, there’s more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex.
LISTER
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe…
KOCHANSKI
I just wanted to see if we could be friends…
LISTER
Do you mean give it another go?
KOCHANSKI
No, no. I’m, er, back with Tim now.
LISTER
Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and that big white floppy hat…
KOCHANSKI
He’s a chef!
LISTER
Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,
smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.
KOCHANSKI [incredulous]
Do you know what you’ll get for smuggling a cat on board??
LISTER
What, cat-martialed?
KOCHANSKI
I’m serious! As serving N.O. I’m supposed to report this!
LISTER
So report it, get me put into stasis for six months.
KOCHANSKI
Don’t you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?
LISTER [sarcastically]
I was lonely – I’d just been dumped by my girlfriend…
KOCHANSKI
It breaks every reg. in the manual…
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[– 12 – Int. Red Dwarf waste disposal area ——————————-]
[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy paintwork, red lighting and large industrial machinery]
KOCHANSKI
Just don’t get caught or I’m out cold for six months, okay??
[– 13 – Int. Inside the Way ———————————————-]
[Cut back to present time. We are once more within the shimming blue linkway]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]
LISTER
So you didn’t get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?
P.LISTER
Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
LISTER
So what happenned to Kochanski?
P.LISTER
They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.
LISTER
Does that mean…
[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on
board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with
his uniforms) and to her Officer’s status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be
said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged
and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red
catsuit]
<LISTER, suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten himself up, tuggling at the floss dangling from his teeth before finally settling for scooping his dangling strands up into his mouth>
KOCHANSKI
Hi.
LISTER
You look great!
KOCHANSKI
You look pretty amazing yourself…
KOCHANSKI
So in this dimension you didn’t die? You’re an alternate version of
Dave…
LISTER
Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y’know? Honed to perfection by Time and evolution.
KOCHANSKI
I can see why you think that, yeah.
P.KRYTEN
Sirs, er, ma’am, we’ve scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear
self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information.
P.LISTER
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?
CAT
And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can’t open!
KOCHANSKI
There is *something* you could do for us…
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI
At some point I want to have children. It’s a slightly pervy thing to
ask, especiually seeing as we’ve only just met, but perhaps you could –
LISTER
Yeah..?
KOCHANSKI
After all, we’ve been… y’know, lovers… Perhaps you could –
LISTER
Yeah??
KOCHANSKI
Fill this up. It’s a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I’m… already in
there; it just needs your… contribution.
LISTER
So it worked out for you guys, then.
LISTER
Congratulations.
KRYTEN
Gelf ship! Somehow they’ve managed to infiltrate non-space!
P.LISTER
Chris! Give me your hand!
LISTER
Hang on to m’ feet, man!
CAT
It’s gonna give!
[– 14 – Int. Starbug Medi-bay ——————————————–]
[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay’s bed, LISTER anxiously
hovering over her. KRYTEN fires a hypo-spray into her neck them moves away
to study her charts. KOCHANSKI’s eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around LISTER and pulls him close to her]
KOCHANSKI
I thought I’d lost you!
LISTER
I think you’ve mistaken —
KOCHANSKI
Shh!
KOCHANSKI
What were you saying?
LISTER
Forget it…
KRYTEN
Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski’s under the delusion that
you’re —
LISTER
Er, not now, Kryten, man.
KRYTEN
But you don’t understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that
you’re —
LISTER
I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!
KRYTEN
B – Permission to speak, sir?
LISTER
Permission refused!
<Abruptly, KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back. She sits up and looks around>
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute… this isn’t the medi-bay…
LISTER
I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister…
KRYTEN
Well, *that’s* what I’ve been trying to tell you all along, sir!
LISTER
Were you!?
KRYTEN
If only you’d listened to me, I could have saved you from all that
yukkiness.
KOCHANSKI
Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who’d take advantage of a woman who’s half-insensible??
LISTER
I was gonna tell you, honestly! It’s just, they always told me in school
it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.
KOCHANSKI
Wait, you mean I’m *stuck* here with you?
KOCHANSKI
‘Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space’?? No way! I’ve got to get that linkway back!
LISTER
It’s not exactly possible at the moment, we’re under attack.
[Exit LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
[– 15 – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————]
[CAT present, at the helm]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN. They assume stations, KOCHANSKI sitting at the now empty navigaton console]
CAT
It’s back on our tail!
LISTER
What is it?
CAT
Some Gelf battle cruiser.
KRYTEN
They’ve sent a scan, sir. Take a look.
LISTER
Oh my god, it’s the missus.
KOCHANSKI
The what?
KRYTEN
Mr Lister’s Gelf bride.
CAT
We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.
KOCHANSKI
He married this??
CAT
He had to.
KOCHANSKI
You mean..?
LISTER
We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!
KOCHANSKI
You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes’d be out on stalks!
KRYTEN
Wait! They’re opening comms channels –
KRYTEN
Er, sir? They’re demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,
seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-
kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-
aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.
KOCHANSKI
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I’ll lay down an S-S line.
CAT
You’ll *what*, officer B-B?
KOCHANSKI
Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G eight-seven, moving across to quadrant two to Q four-one stroke nine. Just follow my co-ords.
CAT
Your cords?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, my co-ords.
CAT
You want me to follow your cords??
KOCHANSKI
Is that a problem?
CAT
Now, you’re not talking about trousers, are you..?
KOCHANSKI
Co-ordinates…
CAT
Co-ordinates! Thank you!
[– 16 – Action MONTAGE —————————————————]
KOCHANSKI
Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg…
KOCHANSI
They’re right on our tails.
Hold this line… keep holding…
KOCHANSKI
*Keep* holding… lift now!
CAT [grudgingly]
Really snazzy!
[– 17 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ———————————–]
[LISTER present, sprawled on his bed]
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a laundry basket, and his general atitude and
brusque, forceful movements, show that he is obviously agitated about something]
KRYTEN
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski’s ship, sir. We’re fast running out of
time.
LISTER
I know. It’s good, isn’t it!
KRYTEN
No, sir. I don’t believe it is.
LISTER
What, don’t you like her?
KRYTEN
I’m a mere mechanoid, sir. It’s hardly my place to point out what a…
bossy old trollop she is!
LISTER
Good kisser, though.
KRYTEN
She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!
Apparently, he’s quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that’s made him ‘sensitive and caring in a way most men aren’t’.
LISTER
What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several seconds after sex?
KRYTEN
He’s ‘every woman’s dream guy’, sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!
LISTER
Jesus…
KRYTEN
A human male, who’s prepared to have in-depth discussions about…
KRYTEN mimes quote marks in the air with his hands>
KRYTEN
…”relationships”.
LISTER
Eurgh!
KRYTEN
We’re talking about someone about someone ‘quite exceptional’ here, sir.
LISTER
Where does that leave me?
KRYTEN
Well that leaves you trying to help me get her – get her back to her
rightful ship.
KRYTEN
She can’t stay here, sir. She just can’t!
LISTER
Kryten, man, are you okay?
KRYTEN
I just know we’re not going to be able to get rid of her!
[KRYTEN’s voice has dramatically changed – it’s now very high pitched, like he’s on the verge of bursting into tears]
LISTER
Why’s that so terrible?
KRYTEN
She’s gonna take you away from me, I just know it!
LISTER
What??
KRYTEN
I took her a glass of milk while she was showering… *I’ve* *seen* *her*
*naked*!
LISTER
So?
KRYTEN
She’s got all those ‘in and out’ bits that you like…
LISTER
Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me – we’re compadres; amigos.
KRYTEN
But that’s all going to change if she stays! You’ll end up liking her
more!
LISTER
I won’t.
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won’t!
KRYTEN
You will!
LISTER
I won’t! I won’t! I *won’t*!
KRYTEN
You promise?
LISTER
I promise.
KRYTEN
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said
“Oh, make love to me, you horny dude”, and I said, “oh, perhaps you’d prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?” What would you do?
LISTER
[beat]
What kind of sheets would they be?
KRYTEN
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
LISTER
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?
KRYTEN
The green square ones.
LISTER
So, it’s making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?
[beat]
Can I do final fold and stack?
KRYTEN
Absolutely.
LISTER
Well it’d be the sheets, then.
KRYTEN
Oh! She’s standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all
inny and outy?
LISTER
It’ll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.
KRYTEN
Really?
LISTER Too true.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You’re lying!! You’re just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why
can’t she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn’t have any in-and-out bits, hardly at all.
LISTER
There’s no one I care more about than you, okay!
KRYTEN
I’d never dump you like she did! Never!
LISTER
It’s not gonna change.
KRYTEN
Never?
LISTER
Never.
KRYTEN
[beat]
You’re lying!!
LISTER
I’m *not* lying!!
KRYTEN
Yes you are! I’m gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the
Nova 5!
LISTER
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nevertheless…
KRYTEN
But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus.
LISTER
They all died of old age!
KRYTEN
You see!?!
[– 18 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]
[Starbug flies by a planet]
[– 19 – Int. Starbug Cockpit ———————————————]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
I thought I’d, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of
here.
KOCHANSKI
I’ve got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can’t
re-establish the linkway. I’m sure it’s something to do with electro-
magnetic phasing frequencies.
CAT
You took the words right out of my mouth!
KRYTEN
Have you tried inverting the signal?
KOCHANSKI
We’ll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
CAT
I’ll take care of that! … Whatever it is.
KRYTEN
It’s the, er, big red button, there, sir.
[Exit KRYTEN]
[– 20 – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————–]
[KOCHASNKI, KRYTEN present, each seated at the scanner table and tapping on portable terminals]
[Enter CAT, leaning against the cockpit hatch]
CAT
Hey, officer Bud-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?
Taken care of.
[Exit CAT]
KOCHANSKI [pensively]
You don’t like me, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma’am?
KOCHANSKI
You don’t, do you?
KRYTEN
Ma’am, I think it’d be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway.
KOCHANSKI
But why —
KRYTEN
Please!
KOCHANSKI
I mean —
KRYTEN
Ma’am!
KOCHANSKI
I need to know why!
KRYTEN
Do you indeed?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
KRYTEN
Well, you’re not good enough for him! That’s all. Okay, he may walk
around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn’t need the
likes of you swapping dimensions like there’s no tomorrow, and bewitching
him with all your… in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
You’ve got big problems, you know that?
KRYTEN
Well, at least I don’t have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.
KOCHANSKI
Ha! Have you seen the way *you* walk??
KRYTEN
I have a perfectly sensible walk!
KRYTEN
At least I don’t walk like this:
KOCHANSKI Phaser frequency four-three-four – we’ve got it back!
KRYTEN
What? You’re right, that’s it!
KOCHANSKI
I can leave!
KRYTEN
You can leave!
[– 21 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]
[A dimensional rift in space, with the undulating blue umbilical of a
Linkway]
[– 22 – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————–]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
Champagne, everyone! If this doesn’t deserve a celebration, I don’t know what does!
CAT
What are we celebrating exactly?
<KRYTEN, standing to the side of and just behind KOCHANSKI, gestures toward her with his head and mouths ‘She’s leaving!’ KOCHANSKI turns to the mech who instantly smiles warmly at her>
KRYTEN
You’ve found your crewmates at last – how wonderful!
KOCHANSKI
Thanks, Kryten…
KRYTEN
I must go and find the others.
[Exit KRYTEN, skipping happily]
[– 23 – Int. Gantry within Starbug —————————————]
[LISTER present]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
This is for you.
Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and… bingo.
KOCHANSKI
Wow…
LISTER
Our child…
KOCHANSKI
I’ll… you know.
LISTER
I know.
KOCHANSKI
As soon as it’s old enough I’ll tell it all about you –
LISTER
Just make it understand why I’m not there, I don’t want it ending up like me.
KOCHANSKI
What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no explanation…
LISTER
I think that’s why I spent most of my early life drifting, y’know? I
didn’t have anything to look to cos I didn’t know who I was, where I came
from. Just those two names they couldn’t decide on calling me; ‘Rob’ or ‘Ross’.
KOCHANSKI
Well… I’ll look after it. You know I will.
LISTER
Yeah, I know.
[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry railing]
KRYTEN
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here…
[– 24 – Int. Starbug cargo bay ——————————————-]
[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings
it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
LISTER
See ya…
KOCHANSKI
Bye.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
[Enter CAT, struggling with a large box. LISTER takes one of the handles
and they hold it between them]
LISTER
What’s this?
CAT
Supplies from Bud-Babe’s ship.
LISTER
No, *this*
KRYTEN
Well, it’s the symbol for ‘infinity’, sir. The snake, eating it’s own
tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no
beginning or end.
LISTER
What’s it doing on ‘ere?
KRYTEN
The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;
everlasting.
LISTER
Ourobo-what??
KRYTEN
Ouroboros, sir – it’s the name of the symbol.
CAT
What is it, bud?
LISTER
Ouroboros… It wasn’t ‘Our Rob or Ross’, it was Ouroboros..!
CAT
What was?
LISTER
The message that was written on the side of my box!
CAT
You came in a box? That explains everything.
LISTER
I know who my parents are… I know who I am… I understand, now!
KRYTEN
Explain, sir!?
LISTER
The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski’s got. The frozen embryo – it’s
me! At some point after the baby’s borm we must go back in time and leave
me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box
to explain! I’m my own father… and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!
CAT
You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it’d get
printed.
LISTER
I’ve gotta get that test tube back.
[LISTER sprints out after KOCHANSKI, CAT and KRYTEN following]
[– 25 – Int. The Way —————————————————-]
[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, P.CAT present]
[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]
LISTER
Mum! Wait!
KOCHANSKI
What?
LISTER
I need the in-vitro tube! It’s me!
[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]
KOCHANSKI
It’s what??
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
The Gelfs are back!
LISTER
What are you doing?
KOCHANSKI
I’m gonna jump!
CAT
You’ll never make it!
LISTER
Chris, no!!
P.LISTER
Christine!!
KRYTEN
We’ve lost her, sir.
LISTER
No.
No!
P.LISTER
Christine!!
<LISTER’s communicator suddenly emits a bleep. He fumbles it out>
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Hi, it’s me.
LISTER
Hi –
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I’ve decided to stay; just, one proviso –
LISTER
Yeah?
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
Save my life, okay?
[– 26 – Int. Starbug cargo bay ——————————————-]
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids off containers as quickly as possible]
LISTER
Cargo bay; looking now!
LISTER What’s this??
KRYTEN
It’s mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski’s ship, sir.
LISTER
A crossbow?
KRYTEN
I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
You’ve got about 20 seconds before I’m out of reach!
CAT
Rope?
LISTER
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[LISTER sprints OOV]
[– 27 – Int. The Way —————————————————–]
KOCHANSKI [Mic.]
I’m getting a *mite* panicky, here..!
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Aaarg!
KOCHANSKI
Bastard!
KRYTEN
It’s an obscene phone call, sir. I think it’s for you.
[– 28 – Int. Starbug medi-bay ——————————————–]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
KRYTEN
I’ve brought you a drink, but don’t think for one minute it means I’ve
gone all mushy on you.
KOCHANSKI
I’m gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.
KRYTEN
It’s too late ma’am, the rift’s self-repaired…
[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]
KRYTEN
We’re *stuck* with you!
KOCHANSKI
I’m gonna try, *anyway*.
KRYTEN
Oh, ma’am –
KOCHANSKI
Yes, Kryten?
KRYTEN
Welcome aboard…
KOCHANSKI
Thanks, Kryten.
[– 29 – Int. An empty pub ————————————————]
[The scene is an old, circa 22nd century English pub, in the foreground is
a zero-g pool table. A flash of red lighting arcs down to the floor and
LISTER appears, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in blankets. A single word written in black marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: ‘Ouroboros’]
[A caption appears on screen and reads: “EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER”]
LISTER [to baby]
For a long time, you’ll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren’t*,
man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us going ’round and ’round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.
We’re like… a kind of ‘holding pattern’.
LISTER
I’ll see ya, son.
<Quietly, LISTER approaches the pool table and, bending down, gently slides the box underneath. He steps away>
END OF “OUROBOROS”
Full Episode List For Series 7 Red Dwarf
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 1 Tikka to Ride
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 2 Stoke me a Clipper
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 3 Ouroboros
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 4 Duct Soup
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 5 Blue
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 6 Beyond a Joke
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 7 Epideme
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 8 Nanarchy