Dave Lister has been getting the blues, and it’s all because Arnold Rimmer left. Though he never considered himself to be friends with the hologram, Dave finds that he is actually missing him. He remembers old times and even had a dream about him being nice! Cat, Kochanski, and Kryten each have their own unique remedy to Dave’s very unusual problem.
RED DWARF – SERIES 7
EPISODE 5 — BLUE
[– 1 – Int. Starbug ——————————————————]
[LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots]
[Enter KRYTEN]
<KRYTEN, noticing what LISTER is doing, stands surprised for a moment before speaking>
KRYTEN
Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies?
LISTER
I’m not eatin’ that spicy stuff any more.
KRYTEN
Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like a – a – zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open.
May I ask why?
LISTER
Apart from anything else it makes y’ breath smell like a lift full of senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.
KRYTEN
Well, that’s never bothered you before, sir..?
LISTER
Well it bothers me now, okay??
KRYTEN
It’s because of *her*, isn’t it… ‘she who must be drooled over’…
LISTER
You mean Kris?
KRYTEN
Whatever *my* feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty criticisms of fellow crewmembers.
There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream…
LISTER
‘The salad cream’..?
KRYTEN
I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the fridge. Then *she* comes on board, and – lo and behold! – it turns up back in the cupboard!
LISTER
The first moon we come to – let’s dump her!
[– x – Int. Starbug corridor ———————————————]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
And what about the extra laundry? Now there are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras; skimpy vests; little socks – tut, it’s a massive extra workload! Frank is very upset.
LISTER
Frank?
KRYTEN
The washing machine. I named him Frank, he works better with an identity.
And what about the ironing? I mean, *how* do you iron a bra??
LISTER
Well, you’ve gotta take it off first…
I spent years practicing that – used to put m’ nan’s bra around the armchair until I could unhook it with m’ left hand. Even now, whenever I see a {Parker nol??} I get horny.
[– x – Int. Starbug Mid-section ——————————————]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way I’ve found is to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there. Believe me, on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload.
LISTER
Cup.
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir?
LISTER
They’re not called containers, they’re called cups.
KRYTEN
See? I even have to learn new terminology, special *female* terminology:
‘cups’, ‘pot pourri’, ‘depillatory cream’ – oh! It’s never-ending.
LISTER
How come you don’t know what bras are? What about the women on the Nova 5?
KRYTEN
Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie database. I didn’t see there’s be much call for it, unless we had a fancy dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.
LISTER
Anyway, you can relax, Kryten. She programmed the scan probe last week, and it’s returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear. This time tomorrow she;ll be back in her own dimension.
KRYTEN
Well you’re surely not upset, sir?
LISTER
Look, if you’ve got a problem with *her*, say something to *her*.
KRYTEN
I think I will!
LISTER
There’s no point whinging to me about it, say it to *her*.
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Hi guys, how’s it going?
KRYTEN
Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma’am! Sleep well?
LISTER
Coward.
KRYTEN
Hypocrite.
KOCHANSKI
Erm, not great, actually. Had this really weird dream about a monkey being stretched across a tennis court… noise was just unbearable…
Where you practising the guitar again last night?
KOCHANSKI
So, what’s for breakfast?
KOCHANSKI
Ah, what’s this doing in here?
KRYTEN
Hold me back! *Hold* me back!
[– x – Model shot ——————————————————–]
[– x – Int. Sleeping quarters ——————————————–]
[LISTER, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
Don’t you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps. drill could put our lives in jeapardy!
LISTER
She was only drying her tights on the radiator!
KRYTEN
That’s the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day it’s drying tights, the next we’re spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun!
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
KOCHANSKI
Er, sorry to interrupt, but we’ve got a couple of problems: all the hazard-approach lights are flashing –
KRYTEN
All of them?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from “we’re under
attack”, to “the baked potatoes are burning”.
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Either way, it’s serious.
[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]
[– x – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————-]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]
CAT
Getting a reading… There’s something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.
KOCHANSKI
It’s a phasing comet – velocity 25,000mps.
CAT
That’s what I said!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my back’s turned, the sald cream gets warm.
KOCHANSKI
Heading straight for it’s tail – plotting avoidance course.
LISTER
What’s the problem with going through it? It’ll get you home quicker.
KOCHANSKI
Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart, turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad!
CAT
Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins?
KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Tins…
CAT
Maybe we should go around..?
LISTER
We’ll make it – we’re a crew – we’ve been through a few things. Remember
when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II?
CAT
The one that nearly killed us?
LISTER
No, the other one!
Look, we can make it, okay?
KOCHANSKI
Do you *know* what a comet is made of?
LISTER
Are you suggesting that I don’t know what a comet’s made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
Well I do.
KOCHANSKI
So what’s it made of?
LISTER
What’s it made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes.
LISTER
You wanna know what it’s made of?
KOCHANSKI
Yes, I do.
KRYTEN
Ma’am, he knows what it’s made of.
KOCHANSKI
What??
KRYTEN
Sir, tell her for goodness sake!
KOCHANSKI
So, what’s it made of?
LISTER
I see – I see… Gas. Some kind of gas.
KOCHANSKI
Some kind of gas??
LISTER
Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it’s called, some gassy type of gas.
KOCHANSKI
It’s made of *ice*.
LISTER
Exactly! An icey type of gas, that’s what I said: ice, an ice gas.
CAT
I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit
us in about forty-five seconds!
LISTER
I was only tryin’ to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear
quicker! So you could get home to your much better Lister.
KOCHANSKI
And I’m just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like some kind of cosmic seasoning!
CAT
Here it comes!
KOCHANSKI
That wasn’t forty-five seconds!
CAT
Oh – sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! Will people not leave that in here?? It just makes us look like we don’t know what the hell we’re doing! [comet hit]
CAT
Lateral trimmers not responding! It’s like wrestling in treacle!
KOCHANSKI
You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle!
CAT
No, I said they were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in —
Anyway…
LISTER
Damage report, Kryten.
KRYTEN
Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited —
CAT
And the chocolate dispensers’ ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto the gallery floor!
[model shot]
LISTER
What’s happenned to the stabalisers?
CAT
Never mind the stabalisers! Where’s the hair mousse?
KRYTEN
Stabalisers very unstable…
CAT
Thirty snack bars sliding about!
LISTER
I’m taking over control!
LISTER
Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have *control*.
KOCHANSKI
It’s called the pre-fold vaccum; we’re in-between vapour streams. With a bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.
[the second wave hits]
KOCHANSKI
Or maybe not!
If we don’t turn around and go back we’ll disintegrate in two minutes!
LISTER
Kryten?
KRYTEN
That’s a little pessimistic, sir, I’d say more like three!
LISTER
I think we should turn around…
LISTER
Pheww…
Well, go on, say it.
KOCHANSKI
Say what?
LISTER
You know what you want to say. Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You want me to say it?
LISTER
Say it.
KOCHANSKI
You *really* want me to say it?
LISTER
Go on, say it!
KOCHANSKI
All right. My Dave would *never* have endangered our crew like that.
LISTER
You *had* to say it, didn’t you.
Will you stop calling your boyfriend ‘Dave’, he’s just an alternative
version of me from a prallel dimension. He’s not ‘Dave’, he’s the anti-Lister.
KOCHANSKI
Well, whoever the hell he is, I’m not gonna get to see him. By the time
we fix this *mess* I’ll have missed the Linkway!
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked…
CAT
According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked ‘cos we were carrying too much weight.
KRYTEN
It’s Miss Kochanski’s *laundry*; why will no one listen to me? Those little whirly things are heavier than they look!
CAT
Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be
jettisoned?
LISTER
I’ll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air…
KRYTEN
Er, sir… you didn’t *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss
Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?
LISTER
No! ‘Course not!
Look, I’m gonna check out the hold. Rimmer, man, you comin’?
LISTER
Did I say..? Why did I call you ‘Rimmer’? I called you ‘Rimmer’, my god!
Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself all day?
CAT
You mean I have a choice??
LISTER
Come onnn…
Can’t believe I called you ‘Rimmer’…
[– x – Int. Sleeping Quarters ——————————————-]
[KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
Yesss?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma’am, I was wondering if I might go through a few ‘rules of the ship’?
KOCHANSKI
Like what..?
KRYTEN
Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not* in the
cupboard.
Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks drawer. Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple principle obviously needs re-stating…
KOCHANSKI
Talking of my clothes, I’d like you to explain why my bras come back from the laundry shaped like… like… your *head*..?
KRYTEN
Three: The toilet seat fiasco —
KOCHANSKI
Kryten! I just don’t want to hear this!
KRYTEN
Mr Lister hasn’t said anything, but I can tell he’s *not* happy…
KOCHANSKI
Well he’s not the only one! Do you think I *like* flying around space in this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship?? And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who’s completely obsessed with my pants drawer!
KRYTEN
You mean I’m not alone..? Oh, I see. You mean me.
Well, just as long as we understand one another!
[Exit KRYTEN]
KOCHANSKI
Ohhh, *god*. Welcome to hell…
[– x – Int. Cargo hold ————————————————–]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Look at these… Rimmer’s old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of his shoes. Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree,
Weden-shoetree…
CAT
What the hell for?
LISTER
So they all spent the same ammount of time in his shoes.
CAT
Tsh. What a smeg head…
LISTER
Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now that he’s gone, I can see them for what they were…
CAT
Cretinous.
LISTER
No… they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer… speecial. He was unique.
CAT
Yeah… irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of a visible pantie line!
Well, we may as well start somewhere. These can go!
LISTER
No, no, you can’t throw *them* out. They’re from when me and Rimmer played gold on Treka XVI. We had a lot of fun.
CAT
You had *fun* with Rimmer??
[DISSOLVE: LISTER’s flashback]
[– x – Ext. Planetscape ————————————————]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present]
KRYTEN
I’m afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs. It *is* a very small planetoid. Er, taking into consideration the thiness of atmosphere, sir, I’ve made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.
KRYTEN
Oh, good *shot*, sir!
LISTER
Heyyy, watch this – watch and weep…
LISTER
Ohh, smeg!
KRYTEN
Ooh, I – I think it’s gone into orbit, sir.
RIMMER
Tough luck, Listy – I’ll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones!
[Exit RIMMER]
LISTER
Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin’ into Poland.
LISTER
‘Eyy, this is Rimmer’s ball, isn’t it?
KRYTEN
It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.
LISTER
Well, no point botherin’ him about it, Krytie, let’s go.
[– x – Int. Blue Midget cockpit —————————————–]
[LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching planetoid surface on a monitor]
RIMMER
It must be here, somewhere! I’ve been ’round the planetoid twice!
LISTER
No ball, no bet, man – keep lookin’.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[– x – Int. Cargo hold ————————————————–]
[LISTER, CAT present]
LISTER
Memories like that are just too precious to throw away…
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Hello there, sir, how’s it going?
CAT
We’re getting nowhere, bud. He won’t throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.
LISTER
You don’t know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.
Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found.
[DISSOLVE: LISTER’s flashback]
[– x – Int. Red Dwarf locker-room ————————————–]
RIMMER
I don’t trust you, Lister… this game’s rigged. Every time we play it, you win. Last time, you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted tampons that glow in the dark.
Right, well I’ll go first this time.
LISTER
Okay.
RIMMER
No, you can go first…
LISTER
Okay, I’ll have sixty-eight.
RIMMER
Ah-a-a-a-a. *I’ll* have sixty-eight.
LISTER
Fine…
RIMMER
Er – you can have it.
LISTER
Why??
RIMMER
I know that you chose *that* one because you think that I think that you’re cheating; so I’ll have it, and it’ll be useless. Ahhhhhhh, I’m not gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it.
LISTER
To smart for me, man…
LISTER
‘Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and ‘eyyy, a nude wrestlin’
video! “Baked bean bombshells Volume 12”.
RIMMER
Right! Well I’ll have… *that* one. Number fifty-eight.
LISTER
Okay…
RIMMER
What the hell was that??
LISTER
There’s a note… “People who break into lockers deserve everything they get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball”.
Sounds like they know you.
[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]
[– x – Int. Cargo hold ————————————————–]
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]
LISTER
See what I mean? We had fun, it was great. We had *fun*.
KRYTEN
I’ll put the rubber room on standby, sir…
[– x – Model shot ——————————————————-]
[– x – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————]
[LISTER present]
[Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace’s flightsuit]
LISTER
About time, Cat, you’re late. Now, where’ve you been?
RIMMER
Hello, Listy.
LISTER
Rimmer..? Smeggin’ ‘ell! What’re you doin’ ‘ere?
RIMMER
I got fed up with adventuring… you know what it’s like: you save a
couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit… samey.
I thought I’d come and find the old team.
LISTER
It’s good to see you.
Are you real?
RIMMER
I’m as real as you can get, being a hologram.
LISTER
So… where’ve you been?
RIMMER
Argon 5. I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated, and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.
Nahh, I’m only kidding.
LISTER
Kiddin’? What do you know about kidding?
RIMMER
I just thought it was time I livened up a bit!
RIMMER
Hey hey!
<RIMMER’s sobriety returns>
RIMMER
So, er, how about you? How’s it going?
LISTER
Ahh, y’know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space.
RIMMER
I, erm, I hear you’ve got a new crewmember?
LISTER
Yeah, Kochanski.
RIMMER
What’s she like?
LISTER
She’s okay, y’know?
RIMMER
Is she… as good as me?
LISTER
Well, she’s been here a few weeks and she hasn’t quoted one Space Corps.
directive…
RIMMER
She’s pretty attractive though, isn’t she?
LISTER
Is she? I hadn’t really noticed. She’s the type you don’t really notice.
When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don’t notice it? Mm, she’s like that.
RIMMER
So, she’s… not as attractive as me, then?
LISTER
Don’t be daft… she couldn’t hold a candle to you, man.
RIMMER
Nah, you’re just saying that.
LISTER
I’m not.
I missed you, man.
RIMMER
And I’ve missed you too, Listy.
LISTER
Ohh, Arnold, man…
RIMMER
Dave…
LISTER
Don’t ever leave us again!
RIMMER
I won’t!
LISTER
You promise?
RIMMER
Ohh, Listy…
LISTER
Ohh, Rimsy…
[The instant their mouths lock, cut to…]
[– x – Int. Sleeping quarters ——————————————-]
[LISTER present, lying in bed]
LISTER
Yaaaaarrrggh!!
LISTER
Aaargh! Get off! Get off!!
LISTER
Ohh, just a dream… thank god for that! It was just a dream…
[– x – Model shot ——————————————————-]
[– x – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————]
[CAT, KRYTEN present]
KRYTEN
And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer;
have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out?
CAT
You mean, you’ve seen her pants??
[– x – Model shot ——————————————————-]
[– x – Int. Starbug medi-bay ——————————————–]
[KRYTEN, LISTER present]
LISTER
You’re right Kryten, I must be losin’ it, or I’d never be dreaming stuff like *that*. Kissin’ Rimmer..? I’d rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine at Reading festival!
KRYTEN
I’m sure this will help, sir, I’ll just insert my hypno-therapy disk…
KRYTEN
Now, just relax…
LISTER
What the hell???
KRYTEN
Sorry, sir! Wrong disk – that was my German language course; an extract
from Hitler’s Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right
way… I’ll just go and find the proper one.
[Exit KRYTEN]
[Enter KOCHANSKI]
LISTER
What are you doin’ in here?
KOCHANSKI
Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I’ve ever experienced… Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.
LISTER
Listen, for what it’s worth – I’m sorry you missed getting back to your
Dave. ‘The hologrammatic hunk’.
KOCHANSKI
That’s okay; I’m sure there’ll be another chance for you to cock it up
again.
LISTER
Suppose you must be missin’ him?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, I am a bit.
LISTER
I know what it’s like to miss someone. The way they talk, the way they laugh –
KOCHANSKI
Heh, I know.
LISTER
The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot Street station.
KOCHANSKI
N-no, you’ve lost me there…
So you’re missing Rimmer??
LISTER
Had a dream about him, but he was different. All smiles and jokes and…
stuff.
KOCHANSKI
I thought you guys didn’t get on?
LISTER
We didn’t, that’s what’s so weird! His tidyness drove me crazy, the way he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish.
KOCHANSKI
Did he have *any* redeeming features?
LISTER
No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.
KOCHANSKI
So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway?
LISTER
Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad!
KOCHANSKI
So, now he’s gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying to help you?
LISTER
If he was trying to help me, why didn’t he… lighten up a bit? Be happy?
KOCHANSKI
Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane? But when he appeared in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. A Rimmer who didn’t nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.
LISTER
You’re saying I had him all wrong?
KOCHANSKI
Wasn’t your *fault*… you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.
LISTER
I didn’t know…
LISTER
You know what I should do? I should throw everything away, and make a new
start.
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Ahh – sorry Miss Kochanski, ma’am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick*
people only; surely you haven’t broken out in a confusingly-filed pants
rash?
KOCHANSKI
Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a
mechanoid’s rectal cavity?
KRYTEN
Not off hand, ma’am, but I could research it?
KOCHANSKI
I’d start right now if I were you…
[Exit KOCHANSKI]
KRYTEN
Okay, sir, now… just relax…
LISTER
It’s all right, Kryten. I’ve talked things through with Kochanski, I’m
feeling a lot better.
KRYTEN
Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn’t it. Turn my back for five
minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you!
LISTER
She was only trying to help…
KRYTEN
It’s not the help I mind, sir, it’s the fact that she succeeded!
[– x – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————–]
[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open. Seeing as Kris is with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game – and as you’re a bit sensitive, we’re not gonna have any games that involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff.
CAT
Well that takes care of most of the repertoire!
Where’s Kryten??
LISTER
I dunno, he should be here.
Okay Kris? Name your game…
KOCHANSKI
All right! I choose… ‘The Magic Flute’!
LISTER
What’s that? Sort of ‘Musical Chairs’?
KOCHANSKI
No, it’s an opera… ‘Magic Flute’? Okay, we each hum a section of an aria, and the others have to guess which character is singing.
CAT
That’s a game?
LISTER
It’s more like medieval torture…
KOCHANSKI
No, it’s really good, ‘cos, you can, like, throw each other off the
scent! Once, Dave – my Dave – he sang The Birdcatcher’s Song in the
*German* translation, and it was *hilarious*! We all, like, totally fell
about!
LISTER
You fell about?
KOCHANSKI
Yeah!
LISTER
What, were you going through a meteor storm?
KOCHANSKI
So what games do you play, then? ‘Match the Bodypart to the Crewmember’?
CAT
I always love that one!
KOCHANSKI
‘Armpit Name That Tune’? ‘Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole in the Curtain’?
CAT
Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?
[Enter KRYTEN]
KRYTEN
Games night is cancelled; if you’ll all kindly follow me to the AR suite,
I have something – I think – might amuse…
[Exit ALL]
[– x – Int. AR Suite —————————————————-]
[ALL present]
KRYTEN
I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly
more effective than Miss Kochanski’s psychobabble…
[– x – Int. AR sim ——————————————————]
[ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a roller-coaster car.
There is no discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground- styled double-doors just ahead of their car. Lightbulbs flash gaily over the doors, upon which is stencilled “The Rimmer Experience”]
KRYTEN
It’s a museum to Mr Rimmer’s memory; I made it myself. If anyone finds they are missing him, they can relive those great moments – it’s all in there: the man, the memories, the personality.
CAT
The ego…
KRYTEN
Yes – I had to scale that down quite a bit.
LISTER
How did you compile all the exhibits?
KRYTEN
Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer’s diaries; he kept meticulous records of life on board ship.
Enjoy!
[Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless track]
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience. A place of wonder, excitement, and…
wonder.
You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J. Rimmer was a deeply remarkable man…
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer had to dice with death on a daily basis.
LISTER
What??
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew
together:
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
No it isn’t Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken
fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN
You’re quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an elementary mistake? As usual.
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
It’s at times like these that I get really scared!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet m’ keks!
LISTER
That never happenned! I swear that never happenned!
LISTER
I feel sick!
KRYTEN
I’m sorry, sir, it *is* a bit bumpy.
LISTER
Nah, it’s what I’m *seeing* that’s making me sick!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER
So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry-
twill trousers, you can be dignified *and* fashionable at the same time.
CAT
Let me at him! I’m gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I
am? A woodwork teacher?
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT
Say, Rimmer’s a really great guy, isn’t he! I don’t know what we’d do
without him!
RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER
I owe my life to him!
LISTER
Get me out of here!
KRYTEN
Wait a minute; here comes the best bit…
RIMMER EXPERIENCE
If you’re in trouble he will save the day,
He’s brave and he’s fearless come what may,
Without him the mission would go astray…
He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would be much grimmer,
He’s handsome, trim, and no-one’s slimmer,
He will never need a Zimmer.
He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden strimmer,
He’s never been mistaken for Yul Brynner,
He’s not bald and his head doesn’t glimmer.
Master of the wit and the repartee,
His command of Space Directives is uncanny,
How come he’s such a genius? Don’t ask me…
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
He’s also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
then he just might come ’round for dinner.
[– x – Int. AR sim ——————————————————]
[The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the other side of ‘The
Rimmer Experience’. A second set of double-doors mark the exit, and these
crash open to disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a
violent halt just outside the doors]
[ALL present]
LISTER
I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded
smegger in my entire life!
KRYTEN
Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!
[—————————– END OF “BLUE” ——————————]
Full Episode List For Series 7 Red Dwarf
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 1 Tikka to Ride
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 2 Stoke me a Clipper
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 3 Ouroboros
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 4 Duct Soup
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 5 Blue
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 6 Beyond a Joke
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 7 Epideme
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 8 Nanarchy