Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 2 Stoke me a Clipper

Ace Rimmer makes an appearance, and all of a sudden our Rimmer is faced with the daunting prospect of becoming a hero for the entire universe.

RED DWARF STOKE ME A CLIPPER

[– 2 – Int. Aeroplane. Day ———————————————–]

[Inside the cockpit. Given the uniforms of the visible crew and passengers,

the plane appears to belong to the German army]

[GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking a

large alligator which lays across his lap]

GERMAN CAPTAIN

Where is the girl?

GESTAPO OFFICER

In five minutes she’ll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain.

CAPTAIN

Good. And the erstwhile protector?

GESTAPO

In ze cargo hold.

CAPTAIN

Excellent.

 

CAPTAIN

Ahhh, Ace Rimmer – might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?

 

ACE

Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop ’em behind my ears and slip between the ropes. Of course, it’s gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to put them back, but rest assured: that won’t stop me from rescuing the Princess Bonjella.

CAPTAIN

You’re insane, Rimmer. You’re out-manned and outgunned.

ACE

You expect me to concede?

CAPTAIN

No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!

CAPTAIN

Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to

him… then… throw him out of the plane.

GESTAPO

Out!

[– 3 – Int. Fuselage. Day ————————————————]

[ACE RIMMER present, struggling with the alligator]

[Enter CAPTAIN, wearing a parachute]

CAPTAIN

Ahh, Mr. Rimmer – sorry I can’t stick around for a chat, but I’ve got to

blow.

 

CAPTAIN

Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy?

 

ACE

What I would give for a gun.

 

ACE

Or a bottle of Listerine!

 

[– 4 – Ext. Free-fall. Day ———————————————–]

[ADO: The camera tracks the CAPTAIN in close-up as he falls from the plane,

before switching to ACE as he manages to loop the rope around the ‘gator’s

neck. Cut back to the CAPTAIN, and over his shoulder we see the doomed

plane explode as the dynamite detonates]

CAPTAIN

Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!

 

 

ACE

See you later alligator!

<Triumphantly, ACE pulls the ripcord and his parachute blossoms above him, taking him swiftly down to the ground>

[– 5 – OB. Ground level in a German base. Day

[We see an open-air yard, somewhere within the base. A firing squad has been lined up, some distance from a woman in a flowing red dress who is tied to a wooden post with chains. An officer stands to the right of the firing line, shouting commands to the gunners]

 

ACE

This is my best top, damn it!

 

ACE

Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There’ll be time for explanations later, and, hopefully, some sex.

PRINCESS

What a guy!

 

ACE

Hold on, Princess!

PRINCESS

Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!

[SHOT: Close-up of a unit mounted over the bike’s handlebars]

Ace Rimmer escaping on a bike in Stoke Me A Clipper

ACE

Bet he’s a sour Kraut.

 

GERMAN SOLDIER #1

Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommen

ist!

[Translation: He got away! I can’t believe he got away!]

GERMAN SOLDIER #2

Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind!

[Translation: That was Ace Rimmer! We’re lucky to be alive!]

We're lucky to be alive

<Suddenly, the forgotten alligator drops solidly out of the sky, flattening both soldiers where they stand>

 

[Cut to a view of the blue sky, where ACE has miraculously coaxed his rocket bike’s exhaust smoke to sky-write “Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast” in flowing script]

GERMAN SOLDIER #3

Was fuer ein Kerl!

[Translation: What a guy!]

 

[– 6 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————-]

 

[– 7 – Int. Starbug. Day ————————————————-]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present. They are walking through Starbug’s dreary, metal corridors]

KRYTEN

I simply cannot believe you’re going to go through with this, sir.

[KRYTEN, LISTER step through hatchway]

LISTER

I’m a man, Kryten, with a man’s urges, and a man’s desires.

[LISTER goes OOV]

closed. It is marked “Artificial Reality Suite”]

[– 8 – AR Suite ———————————————————-]

[KRYTEN, LISTER in a small, roughly cubic room featuring computer panels on the walls and a large mechanical seating contraption in it’s center – like the Red Dwarf TIV room hallucinated by the crew in ‘Back To Reality’]

 

KRYTEN

Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir?

LISTER

I’ve used up this year’s water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was looking at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this my libido’s gonna cause a drought.

 

KRYTEN

You think this is the answer?

[– 9 – OB. A field in the AR game —————————————-]

[KRYTEN and LISTER walk toward camera across a large field backed by trees and shrubs, the sun shining in clear skies. LISTER is dressed in antique chainmail and black surcoat like that of a knight, while KRYTEN wears the clothes of a squire. Kryten carries a small red book in his hand]

LISTER

Look, I know how it may look from the outside –

KRYTEN

Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, and seducing the Queen

of Camelot? Words fail me. It’s quite the most unchivalrous thing I’ve ever heard in my life!

LISTER

Are you my faithful manservant or what?

KRYTEN

I’m ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven’t been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into

Mr. Rimmer’s soup.

[– 10 – OB. A tourney at Camelot within the AR game ———————-]

[In the grounds of a castle, a large pavilion has been set up, in which are seated the King and Queen of Camelot. Peasants mill in front of the pavilion, alongside soldiers and horses]

[KING, QUEEN, spectators present]

 

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

KING

Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that dare challenge the King’s best knight?

[Enter KING’S KNIGHT]

[FX: Cheers rise from the crowd, and the knight raises a hand in acknowledgement]

LISTER

I do, sir!

KING

And you are, sir?

LISTER

Lister, of Smeg.

KING

Good knight, do you accept this challenge from… ‘Lister of Smeg’?

KING’S KNIGHT

I do, my King.

KING

And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?

KING’S KNIGHT

I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough.

[FX: Cheers from the crowd and the knight holds up a hand modestly]

KING

And you… ‘Lister of Smeg’, what prize do you claim if you should defeat my best knight?

LISTER

I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady…

[FX: Shouts of outrage from the spectators]

KING

‘A night and a day in the bed of my good lady’?

QUEEN

We accept ze challenge…

KING

Do we?

QUEEN

Oui, we do.

[TWO-SHOT: In the pavilion, the KING stands to consult with the QUEEN]

KING

My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private…

QUEEN

Do you not ‘ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where ‘e stands?

KING

I do! Sort of.

QUEEN

Zen we accept.

KING

Good knight – bring me this knave’s manhood on a silver platter –

LISTER

‘Ey, steady!

KING

– then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!

[FX: Cheers from the crowd once more]

LISTER

This is worse than playing away at Leeds!

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER, KING’S KNIGHT; departing to their horses]

QUEEN

When mah lace ‘ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall commence!

[– 11 – OB. Jousting range ———————————————–]

LISTER

I just lurve that accent… rrrrrrarrr!

KRYTEN

If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, I’d concentrate on memorising your cheats book.

 

LISTER

Cheat one: codeword ‘steadcheat’ Haa!

 

[– 12 – OB. By the pavilion ———————————————-]

[KING, QUEEN present]

[Enter LISTER, removing his helmet]

LISTER I claim my prize, my lord.

 

KING

You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And I swear to you: your scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!

 

[FX: Cheers from the crowds]

LISTER

Cheat 2: codeword ‘chastitycheat’

 

KRYTEN

Scum! Absolute scum.

[Exit KRYTEN]

KING

If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul, that tent will part this very instant –

[Cut to tent, which begins shaking rhythmically]. Cut back to KING]

KING – and he will return to me my lady, and beg the King’s forgiveness!

 

LISTER

Has anybody got any whipped cream?

KING

‘Whipped cream’?

[– 13 – Ext. Deep Space ————————————————–]

[ACE’s Dimension jumping ship is streaming through space]

COMPUTER VOICE [VO]

Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.

ACE [VO]

Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.

 

[– 14 – OB. The AR tourney ———————————————–]

[Scene cuts back to the AR game, viewpoint centered around the tent]

[KRYTEN present, outside the shaking tent, LISTER present within. Suddenly all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly vanish, leaving them alone in an empty field. LISTER is now wearing only a long undershirt and looks very disappointed>

LISTER

Hey!! What’s happening?

KRYTEN

Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down.

[LISTER and KRYTEN fade]

[– 15 – Int. AR Suite —————————————————-]

[Sirens blare and alert lights are flashing madly. KRYTEN and LISTER remove their electrodes and sensors. Along the way, LISTER has removed his pants and has acquired an obviously designed device which fits over his groin. Mercifully out of shot, he begins to remove it as they speak]

LISTER

The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening?

KRYTEN

Well, either we’re under attack, sir, or we’re having a disco.

[– 16 – Int. Starbug corridor ——————————————–]

[KRYTEN, in ‘maximum jog’ mode, darts through a hatchway at the far end of the corridor and waddles speedily towards camera, heading toward the cockpit]

[– 17 – Model shot ——————————————————-]

[Starbug caught in the midst of a rippling disturbance. The craft is being buffeted violently]

[– 18 – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————]

[CAT, RIMMER present. Both are attempting to coax some reaction from the many consoles and panels ranged before them while avoiding showers of sparks thrown out by the sensitive equipment. Sirens and alerts continue to throw the scene into wild illumination, and RIMMER is spraying a hand-held fire extinguisher liberally around the cockpit]

CAT

I’m locked out! Everything’s dead! Steering’s down, thrusters are down and we’re heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12!

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN, assuming stations]

RIMMER

Morning!

KRYTEN

What the smeeee is going on?

RIMMER

A power drain is knocking out all the generators!

LISTER

Cause?

CAT

An object of such awesome power and charisma it’s flattened all the grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it’s some kind of craft Dimension Jumping.

KRYTEN

Any ident details?

RIMMER

The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it was ‘Captain Smug Git’ himself: ‘Ace Rimmer’. Dear God, don’t make it be him, I couldn’t bear it.

CAT

This is the JMC transport ship ‘Starbug’ opening channels, please identify yourselves.

[SHOT: Close up of a monitor panel; camera POV of ACE, seated in his craft’s cockpit]

ACE [Mic]

Well, I said I’d be back for breakfast, how’re those kippers doing, fellas?

 

CAT

Ace, buddy! How’re you doin’?

ACE [Mic]

All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you’re wearing? Why, it’s sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone’s eye.

CAT

Wow, that’s sharp. Thanks buddy!

RIMMER

According to the log we’re down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It’ll never be enough.

[– 19 – Model shot ——————————————————-]

[Int. The recent miraculous expansion of Starbug has left it equipped with a fully functional docking bay, which ACE’s ship now occupies. Camera pans by ACE’s ship]

[– 20 – Int. Airlock —————————————————–]

[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present]

[Enter ACE]

LISTER

Ace – good to see ya! How’re you doing?

 

ACE

Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship’s computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing’s got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn’t know what day it is.

KRYTEN

So, what have you been up to, sir?

ACE

Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done.

[Exit ACE]

CAT

What a guy!

[– 21 – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————–]

[RIMMER present, seated at the main table and watching ACE’s arrival on a monitor screen. As he sees Cat leave the docking bay after ACE, he turns the monitor off with a voice command, a disgusted look twisting face]

RIMMER

Off!

[Enter ACE, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT]

ACE

So, what’s new with you chaps? Arnie?

RIMMER

I’ve been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I’ve begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I’ve alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with it’s fellows.

CAT

I’ll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For starters you can tell me the name of your stylist!

ACE

Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.

[CAT preens and begins to slink towards the cockpit]

ACE

Incidentally, it’s AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for Alfonce.

CAT

Yeoooowww, yeeah!

[ACE starts to climb the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters]

ACE

Arnie, up for a stroll?

RIMMER

Thanks for the offer, but I’d rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.

ACE

I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.

[Exit ACE]

LISTER

Oh Rimmer, go with him.

RIMMER

I don’t want to.

KRYTEN

But, sir, he wants you to.

RIMMER

And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don’t

always get what we want.

LISTER

But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.

RIMMER

The only ‘bonding’ I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!

 

RIMMER

Oh all *right*. I’m going. God!

[Exit RIMMER]

[– 22 – Int. Corridor outside sleeping quarters ————————–]

[Enter RIMMER, ACE]

RIMMER

Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They’re about fifty yards down there on the right. Bye!

[Exit RIMMER, through a hatch to a side corridor]

 

ACE

I think – I may need some help here, Arn.

[– 23 – Int. Guest sleeping quarters ————————————-]

[Enter RIMMER, ACE. RIMMER drags the half-conscious ACE, slumped over his hard-light shoulder, through the hatchway, and ACE collapses onto the bed]

RIMMER

I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they’re around, but as soon as no-one’s watching you’re as butch as an ice-skater’s friend. What’s the problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight again?

ACE

Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I’m afraid I’m… on the way out.

RIMMER

You’re what?

ACE

About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing

privileges.

RIMMER

You’re dying?

ACE

You’ve got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun’s first curry.

RIMMER

You’re really dying?

 

ACE

Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.

 

ACE

I mean it, Arn!

RIMMER

Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?

ACE

The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.

RIMMER

And you think, I’m your man?

ACE

It’s your destiny, Arnie.

RIMMER

What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?

ACE

You’re just afraid, old son. Afraid that you’re not good enough. You’ve always wanted to play the hero.

RIMMER

I’m not you. I think we established that in your last visit.

 

ACE

I’m not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.

<Rimmer, almost through the hatchway, stops and turns back. A sudden flash of pain causes ACE to clutch his chest and slump against the bunk>

ACE

He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I’m a hard light hologram, just like you.

RIMMER

Ace is dead?

 

ACE

I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.

[O/S: Ace opens his jacket and sickly green light spills out, beams eerily

illuminating Rimmer’s shocked face]

RIMMER

My god! What *is* that stuff?

ACE

Light Bee’s been hit pretty bad, it’s a power leakage. Electro-magnetic radiation; I haven’t got long. About the time I usually like to spend making love – say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I’ll be too weak to train you.

 

ACE

What do you say?

[BEAT]

[Exit RIMMER]

[– 24 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]

[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]

[– 25 – Int. Medical unit ————————————————]

[LISTER, ACE present. ACE sits back on the diagnosis couch while LISTER

fiddles with controls and consoles]

ACE

It’s part of the legend, I’m not the first Ace, not even the second.

There have been, well, let’s just say ‘more than a couple’. As one Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.

LISTER

We’re talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under tables with a colander on his head.

ACE

Skipper, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

LISTER

And you can’t confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book’s got a spine.

ACE

Let me train him, that’s all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him.

[– 26 – Int. Starbug mid-section —————————————–]

[RIMMER present, seated at the table, reading a book]

[Enter LISTER]

RIMMER

What is it? What’s the joke?

LISTER

Nothin’, nothin’.

RIMMER

Well clearly it’s not ‘nothing’. Clearly you’ve just heard something

terribly amusing, clearly.

LISTER

It’s just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next

Ace Rimmer —

RIMMER

Yes, sadly I’ve got to sort out my shoe collection, or I’d have jumped at it like a shot.

LISTER

It’s just, you, y’know? The next Ace… The very idea.

RIMMER

It’s not so ridiculous, Lister!

[– 27 – Int. Starbug Cockpit ———————————————]

[Enter LISTER, taking his seat with an amused smile]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn’t needed around here so badly, I think I’d very likely take him up on it.

LISTER

Rimmer, don’t take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you’re a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

RIMMER

Well *that*, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong, because I’ve taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins…

 

RIMMER

…right now.

[Exit RIMMER, leaving LISTER alone with his smile]

[– 28 – Int. AR Suite —————————————————-]

[ACE, RIMMER present]

[Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine. Each occupy one seat of the machine]

[– 29 – Ext. A mountain vista ——————————————–]

[ADO: ACE and RIMMER are both seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily high above a snow-covered mountain range]

Ace and Rimmer on the flying carpets

[RIMMER, ACE present]

RIMMER

Er, why have you brought me here?

ACE

Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you must be to become Ace Rimmer.

RIMMER

No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.

ACE

Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie. Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running free and unfettered through the mountains.

RIMMER

Be the what?

ACE

Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!

<RIMMER’s face scrunches up with effort>

ACE

See the cougar, Arnie? It’s you; can you see it?

 

RIMMER

Err, sort of.

[– 30 – Model shot ——————————————————-]

[Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet]

[– 31 – Int. ACE’s Quarters ———————————————-]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Oh, I’ll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.

[Enter ACE; walking with effort, he slumps against the entry hatch]

ACE

All your life you’ve given up.

RIMMER

Well, maybe after more training!

ACE

I can’t keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It’s now or never.

 

RIMMER

What’s that?

ACE

Light Bee Remote.

 

ACE

If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you’re me, we’ll know you’re ready.

<Unexpectedly, ACE removes his immaculately coiffured hairpiece and hands it to a surprised RIMMER. RIMMER puts it on, backwards. ACE slumps onto the bunk>

RIMMER

But I’m not ready!

ACE

Try it the other way around.

 

[Exit RIMMER]

[– 32 – Int. Corridor within Starbug ————————————-]

 

RIMMER

 

“The name’s Rimmer,”

 

RIMMER

Oh, this is ridiculous.

 

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Ah, Mr. Ace, sir. Everything okay?

RIMMER

What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie.

 

RIMMER

Uh-huh, yeah, everything’s fine.

KRYTEN

Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?

RIMMER

Errr, could you be more specific?

KRYTEN

Er, 67% more weasely.

RIMMER

Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie’s got it. I’ve quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one’s to go near him.

KRYTEN

Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we’ve run out of bacofoil about six months ago; I don’t suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?

RIMMER

Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a — Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old friend; afraid not, catch you later.

[Exit RIMMER]

[– 33 – Int. Corridors outside AR suite ———————————-]

[RIMMER enters, still looking uneasy, and perhaps planning to return to ACE’s mountain simulation. He turns a corner and notices thick white smoke roiling around the entrance to the suite. Puzzled he begins to investigate. Suddenly, the door to the AR unit clangs open; and through the smoke, a figure walks purposefully out. We see he is dressed in the same armour and surcoat as the King’s Knight from Lister’s AR game. RIMMER shrinks back against the wall, unsure of what is happening]

KING’S KNIGHT

I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called ‘Lister of Smeg’.

RIMMER

Now wait a minute, old friend, let’s just stay calm, shall we?

KING’S KNIGHT

Are you one of his household?

RIMMER

Errr, in a manner of speaking…

KING’S KNIGHT

Then prepare to die!

<Chivalrously, the knight tosses RIMMER a sword with which to defend himself. Unprepared, RIMMER catches it blade first and holds it awkwardly out in front of him. Without wasting any further time, the knight attacks RIMMER, and they begin to fight. For RIMMER, this involves much backpedaling and judicious amounts of dodging, though to his credit he manages to successfully fence with the knight for a moment before being forced back against a wall>

RIMMER

Let’s talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted muffins?

 

RIMMER

Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake? Battenburg??

 

RIMMER

My God! I did it!

[Exit RIMMER]

<Suddenly, the knight stands up. He strides over to the bazookoid used by RIMMER, picks it up and ejects it’s ammunition cartridge>

[SHOT: we see the word ‘BLANK’ written on the blue cartridge, which the knight temporarily places on the bazookoid’s shelf, before taking out a second, red, cartridge]

[SHOT: we see the word ‘LIVE’ written on the red cartridge which the knight jams into the bazookoid’s ammunition chamber. He then picks up the cartridge of blanks]

 

LISTER

So far –

LISTER

– so good.

[– 34 – Int. ACE’s Quarters ———————————————-]

[ACE present, laid back on the bunk in obvious discomfort]

[Enter RIMMER, running and excited]

RIMMER

I did it! That’s the most heroic thing I’ve done since I set fire to

Stinky Bateman’s turn-ups in third from prep!

ACE

Well done, Arnie; you’ve done us proud.

Smoke me a kipper… I’ll be back for —

<ACE’s Light Bee crackles and hisses, and his image glows a ghastly white before fading from sight. All that remains is the dead lightbee resting on the bunk>

[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]

CAT

What’s happenin’, bro? What’s happened to goalpost head?

RIMMER

No, you don’t understand. It’s not me, it’s him.

KRYTEN

Sir, you’re in shock – the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.

CAT

What happened?

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It’s killed

Rimmer.

 

LISTER

*Isn’t that right, Ace*?

 

[– 35 – Int. Starbug corridor ——————————————–]

[ALL present]

LISTER

We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y’know. It’s the least he deserves.

KRYTEN

I just can’t believe it.

CAT

Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning.

KRYTEN

Poor Mr. Rimmer. I haven’t felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told me  the others held a poll, and voted *me* the ‘big-eared, ugly one’.

[– 36 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]

[Starbug flies through a ghostly illuminated nebula]

[– 37 – Int. Gantry within Starbug —————————————]

[RIMMER present]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER

Heyy. Decided what you’re gonna do?

RIMMER

I thought I’d stick around here for a bit. “Get the hang of the

character, as it were”.

RIMMER

What’s that?

LISTER

Ace asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its ‘final

resting place’, alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He’s left some more beacons behind for the Ace’s that follow you.

RIMMER

I’m getting cold feet, Listy. I’m not sure I can go through with it.

*Leave*, I mean. *Be* Ace.

LISTER

You heard what he said; it’s your destiny.

RIMMER

It’s my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git?

LISTER

Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different *kind*

of Ace, it’s up to you.

Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said

it might make you change your mind.

[– 38 – Room within Starbug ———————————————]

[The room, like all others within Starbug, is dreary, dirty and metallic, though here a podium has been set up close to one wall, and a row of chairs line another, in which the Dwarfers sit]

[KRYTEN present, standing at the podium. LISTER, RIMMER, CAT present, seated. The mood is solemn, and even LISTER has dressed for the occasion: he fidgets uncomfortably with the stick-on tie he wears over his t-shirt]

KRYTEN

We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer. On occasion he was a small-minded, bureaucratic, incompetent, cowardly little — person, er, but he also had his good qualities.

CAT

Those *were* his good qualities!

KRYTEN

To say something about the finer side of his nature, I’d like to turn now to Mr Lister.

 

LISTER

Alexander the Great’s chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The man who kept his underpants on coat-hangers and sewed name labels into his ship- issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same. We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the Space Corps – no, no – the *universe* has ever known. No one ever pressed for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift – well, actually, that’s not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is his eulogy.

He didn’t have very many friends, but those that he did have were with him at the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.

[Camera pans along the seated Dwarfers, stopping at a fourth chair upon sits Rachel, the inflatable doll, dressed in widow’s black]

LISTER

See ya smeg ‘ead.

CAT

Later, bud.

KRYTEN

Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee.

RIMMER

Bye, Ironballs.

LISTER

Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought him back as a hologram, to keep me sane – never an easy task. He succeeded spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten, place *First Officer* Rimmer’s decoration into the coffin.

KRYTEN

Right away, sir.

 

LISTER

Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.

ALL

First Officer Rimmer.

[– 39 – Model/CGI sequence ———————————————–]

[Following the coffin, it leads the Dwarfers through a swirling warp of some kind before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar capsules. The camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually thousands upon millions upon billions – panning out further and further until the billions we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band, a band which, in turn, is the majestic ring of an enormous gas giant>

[– 40 – Int. Starbug cockpit ———————————————]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

RIMMER

All those Rimmers…

LISTER

They all did it. They all became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you really gonna be the one to break the chain?

[– 41 – Int. Starbug docking area —————————————-]

[ACE’s ship sits, powered up, on the launching platform, the newly-reborn

ACE RIMMER seated in the cockpit]

[ALL present]

ACE RIMMER

It’s been a blast, fellers.

LISTER

Bye, man.

CAT

Bye, dude.

KRYTEN

Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.

ACE RIMMER

Stoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for Christmas. Whatever.

 

ACE RIMMER

Just had to say one last goodbye!

 

ACE RIMMER

Seeya, Davey boy.

LISTER

Yeah, good luck, man…

[– 42 – Model/CGI shot —————————————————]

[Deep space. ACE RIMMER’s ship sweeps across shot and away, leaving Starbug to chug ever onward through space]

END OF “STOKE ME A CLIPPER”