Red Dwarf Full Script Series 7 Episode 4 Duct Soup

No bath, poor food and squeaking pipes – Kochanski is having difficulties, and Lister might be claustrophobic. Duct Soup was the 4th episode of Red Dwarf series 7.EPISODE 4 — DUCT SOUP

1 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters

[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]

LISTER
92 degrees… god!

I want a drink but I can’t be bothered to get up…
I wanna go to the loo but I can’t be bothered to go down the corridor…
This is one of the universal dilemmas – something which has confronted
all men since the beginning of time… to pee or not to pee… that is the
question.
No, I’ll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and
get to sleep. Smeggin ‘ell!

 

2 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters

[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]

KOCHANSKI
One more time, and you get *this*. D’you hear?? Don’t think I don’t mean it! One more time, just – one more.

 

KOCHANSKI
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn’t I tell you?? How many times have I told you? Right, what was the last one?

Red Dwarf Duct Soup

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Nurieek’. So the next one will be a ‘rotut’, and the one after that will
be a ‘hernunger’.

 

Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds —

 

KOCHANSKI
Now ‘hernunger’…

 

KOCHANSKI
No, that’s wrong! You’ve gone out of sequence! ‘Nurieek’, ‘rotut’,
‘hernunger’ – what’s wrong with you??

 

KOCHANSKI
If you’re gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?

<Unfazed, the pipe-monster howls out its defiance>

KOCHANSKI
‘Sqweloookle’?? Where does ‘sqweloookle’ come from?? He’s new!

[– 3 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ————————————]

[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by
steam which clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]

LISTER
Phew, that’s better. Kill two birds with one shower.

[– 4 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ————————————]

[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has
taken a pair of woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over
an ear, holding them in place with a hair band. Sliding back
into bed, she lies back down, and takes up her spanner for
comfort]

KOCHANSKI
Okayyy… right, right.
I can’t hear you. You can do whatever you like – I can’t hear a damn
thing.

<Mockingly, the Beast Of The Pipes screeches out just how wrong she is. In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes, clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away…>

[– 5 – Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ————————————]

[LISTER present, back in bed]

 

[– 6 – Int. Starbug mid-section ——————————————]

[KRYTEN present. He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes]

[Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed’s blanket]

KRYTEN
Oh my goodness. It’s Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma’am.

 

KOCHANSKI
What?

KRYTEN It’s nearly 9am, ma’am, what are you doing up?

KOCHANSKI
Looking for someone to kill – care to volunteer?

KRYTEN
Oh, can’t sleep?

KOCHANSKI
Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? ‘Nurieek’ing and ‘rotut’ing, and just when you expect them to ‘nurieek’ again, they ‘sqweloookle’!

 

KOCHANSKI
It’s enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!

KRYTEN
It’s quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.

 

KOCHANSKI
Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges like this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn’t happen!

KRYTEN
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?

[KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section]

KOCHANSKI
I’d say: “Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!”

[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table]

I can’t live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I’ve always hated
showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they’ll
say??

KRYTEN
Erm, you hate showers?

KOCHANSKI
You see! Even you know and you hardly know me!
I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need… cottage cheese
with pineapple chunks in.

KRYTEN
Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma’am, I’m sure we’ll find some supplies.

[KOCHANSKI’s face begins to crumple with despair]

KOCHANSKI
I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it’d be tough in Deep
Space… I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my
ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of
clothes, and pipes that ‘sqweloookle’ when they should ‘nurieek’!

 

KOCHANSKI
I mean, I’ve tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning
what ‘off-side’ was.

KRYTEN
Ma’am, please… I’ve never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I’m not familiar with the technique, er, hang on – just processing.

 

KRYTEN
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don’t worry, ma’am – I know the drill now.

 

KOCHANSKI
*gag*
What are you doing!? Get off me!

KRYTEN
The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma’am, I believe it helps women stop crying.

 

KOCHANSKI
The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!

KRYTEN
No, I think you’re wrong, ma’am.

 

KOCHANSKI
I’m not wrong! You’ve just got a corrupted file in your database!

KRYTEN
Well, then… why have you stopped crying?

KOCHANSKI
Well, because it’s really hard to cry when someone’s doing the Heimlich
Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!

KRYTEN
But, you’re not crying, though.

KOCHANSKI
Well, no.

KRYTEN
So, it worked?

KOCHANSKI
Nooo! It didn’t work! It just – oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

 

KOCHANSKI
Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich
parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry…

KRYTEN
Oh ma’am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that!

KOCHANSKI
That’s only because they don’t know when you wash them! Couple of posters
and a trailer before ‘The World’s Stupidest Stuntmen’ video and, take it from me, that laundry room will be packed!

KRYTEN
I think you’re doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma’am. A great, great disservice!

[– 7 – Int. Starbug laundry room —————————————–]

[LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing machines]

Cat and Lister talking in Duct Soup

CAT
Wow – this is the best load yet!

LISTER
Just for the record I’d like to repeat that I’m only here because I can’t
sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.

CAT
Yeah, yeah, yeah…

LISTER
I’m not here because I’m a sad and lonely person who’s entertained by women’s underwear spin drying.

CAT
My god, a g-string!

LISTER
Where?

CAT
You missed it… I swear! It was black and really, really small.

LISTER
I’m too mature for this. I’m just gonna sit here and read my comic.

CAT
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to the washing machine company.

LISTER
Sometimes I’m really ashamed to be with you. You’re completely out of order, do you know that?

CAT
Since when did you get so mature?

LISTER
Mature? I’ve been mature for ages, me.

CAT
Oh yeah?

LISTER
Yeah.

CAT
You’re just pretending to be mature, because that’s your plan to get
officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!

LISTER
Go and stick an egg up your nose.

CAT
It’s true.

LISTER
Isn’t true.

CAT
It is.

LISTER
It isn’t!

CAT
Is!

LISTER
Isn’t!

CAT
Is!

LISTER
Isn’t!

CAT
Is!

LISTER
Isn’t!

CAT LISTER
Is! Isn’t!
Is! Isn’t!
Is! Isn’t!

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?

LISTER
About me being really mature.

KRYTEN
i’ve been looking all over for you, sir. Why aren’t you in bed?

LISTER
The heating system’s gone bonkers. Why, what’s up?

KRYTEN
Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
She’s in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.

LISTER
What’s the problem?

 

KRYTEN
It’s not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the
sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.

LISTER
We’ll re-lag them first thing in the mornin’.

KRYTEN
Oh it’s not just she can’t sleep, sir, it’s everything. Not being able to
have a bath, no cottage cheese, no —

<KRYTEN’s voice cuts off abruptly as he pulls Kochanski’s red PVC uniform from the washing machine. From collar to trouser tip, it now measures roughly ten inches>

KRYTEN
The thermostat!

 

[Exit LISTER, CAT]

KRYTEN
I swear I set the correct programme!
Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who —

 

[– 8 – Int. Starbug Mid-section ——————————————]

[KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can
of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a
disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without looking at what she’s doing]

[Enter LISTER]

LISTER
Hi.

 

LISTER
How’re you settling in?

KOCHANSKI <slowly, and with great care>
Great. Having a ball.

LISTER
We’ll get you some more clothes…

KOCHANSKI
Don’t worry – I can wander around in a sheet for the next fifty years,
I’ll be fine.

LISTER
And we’ll fix those pipes.

KOCHANSKI
If you could just make them go ‘nurieek’ every time without any
‘sqweloookles’, I’d be so grateful.

LISTER
We’ll stop them completely.

KOCHANSKI
I’m not used to this; not having stuff. When I was fifteen my brother,
Moose, used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom. He knew that if I didn’t look good I wouldn’t go out. If i don’t look good, I don’t feel good.

LISTER
How do you feel now?

 

LISTER
Don’t answer that.

KOCHANSKI
I know I’ve been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow –

LISTER
Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.

KOCHANSKI
Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting, with perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can’t even have a bath…

LISTER
Come on. Come with me. I’ve got something to show you.

[– 9 – Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ————————————]

[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the
listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up much of the floor space in front of his bunk]

LISTER
You take my quarters tonight, and I’ll have yours.

 

LISTER
I’ve cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.

KOCHANSKI
I don’t know what to say…

LISTER
And I, erm… found this on that derelict…

LISTER
I was savin’ it for your birthday.
There’s some make-up in there, too.

 

[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI’s wretched ex-suit]

KRYTEN
I can’t find her anywhere, sir, I’ve been searching high and low!

 

KRYTEN
Oh! Ma’am. Ha-ha. Didn’t spot you, there.

LISTER
Krissie’s sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.

KRYTEN
[beat]
In, your quarters, sir?

LISTER
Yeah, she’s gonna have a nice, hot bath.

KRYTEN
In here? Without clothes on?

LISTER
Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.

[SHOT: KRYTEN’s worried face]
[ZOOM to KRYTEN’s face then right eye]
[Iris TRANSITION to: ]

[– 10 – Int. Starbug Cargo deck ——————————————]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN
sees himself talking to his long-time and now besuited friend LISTER, whose
arm is linked with KOCHANSKI. She wears the red dress just given to her by
LISTER, and both seem to be smiling just a little too much]

LISTER
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it’d be better all ’round if you leave.

KRYTEN
Er, sir?

LISTER
As you probably know, we’re planning on settling down together, it started that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?

KOCHANSKI
We got you this leaving present…

KRYTEN
A key-ring –

LISTER
With a ‘C’ on it.

KOCHANSKI
For ‘Kryten’!

KRYTEN
But, you spell ‘Kryten’ with a ‘K’…

KOCHANSKI
Ohh, don’t make a fuss.
Now, I’ve packed all your heads; they’re in the bag.

[– 11 – Int. Starbug Cargo deck airlock———————————–]

[Enter KRYTEN, followed by the happy couple. KRYTEN stamps morosely towards camera]

LISTER
You know what it’s like, man, it’s the fourth Law of the universe: you
settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set
about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat’s next.

KOCHANSKI
I’ve been packing his bag for over three weeks!

LISTER
See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think I’ve reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.

KOCHANSKI
And you see we’re all a bit embarrassed of you because you’ve got a funny shaped head.

LISTER
You’re not human, are you, you’re a robot.

KOCHANSKI
Yeah!

LISTER/KOCHANSI
Eeeugh!

LISTER Oh hi! You’re early, come in!

[Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs]

KOCHANSKI
Great to see you!

[DISSOLVE to…]

[– 12 – Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ———————————–]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[SHOT: KRYTEN’s startled face]

KRYTEN [undirected]
I’ve just seen the future!

<Abruptly, KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI’s shrunken uniform from behind his back and holds it up as evidence>

KRYTEN
I’m afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma’am. You only have one left, now.

KOCHANSKI
Did he? Never mind.

KRYTEN
Aren’t you mad?

KOCHANSKI
I’m too tired to be mad… I just want to have my bath, and get some
sleep.

KRYTEN
Right. I’ll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I’ll be
*going*.

LISTER
Are you all right, Kryts?

KRYTEN
Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a ‘C’ on it!
Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital ‘R’!

[Exit KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI
What’s eating him?

LISTER
I dunno – I’ll find out later.

KOCHANSKI
Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.

LISTER
Heyy, no bother.

KOCHANSKI
See you in the morning.

LISTER
That’s right.
Well, I’ll be going then?

KOCHANSKI
Yeah. ‘Night.

LISTER
Right, I’ll… I’ll go…

KOCHANSKI
Yeah.

LISTER
Yeah.

KOCHANSKI
See you tomorrow.

LISTER
Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything, don’t hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.

KOCHANSKI
I won’t.

LISTER
Right then.

KOCHANSKI
‘Night.

LISTER
‘Night. Goodnight.

[Enter LISTER]

KOCHANSKI
What was that??

LISTER
Hang on a minute, I’ve got a torch somewhere…

[– 13 – Int. Starbug; Corridor outside LISTER’s Quarters —————–]

[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

CAT
What the hell’s happenin’?

KRYTEN
The generator’s down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.

[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come back up]

KRYTEN
Ah, thank goodness.

 

[– 14 – Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ———————————–]

[Enter ALL]

KRYTEN
I’ll look into it immediately, sir!

 

LISTER
There goes the backup! Now everythin’s dead.

CAT
How come the doors closed?

LISTER
When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce hull integrity.

CAT
So what’s steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?

KRYTEN
Everything’s down. Oh, I wish I’d been more careful!

CAT
You mean this ship’s careening out of control through space with
absolutely zero expertise at the helm?

KOCHANSKI
No change there, then.

LISTER
We’ve got to re-fire the backup generator.

KRYTEN
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.

CAT
The what?

KRYTEN
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like
intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.

LISTER
How long’s that gonna take?

KRYTEN
Oh, six hours, maybe more?

LISTER
Six hours??

KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?

LISTER
Fine, yeah. Yep, yep. Yep.

KOCHANSKI
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead, but it won’t hit us for at least twelve hours.

KRYTEN
We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

[– 15 – Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ———————————–]

[Time has passed. A sheet has been hastily draped across the bunk recess
to allow KOCHANSKI space to get dressed. She pulls away the sheet and is shown wearing her new dress, over which is a pair of thick canvas work pants]

KOCHANSKI
Okay, let’s go.

 

[– 16 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[Starbug’s internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, rectangular
corridors; about five feet wide by four high. Passage through the ducts is possible only by crawling]

 

CAT
It’s so damn hot I can barely breathe! It’s like being stuck in a sauna
with a fat man on your face!

LISTER
I don’t feel so good… the walls are closing in!

KRYTEN
Are you okay, sir?

LISTER
I need to take a break – I need air!

KOCHANSKI
He’s claustrophobic, didn’t you guys know?

LISTER
I’m all right when I know I can get out, but now we’re out in the middle somewhere… Can’t breathe…

KRYTEN
Have a drink, sir.

KOCHANSKI
Okay, take a look around – see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling
hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.

KRYTEN
Let’s go.

[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]

LISTER
M’ throat’s closin’… chokin’…

KOCHANSKI
Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off it.

 

KOCHANSKI
I wonder why Dave – my Dave – wasn’t claustrophobic?

LISTER
Oh thanks, Kris, that’s really helpin’. Now is not a good time to tell
me how great your boyfriend is, okay?

KOCHANSKI
He wasn’t my boyfriend. Not really.

LISTER
What?

KOCHANSKI
No, we were just good friends.

LISTER
No, but you said —

KOCHANSKI
I just didn’t want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I
asked him to play along.

LISTER
You weren’t going out with him?

KOCHANSKI
He wasn’t my type.

LISTER
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you’re so damn picky! Why wasn’t he your type?

KOCHANSKI
He was gay.

LISTER
You see? Picky. Everythin’s got has to be absolutely perfect before
you’re int —
What did you say??

KOCHANSKI
He was gay.

LISTER
Gay?

KOCHANSKI
Yes.

LISTER
Are you sayin’ I’m — I’m gay in an alternative dimension?

KOCHANSKI
Yes.

LISTER
Me?

KOCHANSKI
That’s why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out.

LISTER
Wait a minute… you don’t think… now *hang on*, I’m completely
straight, okay? I couldn’t possibly be gay. I can’t grow a big moustache for starters – ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps…

KOCHANSKI
Dave, shut up…

LISTER
I’m just sayin’ —

KOCHANSKI
I really miss him. He was great.

KOCHANSKI
Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he’d just hold me. Made me
feel everything was okay.

LISTER
Mmm? Well, actually… No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay!

KOCHANSKI
There’s no need to make such a big deal about it!

LISTER
But I am not!

KOCHANSKI
Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.

LISTER
Yeah, so did I.

KOCHANSKI
Yeah?

LISTER
Yeah!

KOCHANSKI
Real friends, that you were really close to?

LISTER
Yeah!

KOCHANSKI
Name one.

LISTER
Okay, what about… Bent Bob?

KOCHANSKI
‘Bent Bob’..??

LISTER
Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.

KOCHANSKI
That’s what you used to call him, is it? “Hey Bent Bob! How’s it going,
mate?”

LISTER
It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used it behind his back. Used to b one of the poker school; nice bloke.

KOCHANSKI
And he was one of your really good friends, was he?

LISTER
All right, I admit I haven’t had many gay friends.

KOCHANSKI
Yes you have – you just haven’t known they were.

LISTER
Like who?

KOCHANSKI
Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship… Toddhunter.

LISTER
Toddhunter?

KOCHANSKI
Yeah.

LISTER
But he was married.

KOCHANSKI
So?

LISTER
He had kids!

KOCHANSKI
So?

LISTER
He used to fool around, slept with women!

KOCHANSKI
That doesn’t mean anything –

LISTER
Yes it does!
[beat]
Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn’t it? You just made it all up to
take my mind off being stuck in ‘ere!
You’re not really a sad loser after all, are you?
[beat]
God, I found that really attractive, as well.
Made me feel all kind of superior and macho. Not that I don’t *usually* feel macho, because I do.

KOCHANSKI
Here, have another drink – heteroboy.

LISTER
So, your Dave… he isn’t, is he?

 

LISTER
Ahhhh, smeg!

[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]

KRYTEN
We’ve found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops
down into a supply room. We can’t get through to unscrew the fastening
bolts but, ma’am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.

KOCHANSKI
Will you be okay?

CAT
Leave him to me.

LISTER
I’ll be okay.

[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]

 

CAT
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ee! I tell you, if I was dead you most
certainly could not swing me around in here!

LISTER
Cat…

CAT
Talk about cooped up!

LISTER
Cat!

CAT
Oh, sorry… not supposed to talk about that, right?

LISTER
Right.

 

CAT
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it because you’re kind of sissy?

LISTER
Sissy.

CAT
Yeah??

LISTER
Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?

 

CAT
So how comes you didn’t get it when we was in that tunnel when all the walls were —

LISTER
I don’t always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can’t
get out. Maybe it’s something to do with blood sugar.

CAT
But how come you get it at all, though?

LISTER
I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-
parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four…
She was 22; come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes… And there was just
something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m’ trolleys.
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time —

CAT
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn’t think you could get it like
that…

LISTER
No…
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years
older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he
used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck
into the stock room; started makin’ love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes – about half way through, I was seventeen – she
leapt up and said: “There’s someone at the door!”, so I jumped into this
wooden packing crate; it was ‘im!
He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned,
dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the lightbulb. He was havin’ none of that.
He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal – he drove me out there! I was *screamin’* at him, *pleadin’*: “let me out!”;
promised him anything, said I’d never see her again, “just let me out!”
In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out,
bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players’ amateur production
of “The Importance Of Being Earnest”…

CAT
Boy, that’s enough to freak anyone out!

[– 17 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these
revelations, working at the access grill]

KRYTEN
I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?

KOCHANSKI
Well, it’s probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.

KRYTEN
He’s told me about everything else about his life…

KOCHANSKI
Not everything, Kryten.

KRYTEN
Absolutely, ma’am!

KOCHANSKI
[beat]
Everything?

KRYTEN
Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. ‘Cheese slice snap’
can only entertain for so long.

KOCHANSKI
So… what did he tell you about me?

KRYTEN
Oh, absolutely everything, ma’am. I don’t think he missed a single
detail.

KOCHANSKI
You mean, he told you – about the rusty gate?

KRYTEN
Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all
had a good laugh about that!

<KOCHANSKI’s eyes widen>

KOCHANSKI
He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when I’m making love?? He told you that??

KRYTEN
No, he – told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped fix it.

KOCHANSKI
And that gave you a big laugh?

KRYTEN
Well, like I say ma’am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad of the anecdote.

KOCHANSKI
S-so, he didn’t… just shut up, okay. I never said that.

KRYTEN
Allow me a second, ma’am. Just cross-filing that story under ‘B’ for
blackmail, and ‘A’, for anecdote; sub-category ‘S’ for ‘so funny you’ll
laugh till you’re sick!’.

KOCHANSKI
Look, wig-stand head; me and Dave, it’s all in the past.

KRYTEN
In which case, ma’am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that
a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?

KOCHANSKI
Well, it’s because —

KRYTEN
It’s because, ma’am, he can’t wait to get the wrapper off and taste the
salty goodness!

KOCHANSKI
[beat]
That’s his problem; I’m accounted for.

KRYTEN
What about the way you look at him?

KOCHANSKI
What way?

KRYTEN
I’ve seen the way!

KOCHANSKI
*What way*?

KRYTEN
Like he’s a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!

KOCHANSKI
How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he’s a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain
cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!
[beat]
Have I??

[– 18 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[LISTER, CAT present]

 

CAT
What’s that?

LISTER
What’s what?

CAT
Can’t you hear it yet? Like a… roaring noise…

LISTER
A roaring noise?

CAT
Like a… watery kind of roaring noise…

LISTER
I can’t hear a thing.

CAT
It’s like water roaring down, say… a passageway. In a kind of roaring,
watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!

CAT
Hey, where’re you goin’?

LISTER
Kris! Kryten! Re-cyc water!

LISTER
Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!

CAT
You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.

LISTER
Come on!

CAT
I ain’t goin’ wit’ you!

LISTER
Why not??

CAT
That’s where the water’s coming from.

LISTER
Shit!

[Exit LISTER]

CAT
You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?

 

[Exit CAT]

[– 19 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

 

LISTER
I hate this, I really hate this!

[– 20 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[CAT, LISTER present. The bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off duo crawl though a different section of ducts]

 

CAT
What’s that?

LISTER
What’s what?

CAT
That noise…

LISTER
Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?

CAT
No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise.

LISTER
Is it a kind of ‘Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister’s fist’ kind of noise..?

CAT
It’s a sort of… swirly… windy… ah… water-drying, *hurricaney* kind
of noise!

LISTER
A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise??
[beat]
The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!

CAT
Here it comes…

 

[– 21 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

 

[– 22 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[LISTER, CAT present, both tangled up in a heap by the duct wall]

LISTER
I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!

[– 23 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[ALL present, the Dwarfers have managed to find themselves and are enjoying the temporary moment of calm. All except LISTER perhaps, who is finding
that the lack of activity has brought back his claustrophobia. KRYTEN fusses beside him, holding a hypo-gun]

KRYTEN
This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.

LISTER
What is it?

KRYTEN
There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemolacalcathryte. *
[*pr. “Lemo-plathenamine-cathorolite”!]

 

KRYTEN
Well done, ma’am.

[– 24 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[ALL present. After trekking for some time through the endless series of service ducts, the quartet take a break in a larger section of corridor.]

KRYTEN
Well, everything considered, we made good time.

CAT
What if we’re down here for days and end up having to eat each other like those dudes from that plane crash?

KRYTEN
Those were exceptional circumstances sir. Their only other choice was airline food. It won’t happen to us.

KOCHANSKI
Good, because there’s no way I could ever eat a person.

KRYTEN
No way I could ever cook one either. Not without my slow cooker.

CAT
What about drinking your own urine?

KRYTEN
Well that’s absolutely out of the question; you should *never* serve urine with white meat!

LISTER
I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school. The
dorm was always pitch black. The tight sods didn’t allow so much as night
lights, just to save electricity.
I remember one night, the lights went out, and as usual “Squeaky” Gibson’s
bed started up – ‘squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak’. We all picked up our
shoes and threw them at him: “Shut up, Gibson! We’re tryin’ to sleep!”
Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while, his bedsprings
started up again – ‘squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak’. More shoes,
football boots, trainers, everythin’! But there was no stoppin’ him! Just got faster and faster… ‘Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-
squeak-squeak’!
So I got up, snapped on the light, and there, under a mountain of shoes, was poor ol’ Squeaky havin’ an epileptic fit! I managed to wedge one of my trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life.

KOCHANSKI
Cyberschool was so different. We’d arriveon the first day of term, put on
our total immersion suits and get connected to the mainframe – and,
suddenly, there we’d be, in a perfect replica of a girls’ boarding school.
We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths, for history they
brought in Disreali and Ghengiz Khan, for literature they let us talk to Shakespeare and Dickens…

CAT
Can’t wait to hear what they did in sex education class…

KOCHANSKI
At eighteen when I finally got out, I kind of went off the rails…

KRYTEN
How ‘off the rails’?

KOCHANSI
There are the rails. There’s me.

KRYTEN
That’s *way* off the rails.

LISTER
So… what did you do?

KOCHANSKI
Oh, you name it.

LISTER
No, *you* name it. what did you do?

KOCHANSKI Well…

LISTER Yeah?

KOCHANSKI
What, you want me to write you a list?

LISTER
Yeah.

KOCHANSKI
Okay, I, er… Well, I, I smoked cigarettes, sometimes. I wore skirts
that were quite short. I went to the library and was really noisy…

LISTER
Really.

KOCHANSKI
No. Not really. I was in the real life for the first time! No
protectors… I went *insane*…

LISTER
Really..?

KOCHANSKI
Yeah… I was a retro-punk…

ALL
Wow!

KRYTEN
They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realising the
whole universe does not revolve around you.

CAT
Sure doesn’t! It revolves around me.

KOCHANSKI
Absolutely.

CAT
I’m serious! Look at the evidence.

LISTER
What evidence?

CAT
Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.
Even when I know what I’m gonna say, it never bores me!

LISTER
You and you alone…

CAT
And here’s the clincher: all of the interesting things that ever happenned
to me, happenned when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here..!

[– 25 – Int. Starbug Ductway ———————————————]

[ALL present. The quartet crawl back-breakingly though yet more featureless
service ducts]

KOCHANSKI
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.

CAT
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!

LISTER
Hang on, how come it’s getting hotter when the generators have packed in?
It should be gettin’ colder, shouldn’t it?

KRYTEN
Ma’am – that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which
direction was it in?

KOCHANSKI
Dead ahead.

KRYTEN Oh! Anything else in the vacinity?

KOCHANSKI
To the west there is a sun, but that’s about it.

KRYTEN
I think we’ve been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial
impact of the generators going down – I think we’re heading straight into that sun! And it’s all my fault!

LISTER
Kryten, man, it’s not your fault…

KRYTEN
It is!

LISTER
It isn’t! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.

KRYTEN
I did it on purpose… I typed in the override code, on the access panel
in the corridor.

LISTER
*What*??

KRYTEN
I don’t know what to say, I didn’t realise it would be so dangerous!!

LISTER
Kryten, man, what made you do it??

KRYTEN
I really can’t remember…

CAT
What do you mean, you ‘can’t remember’?

KRYTEN
I’d really, rather not say it out loud… might sound a bit silly…

KOCHANSKI
Say it…

KRYTEN
I didn’t want you to have a bath, ma’am.
Well, I knew it would be one of those ‘no clothes’ baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we know what’s going on, he’s wearing
clogs and you’re having GELFs around to dinner.
And what would happen to me?? I’d have been on my own again!

KOCHANSKI
Oh, *Kryten*!

KRYTEN
I – was – just – so – *scared*!

LISTER
Come on – we’ve got no time to waste, let’s get the hell out of here!

KRYTEN
But we’re not going to make it, sir!

LISTER
Yes we are!

KOCHANSKI
How?

LISTER
We’re gonna catch some surf!

[– 26 – Int. Starbug ductway ———————————————]

[ALL present. The Dwarfers are sat, two-abreast, upon the salvaged metal
plate]

LISTER
Okay, here it comes…

CAT
Tell me again, how do you ‘hang ten’?

LISTER
Just get into position!
Here it —

 

ALL
AAAARRRRGGHH!

The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks.
Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the last of the water blast past them>

Red Dwarf crew with Kochanski in Duct Soup

[– 27 – Int. Supply room ————————————————-]

[Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, all sopping wet]

LISTER
Oh! Thank god we made it!

LISTER
Oh God!!

 

KOCHANSKI
How? *How*??

KRYTEN
I – er – I – ah – er…

<KRYTEN, examining the map, rotates it 180 degrees>

KRYTEN
Oh.

KOCHANSKI
Oh, that’s it. We’re fried. Unless someone’s got some really *terrific*
sunblock cream.

KRYTEN
Not necessarily, ma’am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override.

[KRYTEN walks over to the door on the other side of the small room]

KRYTEN
In case…

 

KRYTEN
Anything happened…

CAT
You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God knows where and back for absolutely no reason??

LISTER
It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we could just walk out that door at any moment??

KRYTEN
Mm.

LISTER
Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got some serious reversing to do – but
we’ll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron…

[Exit LISTER, CAT]

KOCHANSKI [brightly]
Well, ‘night.

KRYTEN
Aren’t you mad too, ma’am?

 

KRYTEN
You’re not, are you.

 

KRYTEN
I think I understand: For you, the trek through the ducts was far from pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable
insights into your crewmates. This was your ‘rites of passage’; you feel enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that… you never thought possible.
Am I right?

 

KOCHANSKI
Say – ‘nurieek’.

KRYTEN
‘Nurieek’.

 

KRYTEN
Oof.

KOCHANSKI
Say ‘rotut’.

KRYTEN
‘Rotut’.

 

KRYTEN
Ooh.

KOCHANSKI
Say ‘hernunger’.

KRYTEN
Er, ‘hernunger’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Nurieek’.

KRYTEN
‘Nurieek’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Rotut’.

KRYTEN
‘Rotut’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Hernunger’.

KRYTEN
‘Hernunger’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Sqweloookal’.

KRYTEN
‘Sqweloookal’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Rotut’.

KRYTEN
Oohh!
‘Rotut’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Nurieek’.

KRYTEN
Ooh! ‘Nurieek’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Hernunger’.

KRYTEN
‘Hernunger’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Sqweloookal’.

KRYTEN
‘Sqweloookal’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Nurieek’!

KRYTEN
‘Nurieek’.

 

[Sound and picture begin to fade]

KOCHANSKI
‘Rotut’!

KRYTEN
‘Rotut’.

 

KOCHANSKI
‘Hernunger’!

END OF “DUCT SOUP”