Rimmer gets sucked into a wormhole, and when the Red Dwarf crew finally catch up with him, they find the population of a planet he landed on is a nightmare! Worry balls on standby.
RED DWARF Series VI Episode 5 “Rimmerworld”
1 Model. Starbug flypast.
2 Int. Starbug Medical Lab.
KRYTEN is pressing buttons on a control panel, while
RIMMER lies on a bench.
KRYTEN
(Moving to the end of the bench) Well, that’s
finished the tests sir. We just have to wait while
the Navicomp processes the results. Unfortunately
I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated
at your eye tests.
RIMMER
(Sitting up) What do you mean, cheated?
KRYTEN
There’s no point in lying sir. You crept in here
last night, knowing you were going to have a
medical, and you copied the eye charts onto your
shoes.
RIMMER
I admit I might have taken a peek, but I’m a
competitive man Kryten, always have been. That’s
what makes me what I am.
KRYTEN
We’re all perfectly well aware of what you are
sir. Oh, the results. (Moves over to the panel,
and returns with a small piece of card)
RIMMER
(Standing) Ah, everything tickedyboo?
KRYTEN
Would you like to take a seat for a moment sir?
RIMMER
(Sitting on the bench) Problem?
KRYTEN
You don’t have any next of kin, do you sir?
RIMMER
No, they all died of heart attacks. And not just
heart attacks – aneurysms, strokes, brain clots,
you name it.
KRYTEN
Are you of the school that, when faced with bad
news, prefers to hear that news naked and
unvarnished, or are you of the ilk that prefers to
live in happy and blissful ignorance of the
nightmare you’re facing.
RIMMER
Ignorance, every time.
KRYTEN
(Very cheerily) Congratulations sir! You’ve come
storming through your medical with flying colours.
See you next time.
RIMMER
Everything’s OK then?
KRYTEN
Absolutely peachy.
RIMMER
I want to know, Kryten, if there’s something
wrong.
KRYTEN
If there were something wrong, sir, I would tell
you.
RIMMER
Even if I’d asked you not to?
KRYTEN
Well no. In that case I would lie and tell you
everything was absolutely peachy.
RIMMER
Kryten, I want to know, that’s why I asked for a
medical. Is there bad news?
KRYTEN
Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I’m afraid there is.
RIMMER
(Half sitting up, clutching chest) I knew it. It’s
the headaches isn’t it. And the heart palpitations
and the blackouts and the chest pains and the
voices. It’s something to do with that isn’t it?
KRYTEN
Sir, when you died you were recreated as a
hologram and your exact personality was refined to
an algorithm and duplicated electronically. If
that algorithm contained a flaw, that flaw would
be duplicated also.
RIMMER
Flaw?
KRYTEN
It’s not common, but it’s possible for a hologram
to die.
RIMMER
Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your
nose between your cheeks and make it the filling
of a buttock sandwich.
KRYTEN
As a result of both genetics and environment you
are particularly prone to stress-related nervous
disorders, and your activities over the past
couple of years have pushed your brain to, well
frankly beyond breaking point. (RIMMER starts
breathing heavily, and moves over to what looks
like a deep sleep booth) Your T count, which is
the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure, is
higher than a hippy on the third day of an open
air festival, and if you wish to avoid a gigantic
electronic aneurysm, it is imperative that you
start on a program of relaxation.
RIMMER
I see, and you thought that the best way for me to
start this program of relaxation was to tell me my
brains are about to explode. You’ve got the
bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter.
KRYTEN
Here’s what I suggest. Try and avoid all stressful
situations. Spend more time in your hard light
form and take a little exercise. And here (moving
over to a cupboard), try these Chinese worry balls
whenever you feel anxious or tense. (RIMMER looks
at the balls suspiciously)
LISTER
(Entering) Hey, maybe some good news. Come and
check it out. (Leaves)
RIMMER
Er, Kryten, I don’t want the others to know about
this. I want you to behave as if everything’s
absolutely normal.
KRYTEN
As you wish sir.
3 Model. Starbug approaching Simulant ship.
4 Int. Starbug Cockpit
LISTER
There she blows.
CAT
Logging onto the ident computer.
RIMMER
(Entering, standing by LISTER’s chair) What’s this?
LISTER
We’ve come across the simulant ship we totalled a
couple of weeks back. We’re gonna try and board it
for supplies.
KRYTEN
Is that wise sir? The scan says the superstructure
is highly unstable and could go at any time.
RIMMER
What if some of the simulants have survived?
CAT
There’s an old Cat saying: “If you’re gonna eat
tuna, expect bones.”
RIMMER
(Back in his own seat) There’s an old human
saying: “If you’re gonna talk garbage, expect
pain.”
LISTER
Look, we’ll take our chances man, OK?
RIMMER
No K. They’re cybernetically deranged mechanical
killing machines. Not content with blasting their
ship out of the sky, you now want to go back and
steal what remains of their belongings? That’s the
metaphorical equivalent of flopping your wedding
tackle into a lion’s mouth and flicking his love
spuds with a wet towel. Total insanity.
LISTER
Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in
we’ve had to live off a few pathetic handfuls of
moss and fungi scraped off passing asteroids. I
can’t stand it any more.
KRYTEN
Well sir, are you really saying you’d rather have
a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your
skull and play your frontal nodes like a xylophone
than have another bowl of my nourishing space
nettle soup?
CAT
Buddy, I’d hand him the sticks and hold up the
sheet music.
RIMMER
Lister, they are simulants. Why on Io should they
have food supplies?
LISTER
Because the ident computer says they do. Look,
stocked to the gills.
KRYTEN
(To RIMMER) It’s true sir. Rogue simulants always
carry large stocks of food supplies in order to
prolong the torment of their torture victims. In
some cases, they’ve kept subjects alive for over
forty years in a state of perpetual agony.
RIMMER
If we wanted to live in a state of perpetual
agony, we’d let Lister play his guitar. We don’t.
I say drive on.
LISTER
Kryten, what’s for dinner?
KRYTEN
Tonight sir, asteroidal lichen stew followed by
dandelion sorbet.
LISTER
We’re going in.
5 Model. Starbug docking with Simulant ship.
6 Int. Mid section.
KRYTEN
(To LISTER) Sir, can’t you see your behaviour is
totally irrational?
RIMMER
In which case we can remove him from duty as per
Space Corps Directive 1_9_6_1_5_6.
KRYTEN
1_9_6_1_5_6? Any officer caught sniffing the
saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women’s gym
will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I’m sorry
sir, that doesn’t quite get to the nub of the
matter for me. (To LISTER) Sir, we have enough
thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to
scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This
foolhardy trip beggars logic.
RIMMER
Lister, we’d be fools not to listen to him. When
is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head
shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float
but he does operate from a position of total logic
and we’d be fools to ignore his sage council.
KRYTEN
At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your
place. We are after all merely electronic
life forms and therefore expendable.
RIMMER
And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from
hell?
LISTER
There’s something else. I didn’t want to say in
front of the Cat. (Quick shot of CAT) The reserve
fuel tank got punctured when we crashed into that
ocean moon. If we don’t resupply, we’re out of
power, two, three days.
KRYTEN
(Checking a panel) But what about the readouts?
LISTER
I rigged the readouts. I didn’t want to cause any
alarm.
RIMMER
You rigged the readouts! You didn’t want to cause
any a.. (hyperventilates, and recovers as he
grinds the worry balls) I can’t breathe, I’m
hyperventilating.
KRYTEN
Please sir, don’t panic.
RIMMER
It’s not panic, it’s a full-blown hysterical fit!
KRYTEN
Grind those balls sir! Grind them!
RIMMER
(Grinding) So let me get this straight. If we
board that ship and get captured, we’re finished.
However if we board that ship and don’t get
captured, but the superstructure disintegrates
around us, we’re finished. On the other hand, if
we board that ship and don’t get captured and the
superstructure doesn’t disintegrate around us, but
we can’t find any fuel, we are in fact finished.
LISTER
That’s about the shape of it, yeah.
KRYTEN
After you with the balls sir.
LISTER
Look, we’re out of options. We’ve got less choice
than a Welsh fish and chip shop. We’ve got to
board that ship, even if it is on the brink of
disintegration. Let’s just pray the crew are
rotting in Silicon Hell with all the photocopiers.
RIMMER
Look, you three go. I’m not leaving Starbug.
LISTER
Fine, that’s fair enough. Unless of course
something weird and hideously ironic happens, like
while we were away you get boarded by a rampaging
torture party of crazed simulants in the rapid
grip of bloodlust fever.
RIMMER
I’ll go and pack. (Moves to the staircase)
LISTER
Bring your extra brown rubber safety pants.
(RIMMER climbs the staircase) And your hard light
remote belt, we need all the hands we can muster.
7 Model. Simulant ship.
8 Int. Corridor of Simulant ship.
KRYTEN
Lifesigns.
CAT
If one of those suckers bumps into me, he’ll be
lunching on laser, (Arms bazookoid) Last time we
met I was wearing the same outfit, and no-one’s
gonna survive to tell that story.
LISTER
Listen guys, I suppose now’s as good as time as
any to tell you.
RIMMER
Tell us what?
LISTER
We can’t actually use the bazookoids. They’re for
psychological reasons only. Look, the scan said
that the superstructure is so unstable that even a
load noise could start a shipquake. That’s why I
skipped chillies for breakfast. (Reacting to the
others’ stares) Why are you all looking at me like
that?
CAT
Like what?
LISTER
Like I’m a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette.
RIMMER
Why didn’t you tell us?
LISTER
Didn’t wanna cause any panic.
RIMMER
You didn’t want to cause any p.. (Hyperventilates,
then slowly recovers as he grinds the balls) Let
me get this clear in my head. If we meet one of
these totally deranged killing machines, we have
to engage them in combat silently? What do we do,
whisper “charge”, tippytoe up to them all
screaming “shhh” and chloroform them with Lister’s
armpits? Priceless.
9 Int. Another corridor. The crew move carefully along,
in the order LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER.
LISTER
(Spotting) A teleporter.
KRYTEN
(Checking the controls) Hmmm, fully functional.
CAT
Let’s grab what we can and load up.
RIMMER
Quietly.
We see LISTER and CAT loading the teleporter, and a
variety of crates materialising in Starbug’s mid
section. They drop a crate. Worried faces as the noise
echoes throughout the ship.
KRYTEN
It’s not gonna hold much longer sir, we’d better
make this the last batch.
LISTER
One more trip Kryten, let me get one more crate of
that red hot West Indian red pepper sauce.
In the background, the female SIMULANT from “Gunmen of
the Apocalypse” lurches through a doorway, causing more
rumbling from the ship’s hull. She doesn’t appear to be
in very good shape.
KRYTEN
Shhhhh.
SIMULANT
(Pointing her weapon at the crew) Well, if it
isn’t my old friends, the human vermin, the scab
of slime, the pus-sucking, puke-laden walking
cesspits of unspeakableness.
CAT
She remembers us
SIMULANT
Annihilated my ship, slaughtered by fellow
simulants, and you practically destroyed me. Yes,
I remember you.
CAT
(Pointing at the SIMULANT) There’s one thing you
should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute
little black number with peach trim and gold
spangles, and although it looks like I’m wearing
the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely
different cute little black number with completely
different gold spangles.
KRYTEN
That was an important speech sir, and it needed to
be made, but might I suggest that from this moment
the rest of the discourse is conducted by those
with brains larger than a grape.
CAT
(To LISTER) Take it away, bud.
LISTER
OK, let’s knock on the door and ask for Ronnie
Real. This is a classic stalemate situation. You
can’t use your weapons and neither can we. Let’s
chalk this one down to experience and we’ll be on
our merry way, yeah? Actually, as far as psychotic
deranged ruthless killer simulants go, you’re a
bit of a babe. What are you doing tonight?
SIMULANT
Dying (Shoots ceiling. More rumbling from the
ship). Care to join me?
Behind the SIMULANT, RIMMER can be seen. He has spotted
an escape pod, and is trying to sneak into it. LISTER’s
words are aimed at RIMMER, not the SIMULANT, who does
not realise this. His words become more desperate as
the conversation continues.
LISTER
Hey come on, let’s just talk, OK? We didn’t start
any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good
time to sit down and parlez. (He is starting to
get annoyed) Let’s not hang around, just get on
with it.
SIMULANT
There is nothing to discuss. In sixty seconds
you’ll be dead.
LISTER
You can’t be serious.
SIMULANT
I’m totally serious.
LISTER
I don’t believe you’re being serious.
SIMULANT
I do not understand why you’re having such
problems grasping this concept. I’m a totally
ruthless amoral killing machine so why, in the
name of all that’s putrid, don’t you believe I’m
serious.
LISTER
I’m going to say this one more time. You’ve still
got a chance to change your mind. Think about it,
everything we’ve been through, does none of that
mean anything to you?
RIMMER launches the escape pod. The corridor collapses
onto the SIMULANT.
LISTER
Cheers Rimmer! He’s started a shipquake!
KRYTEN
The superstructures disintegrating!
CAT
The teleporter! (They all step onto the teleporter
platform)
KRYTEN
I must warn you sir, the teleporter’s not
calibrated for human tissue. There’s a twenty
percent chance you’ll be turned inside out when
you materialise.
CAT
Let me check my lining. Innards and lavender, I
can carry that off.
They dematerialise.
10 Int. Mid section.
As LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT materialise, we see the PAST
CREW seated around a table.
CAT
What’s this?
KRYTEN
Don’t you remember sir? This is a week last
Thursday. In the panic I must have made a
programming error.
PAST KRYTEN
(Standing) For goodness sake Kryten! Don’t you
know how rude it is to burst in on an earlier
version of yourself without warning? You’ve made
our day totally surreal now. I’m very cross!
KRYTEN
Pardon my paradox. It’s just that the simulant
ship you’re about to encounter
PAST KRYTEN
(Interrupting) We don’t know what we’re about to
encounter. Don’t compound your temporal faux-pas by
telling us our future.
PAST RIMMER
Where’s the rangy, handsome one?
LISTER
What, you? You scarpered in that escape pod, you
slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas.
PAST RIMMER
Ah, I’m safe then? Thank God for that.
PAST KRYTEN
(To PAST RIMMER) Don’t talk to them! (To KRYTEN)
You see what you’ve done now! Just get back to
your own damn time line!
KRYTEN
Here we go then.
PAST LISTER
Well, be you later.
LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT dematerialise.
11 Int. Starbug mid section.
LISTER
Let’s get out of the landing bay. It’s gonna blow!
12 Model. Starbug taking off from the Simulant ship, which
then explodes.
13 Int. Cockpit.
CAT
All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
KRYTEN
Sir, we lost Mister Rimmer!
CAT
All in all, a hundred percent successful trip.
LISTER
Can’t believe he did that, not even Rimmer.
KRYTEN
Sir, I didn’t get the opportunity to tell you
before, but earlier today I discovered that Mister
Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous
disorder.
LISTER
Next time I see him he’ll be suffering from a
fist-related teeth disorder.
14 Model. Escape pod disappearing into the distance.
15 Int. Cockpit.
CAT
Incoming message.
RIMMER appears on a monitor, looking rather pleased
with himself.
RIMMER
My escape plan worked then?
CAT
What escape plan?
RIMMER
The valiant plan whereby I set off the
disintegration of the ship’s hull by bravely
leaping into the escape pod thereby creating a
diversion, so you could (pauses) Actually, how did
you escape?
KRYTEN
Well, the teleporter.
RIMMER
That wasn’t the only way, but as good as any I
suppose. Still, I’m sure no-one’s forgetting the
sheer manliness and stiff-upper-lippedness of the
diversionary part of the plan and to hasten with
all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the
hour.
LISTER
Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem.
RIMMER
What do you mean?
LISTER
You’re accelerating away from us – way above our
top speed
KRYTEN
I’ve logged into your ident computer sir. Rogue
simulants looted the pod from a colonisation
seeding ship constructed in the 25th Century.
There are no controls as such, it is programmed to
take you to the nearest planet with an S3
atmosphere.
RIMMER
How long is it going to take to get me back?
KRYTEN
(Checking a scanner) Ah well, let’s see shall we,
checking the local area. Er, no, nothing there.
Going to mid-range. Er, still nothing. Going to
long range … long, long range … long, long,
long range. Ah, here we have it, just computing.
RIMMER
Well? How long?
KRYTEN
Have you still got those Chinese worry balls sir?
RIMMER
Yes.
KRYTEN
Well start grinding them like you’ve never ground
before.
RIMMER
How long?
LISTER
Let me tell him Kryten.
RIMMER
How long?
LISTER
(Smiling) A year and a half.
RIMMER
That’s ridiculous! You’ve got to find a way of
getting me back.
KRYTEN
Well we could try to bring you down with a round
from a laser cannon, sir.
CAT
Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight.
RIMMER
Another way!
KRYTEN
Sir, there are no other options.
CAT
(Spotting something on a scanner) Wait!
Something’s happening! Course change!
LISTER
(Checking his own screens) Check. Your guidance
system’s found a nearer S3 planet. It’s taking you
through that wormhole at 4_9_5_3_7_2.
KRYTEN
Ah, that’s a lot better. You should make
planetfall in four days.
RIMMER
Isn’t there some kind of a time dilation problem
when you go through a wormhole?
KRYTEN
Well, yes there is. Since you’re travelling
through a compressed space, time will move more
swiftly for the object passing though the
wormhole. One minute on this side of the wormhole
will represent many years on the other.
RIMMER
So, is that good?
KRYTEN
Balls on standby sir.
RIMMER
More than a year and a half?
KRYTEN
Er, yes sir, a little more.
RIMMER
How much more?
KRYTEN
Well, let’s not beat around a bush, a lot more.
RIMMER
Kryten, that’s still beating around the bush. Just
tell me.
KRYTEN
Well, remember that medieval war sir, that lasted
quite a long time.
RIMMER
The Thirty Years War?
KRYTEN
No, not that war sir, the other one.
RIMMER
The Hundred Years War?
KRYTEN
Now take that figure, and multiply it by six, and
then you’ll come up with your golden number sir.
RIMMER
Six hundred years!
CAT
(Disbelief) Pinch me!
LISTER
We’re losing contact, any minute.
RIMMER
Six hundred years with just myself as company,
I’ll go raving mad!
CAT
There’s and old Cat saying, but you don’t want to
hear it right now.
LISTER
On the upside, according to your inventory the
pod’s stocked with solar accelerators. That should
keep your hard-light drive going as long as you
need.
KRYTEN
And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship,
there may even be emergency terraforming equipment
on board, possibly even with a genetic capability.
RIMMER
But I’ll never survive, I’m not the Robinson
Crusoe type. I’m lousy at woodwork, I’m no good in
the wild. Do you know, when I was at school it
took me five terms to make a tent peg? How long’s
it going to take me to build a two storey home
with running water and a balcony stroke sun patio?
Six hundred years! I won’t even have finished
planing the wood!
LISTER
Losing contact, any second. See you in eight
lifetimes.
KRYTEN
One last word sir, remember your condition.
Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful
situations. Whatever befalls you, try and greet it
with a smile on your lips and a song in your
heart.
RIMMER
You are a total, total, complete and utter, total,
total, complete and utter total… (fades out)
16 Model. Pod entering wormhole.
17 Int. Cockpit
KRYTEN
Well, he’s gone.
LISTER
So, what do we do now?
CAT
Nothing we can do, I know for a fact there’s no
champagne. (smiles)
KRYTEN
On our side of this time dilation phenomena it
will appear as if Mister Rimmer has gone for just
a few hours, but from Mister Rimmer’s point of
view, he will have to wait six entire centuries
for us to reach him.
LISTER
To hell with the champagne, we can celebrate with
urine resyc.
18 Model. Pod in atmosphere. This is followed by a montage
of images, following RIMMER’s monologue.
RIMMER
This is the personal log of Space Corps hard-light
hologram Arnold J. Rimmer. Day 1: After landing, I
ventured forth to explore the place I would be
calling home for the next two thirds of a
millennium. A desert planet, the only life forms
the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me.
Relationships would be difficult, but not
impossible. I repaired to the pod, to appraise the
supply situation. The pod had indeed been looted
from a seeding ship. Among the supplies I found
two strange devices, labelled “Eco-Accelerator
Rockets”. I held out little hope that they might
improve my lot, but launched them anyway. For six
days and nights the entire planet was wracked with
storms, the like of which I had never witnessed
before or since. Then, just as suddenly, they
stopped. In just six days I had created my own
world, lush and verdant. I had created
“Rimmerworld”. I was Adam, in my own Eden, and
only one thing was missing, my own Jane. As I
studied the pod’s textbooks, my excitement grew.
It seemed entirely possible for me to create a
fully grown female clone, using my own DNA as a
template. This of course created the most enormous
moral dilemma. Technically, she would be my sister,
and therefore unable to take me as her lover.
After much soul searching, I reluctantly decided,
“What the hell”, I just wouldn’t tell her. After
months of careful nurture, the cocoon cracked.
Something had gone hideously wrong – the clone was
just an identical copy of me. I went back to the
manuals, and tried again…
19 Model. Starbug entering wormhole.
20 Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER
There she blows, an S3 planet.
CAT
Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere.
21 Model. Starbug in atmosphere.
22 Int. Cockpit.
LISTER
Got something. Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two.
According to the scan, there’s lifesigns.
KRYTEN
Confirmed. Thousands of them. Either Mister Rimmer
had the incredible good fortune to land on a
populated planet, or…
CAT
Or what?
KRYTEN
It’s too hideous to contemplate.
CAT
Preparing to land.
23 Ext. Woodland on “Rimmerworld”. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN
are seen walking through the woodland.
CAT
Wait, nasal alert!
LISTER
What, are you getting something?
CAT
I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like an
opera singer’s bosom on the high notes.
‘RIMMER’ GUARD 1
Halt, abomination!
LISTER
Rimmer?
‘RIMMER’ GUARD 2
Silence, travesty.
LISTER
Rimmer??
‘RIMMER’ GUARD 3
Never have I seen such a hideously formed and
un-naturally freakish deviant.
LISTER
Rimmer???
‘RIMMER’ GUARD 4
Silence mutant! How dare you stand there and
address a norm using that face. It’s a revolting
insult against nature.
LISTER
This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but
(pauses) can’t even bring myself to say it.
‘RIMMER’ GUARD
Say what?
LISTER
Take us to your leader.
KRYTEN
Oh sir, how could you!
‘RIMMER’ GUARD
Let the great one judge them. (The GUARDS escort
the crew away)
24 Int. Throne room. The ‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR is seated upon a
throne, with concubines at his feet. The back of the
throne consists of a large ‘H’ sculpted out of a
circular piece of stone. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN are
guarded by ‘RIMMER’ GUARDS.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
Who disturbs our royal snooze?
LISTER
Rimmer? It’s us.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
Dear lord, what created such foulness. Is it the
product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?
LISTER
Do you remember? Six hundred years ago? We used to
be your ship mates, we’ve come to save you.
‘RIMMER’ GUARD
We found them in the woods, your flared-
nostrilness, and have brought them here to be
tried as travesties.
CAT
(Whispering to LISTER) That ain’t goalpost-head,
he doesn’t smell right.
KRYTEN
(Also in a whisper to LISTER) Agreed, he scans as
organic, not hologram. the ‘H’ is an affectation.
Possibly it has become a symbol of power.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
These deformed monsters are no sight for my
concubines. My treasures of pulchritude, run
along. (He gestures to one) Avert your eyes from
her great beauty. (Uncovers her face, which turns
out to also be that of RIMMER, and kisses her. She
covers herself, and he clears his throat. We see a
GUARD uncovering his face) Let the trial begin,
before my jacuzzi water grows tepid.
‘RIMMER’ GUARD
These three abominations stand charged on eight
counts of gross deviancy. Not content with not
looking like the true image, they flaunt freakish
behaviour such as charm, bravery, compassion and
(pauses) honour.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
Are there no sighs of normalcy in these wretches?
No cowardice or pomposity, no snideyness or smarm,
not even basic honest-to-goodness double-dealing
two-facedness?
‘RIMMER’ GUARD
Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell
each other out for their own freedom – they lack
even the most basic natural drives.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
How do you plead?
KRYTEN
Er sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as
Rimmer.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
(Arrogantly – very over the top) I am he!
KRYTEN
Not so, we are seeking the creator of your race,
the father of your people, the first true Rimmer,
the template for your species.
‘RIMMER’ EMPEROR
Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take
them out and kill them. And when you’ve killed
them, burn the bodies, then bring me the cold
ashes on a silver plate, with a glass of chilled
sancerre.
CAT
(To LISTER) This guy’s an animal. Doesn’t he know
it’s red wine with cold ashes? (The GUARD escorts
them away, pushing CAT in the process).
25 Int. Dungeon. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN see a figure
huddled in the corner under a blanket. He is grinding
extremely small worry balls with his fingers.
LISTER
Rimmer?
CAT
Smell checks out. That truly is old toilet-brush
hair himself.
RIMMER
Of course, I remember. (Pointing at each of them
in turn) Custer! Derek Custer! Kit! Titan!
CAT
What’s happened to him bud?
KRYTEN
How long have you been in here sir, in this
godforsaken pit from hell. (RIMMER points at the
wall, where he’s been marking the days) Speed
count mode. (Scans the wall) Five hundred and
fifty seven years?
LISTER
What! You’ve been stuck in this cell all this
time?
CAT
What happened?
RIMMER
Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me?
CAT
I’m trying not to. The last time I did that it
took a week to dry the mattress.
RIMMER
Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing
treacherous hypocritical cowardly slime-mongering
Judases. They overthrew me. When they found out
they couldn’t damage my hard light drive, they
locked me in here so I could never threaten their
insane lust for power.
CAT
Look bud, I can understand them locking you up,
but what have they got against me, Derek and
Titan?
RIMMER
Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled.
The smallest physical flaw and they’re banished
from society, and anyone who displays behaviour
deemed out of character or un-Rimmerlike is
punished by death.
LISTER
Is that why no-one on the planet is brave, sexy,
noble or charming?
RIMMER
All crimes here.
CAT
Man. I must be Public Enemy numbers one, two and
three.
KRYTEN
But sir, don’t they realise the only way any
society can evolve is through mutations in the
gene pool. When there is no richness or variety,
congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are
commonplace. Who can forget the famously insane
European monarchies of the nineteenth and twentieth
centuries.
RIMMER
Oh what have I created?
KRYTEN
Your very own personal hell.
CAT
Well, fun though its been hearing about your last
five hundred years of total misery, shouldn’t we
be making skedaddle plans? I for one could not
bear the prospect of being burned alive. Flames
and peach! Ooh, I’d rather die.
LISTER
Have you tried escaping Rimmer?
RIMMER
The whole planet is populated with back-stabbing
slimeballs. The minute I got out, I’d be sold back
immediately.
LISTER
(Moving to the cell window) There’s got to be a
way out. There hasn’t been a prison built that
could hold Derek Custer. Why don’t we scrape away
this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out,
then using a rope weaved from strands of this
hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that
when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire,
gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard’s
uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords,
and fight our way back to the ‘bug.
KRYTEN
Or we could use the teleporter.
LISTER
Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter.
They dematerialise.
26 Int. Starbug mid section. As they materialise, we see
the FUTURE CREW, bar the FUTURE LISTER, sitting at a
table.
KRYTEN
Oh, I’ve done it again. Two anomalies in one day,
I must have accidentally tapped into the previous
calibration.
RIMMER
Sorry about that, it’s just that we’re escaping
from Rimmerworld.
LISTER
Don’t tell them that, they don’t want to know the
future. Poor old Rimmer doesn’t want to know he’s
going to get persecuted for six centuries by a
load of his own clones.
CAT
Careful bud, for a minute there I thought you were
going to let slip that he spends the next five
hundred and fifty seven years locked in a dungeon.
FUTURE RIMMER
Rimmerworld?
LISTER
I’m saying nothing man, don’t want to spoil the
surprise.
FUTURE RIMMER
Rimmerworld was weeks ago. We’re far more
concerned at the moment about the quite hideous
thing that’s happened to Lister.
CAT
He’s right bud, where are you?
LISTER
Yeah, where am I? I wanna know!
They dematerialise.
The End
Episode 6 Series
- Red Dwarf Series 6 Episode Guide + Scripts
- Red Dwarf Series 6 Psirens
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 6 Episode 2 Legion
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 6 Episode 3 Gunmen of The Apocalypse
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 6 Episode 4 Emohawk, Polymorph II
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 6 Episode 5 Rimmerworld
- Red Dwarf Full Script Series 6 Episode 6 Out of Time